Chapter 16
Gunner
The lights flickered, and the engines roared back to life, propelling the ship forward with a rocket’s force. Gunner clutched Horatio’s shoulders as they slid across the floor, crashing to a stop when they hit the back wall. Snake’s chair landed inches from Horatio’s head.
Seven clung to the dashboard, stabbing buttons. “I can’t slow her down!”
“She’ll do it herself when we’re closer to the gateway!” Snake shouted.
“My fingers are slipping. Look out back there!” A metallic clatter rang out as Seven’s chair hit Snake’s.
After an ominous crack, the ship slowed to normal speed. Gunner opened his eyes. “Holy shit, are we dead?”
“I’m in too much pain to be dead,” Horatio groaned.
“Darling, this is kind of sexy, but you’re crushing my fun bits.” Gunner laughed. Seven had landed on Snake’s lap and clung to him like a terrified toddler.
“Shit, I forgot we’re flying.” Seven rushed toward the equipment. “Where are we going?”
“I panicked and punched in the first coordinates I could remember.” Snake rolled Seven’s chair back and made him sit. “Merona.”
“But Merona is crawling with cops,” Horatio said.
“Not the best spot to land, but we’ll do a quick damage assessment and be off.”
Gunner stood but almost collapsed back to the floor when he glimpsed the view through the windshield.
“You told me space travel was impossible.” He sank into his chair.
Outside the window were millions of stars, meteors, and small planets.
The sky was purple and black, with feathery silver clouds. “It’s beautiful!”
“This isn’t space. It’s the inside of the portal,” Seven said.
“When we jump through the ones created by hand, we miss this because we’re moving too fast. But while onboard, the ship’s size curtails our momentum, treating us to this sublime view.
We’re traveling at a slower speed since we’re using the emergency power supply, but when we land, the sails can replenish it. ”
“Who uses cannons anymore?” Horatio asked. “Felt like we were in a Civil War movie.”
“Cannons fall into the ‘if it ain’t broke’ category,” Snake said. “I can’t believe the royal council allows Meridian to use military and police force whenever the whim strikes.”
“Well, I am the universe’s most wanted criminal.” Horatio flexed, his expression fierce. “Here to explode the enemy and steal sex toys.”
“Strap in,” Seven said. “The instruments indicate high winds in Merona today.”
“The seat belts disintegrated,” Horatio said. “But better them than us.”
Gunner gripped the arms of the chair as the ship edged closer to the gigantic portal. Beyond the gateway was a hazy, violet sky. Frances shuddered when they passed through the circle but grew steady as she descended.
“Taking us down slowly.” Seven flipped a switch, and a small screen descended. “The exterior cameras are still working. Gunner, can you watch the monitor and find us a desolate place to land?”
Gunner kept his eye on the screen as Seven panned the camera.
Merona’s main city was surrounded by areas of thick woods and snow-capped mountains.
He spotted a flat area 200 miles south, and Seven landed the ship with ease.
Outside, they checked the perimeter. Aside from a cannonball-sized dent on the port side, the ship was intact.
Snake took Gunner up on deck and showed him how the ship’s sails absorbed power from both the air and sun.
Back in the cockpit, they found Seven scanning the matrix for any sign of Roland’s ship.
“Forget him, Seven,” Snake said. “We need to take off before the cops find us again.”
“How would they find us way out here?” Gunner asked.
“By law, all vehicles have a tracking device. Our location constantly pings the police database.” Seven tapped his screen. “See? It shows our exact coordinates.”
“This sucks,” Gunner said. “They can find us anywhere.”
“Unless we hide in a secret pirate location. Too bad Environ’s crossed off the list. I’ll miss that place.” Snake sighed.
“Or will you?” Seven raised an eyebrow at Snake.
“You’re joking.”
“No, vampire, I’m not.” Seven’s fingers clicked on the keyboard. “I’ve found a way to feed the tracking chip random false coordinates. And it will be ready in ten minutes.”
Snake clapped Seven on the back. “If this thing works, I’ll let you bend me over.”
“You’ll let me even if it’s an epic fail, vampire slut,” Seven said. “Give me ten minutes to upload the software.”
Filled with nervous excitement, Gunner wandered around the cockpit. A chart on the wall captured his attention. It said ‘The Crew’ across the top and listed the shirt color of each one. “You found it necessary to color-coordinate the guys?” Gunner asked.
“Sugar did that,” Snake said. “Over the years, I’ve learned how to tell them apart, but I left the chart up for Horatio, so he knows whose name to scream when he’s getting railed.”
“Okay, boys, we’re in business.” Seven disconnected his laptop from the ship’s computer. “Let’s try this sucker out. Where to?”
“Depends. Do you lads want to call it a day? Or would you rather sack up and pay Princess Petal a visit? It’s only 10:30 a.m.”
All eyes turned to Gunner. As much as he wanted to find a quiet corner of the ship to hide in, he attempted a brave front. “I’m up for finishing the job. I mean, we lived through cannon fire. What else could happen today?”
Snake grinned. “You’re turning into a pirate already.” He entered the coordinates. “Full speed ahead and all that.”
Seven cackled. “Spread your legs, Petulia. We’re driving through your hole.”
“Petulia. Let me guess, they grow flowers there,” Gunner said.
“They also keep bees. Most of the honey available in the universe comes from there.”
“You’re a wealth of information, Seven.”
“Well, I am two hundred and five years old. I’ve picked up a few things along the way.”
“You guys are immortal, too?”
“Or we’re just too fucking awesome to die.” Seven winked.
“Welcome to Petulia, homeland of the horniest royal to ever run a monarchy.” Snake chuckled. “But first, let’s see if Seven is as smart as he says he is.”
Gunner rolled his chair in closer and concentrated on the screen. Heart racing, palms sweaty, the excitement in the cabin was electric.
“Entering our ID number… wait for it… boom! We are not in Petulia!” Seven raised both hands and shimmied in his seat.
Gunner scrutinized the database. “It says we’re in New Devlin.”
“You did it!” Snake kissed Seven on the cheek. “You cheeky little bastard, you bypassed the system!”
“Hell yeah, I did.” Seven grabbed his junk. “Bend over, bitch!”
“We can go back to Environ and drink Sex on the Beach shots while literally having sex on the beach,” Horatio said.
“The program isn’t 100%, since lunkheads like Roland can spot us and call the cops. However,” Seven took a dramatic pause, “I might also have the answer to that little problem, but it needs more tinkering.”
“Don’t hold us in suspense, boy. What is it?” Snake asked.
Seven resembled a gay mafia hitman as he buffed his nails against the lapel of his suit jacket. “I’ll need your butt’s address, Snake. Because if this thing works—your asshole will be my new home, and I have mail to forward.”
“A cock tease, that’s what you are,” Snake growled. “Okay, boys, let’s go talk to the freaky princess and get our money upfront.”
“If we fail, do we give the money back?” Gunner asked.
“Oh, we never fail. Seven, you stay here by the radio in case things turn dodgy. Horatio and Gunner, you’re coming with me.”
“Maybe you’d rather stay here with me, Gunner?” Seven jiggled his dick. “I could teach you all kinds of things about the—ship.”
“Trust me, Gun, you don’t want to miss this.” Horatio tugged his sleeve. “Princess Petal has two sets of tits, two sets of eyes, and loves flashing her pussy. So don’t be shocked.”
Gunner hesitated, torn between the promise of Seven’s private tutorial and the walking freak show waiting outside. “Sorry, Seven. I have to see this for myself.”
“Of course. Even I can’t compete with quadruple titties.” Seven pouted. “But you guys owe me!”
After a heated debate between Snake and Horatio, the guitars stayed behind.
“I feel naked,” Horatio complained.
“You love being naked. Besides, this is strictly a social call.” Snake led the way outside. The Frances rested in a field of yellow flowers that smelled like cotton candy. “Surrounded by blossoms. It’s what she deserves.”
Petulia was breathtaking. Gunner admired the rolling hills that stretched in every direction, bursting with flowerbeds and trees covered in buds. Blossoms of infinite colors dotted the landscape. Butterflies danced around their heads as they followed a winding brick path.
“It’s quite a walk, but we can’t portal any closer than this,” Snake said. “Lovely scenery, though, isn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised to see a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its ass.” Horatio waved his hand at a butterfly hovering near his face. “This place gives me cavities.”
Twenty minutes later, a buzzing sound droned. Gunner’s skin crawled. “Does that sound like giant bees to you guys?”
Horatio stopped dead in his tracks. “We shouldn’t be near the hives, Snake. Did we take the wrong path?”
Snake squinted at the trail like it betrayed him. “I’m not sure, Hor. Something’s off.”
“I’d rather face cannon fire than bees.” Gunner buttoned his coat.
“These guys are poisonous,” Horatio said. “One sting and you’re toast.”
“I knew a guy who was stung on the ass. Swelled up as big as a watermelon.” Snake wiped his brow. “There’s a shortcut around here.” He led them down a dirt trail that ended in a dead end. The sound of hives grew louder. “Bollocks!”
Horatio stood with his arms out and shut his eyes. "The buzzing is coming from my left. We need to go right. Slowly.”
They shuffled along a grassy area, leaving the droning insects behind. Gunner spotted a shady grove. Wooden benches were scattered about, and an ornate water fountain trickled nearby. After some rest and rehydration, Horatio checked in on Snake.
“Any idea where to go from here?”