Chapter 17
Gunner
Two hefty guards flanked a massive front entry, uniforms crisp, boots shined to mirrors. Each man sported four amber eyes, stacked in pairs, the bottom ones slightly larger, giving their gazes an unsettling intensity.
Fresh from his own sex romp, Gunner noticed telling details. The blonde’s lips were swollen, as if he’d just given head. The redhead’s fly was down, and two stout cocks peeked out, tips glistening with what Gunner assumed was spit.
Everyone around here is horny as fuck. Must be something in the air.
“Good morning, gentlemen. Princess Petal is expecting us,” Snake said.
“You may pass,” the guards chorused.
With clipped precision, they shifted their rifles to the opposite shoulders, turned, and faced each other, eyes blinking in unison.
The doors opened without a sound, which disappointed Gunner. Gigantic castle doors were supposed to emit bloodcurdling groans, but this one didn’t even make a squeak.
Once inside, he did a double take.
He’d expected dusty Gothic décor. Instead, a Rococo bomb had gone off, coating every surface with pink plaster, golden filigree, and hand-painted frescoes. Crystal chandeliers dangled, casting prisms of light across the already overloaded decor.
A small animal wearing a black bow tie scurried up to them.
“Is that... a squirrel?” Gunner whispered.
“Did you just call me a freakin’ squirrel?” The creature stood upright and glared at him with beady black eyes. “I’m a butler, you jackass.”
“Sorry. I’ve never met a… butler before.” Gunner glanced at Snake for help.
“By eck, me and my ill manners. Saul, meet Gunner, our newest crew member. It’s his first day, but he’s a good lad.”
Saul straightened his bow tie. “I know you’re true to your word, Snake, but I’m still keepin’ an eye on this fella.” He sniffed the air in front of Gunner. “Smells too much like a new pillow, if you know what I mean.”
Gunner squared his jaw. “I don’t get it.”
“You’re too clean, unlike these two dirty sons-a-bitches.” Saul jerked a thumb at Horatio and Snake. “Thanks for leaving the gee-tars behind. They make Princess Petal more nervous than a canary in a room full of cats.” He waved a tiny paw. “Waiting room is this way.”
Saul led them to a lavish seating area. Gunner perched on a delicate chair upholstered in pink satin, while Horatio and Snake shared a green velvet love seat. Once Saul was out of earshot, Gunner leaned forward.
“What the fuck, guys! Why didn’t you warn me the butler is a freaking squirrel with a Brooklyn accent?”
Snake shrugged. “Sometimes, it’s nice to be surprised.”
“That bow tie, though? Pretty cute.” Horatio gave a thumbs-up.
Gunner was still annoyed. “What about the outside of this place? Creepy beyond all reason. Then, you walk in and boom… this? I got whiplash from the aesthetic contrast.”
“Cheery in here, though. Maybe a few too many sparkly bits,” Snake said.
Horatio frowned at something to Gunner’s left. “That looks nothing like my dick. You and Seven are crazy.”
Snake strolled to a display case filled with dildos—five shelves worth in various shapes, sizes, and materials. The one in question had its own spotlight. He opened the cabinet and reached inside.
“What are you doing? We’ll get caught,” Horatio hissed.
“Gunner should see it up close.” Snake passed the prized specimen over. “Give it a gander and tell us what you think.”
The bejeweled golden phallus was weighty in Gunner’s hands. Six rows of diamonds circled the flared base—the shaft so incredibly realistic, it even felt real. “The size and shape are spot on.”
Horatio frowned. “Kind of stubby and wide.”
“You’re not viewing it at the proper angle.” Snake motioned for Horatio to stand. “Now hold it like you’re about to slide it up my ass.”
“If Saul comes back right now, I’m going to—oh. I see what you mean.” Horatio jiggled his hips. “Maybe I’ll get myself a diamond cock ring.”
“Maybe I’ll buy you one.” Snake wagged his phone at Horatio. “A shot for the album?”
“Sure, why not.” Horatio sat on the settee, thighs spread, holding the dildo like his own.
“Now suck it.” Gunner couldn’t believe the words came out of his mouth.
“You’re a bad boy.” Horatio stared at Gunner while he licked the flared head and Snake kept snapping pics.
“We’ll get a lot of use out of these photos.” Snake put the dildo back. “Glad that’s settled once and for all.” He nudged Horatio’s leg out of the way and sat.
“Wait a sec, vampire. She’s never seen my dick in person.” He jabbed Snake’s shoulder. “How does she know what it looks like?”
“Perhaps she has an extraordinary imagination?” Snake squirmed.
Horatio crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.
“Fine. The princess paid me a fuck-ton for dick pics so her jeweler could recreate it. Then, she found a magazine spread featuring the Queen of Varity’s collection of rare golden objects, and there you were. Well, not you exactly, but a near perfect match.”
“That’s why she hired us to steal it? We almost got tossed in a crocodile-infested moat!”
“Remember, Princess Petal and the Queen of Varity are bitter rivals. They once got into a fistfight at an auction over a golden butt plug that may have belonged to Cleopatra. But the truth of the matter is lost on you, mate.”
“That you’re a shit friend who’d sell a photo of my dick to make a buck?”
“Oof, that was a dick move—no pun intended. My sincere apologies. But I only did it out of admiration for your magnificent specimen. I get to play with it all the time. How could I say no to a lonely, horny princess who longs for your cock?”
“He has a point,” Gunner said.
“Fine, I’ll forgive you—as long as you play with my dick again later.”
A bit bored and a lot horny, Gunner studied the room and noticed a pattern. “This place is dripping with dick. See those candlesticks over there? Dicks. And the legs on this chair? Dicks. See that painting of the naked hunk holding a bow and arrow? Dick down to his knees.”
“Good eye, lad. I’ve never noticed this. No wonder I’m so comfortable here.” Snake smiled at the painting.
Saul reappeared. “She’s ready to see you now.” He led them down a long hall. “Try not to stare at the portraits. One of ‘em tried to eat a guy.”
Before Gunner could process that, Saul stopped at an ornately carved door and waved a paw over a glowing red light. The door swung inward, revealing a sumptuous bedchamber.
“Snake, Horatio, and whoever you might be, come in, come in!”
Gunner bit his lip to keep from gaping.
Princess Petal reclined against an upholstered headboard, surrounded by a sea of satin pillows.
Auburn curls framed a pretty face that, like the guards, featured two sets of eyes—hers forest green.
Even more distracting were the four breasts stretched in a neat row across her chest, full and round with gold nipples.
Her matching pubic hair glittered beneath her only article of clothing: a sheer mini skirt.
Snake’s accent quickly shifted from pirate to nobleman. “Hello, my darling, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. Meet Gunner, the newest member of our crew.”
Princess Petal squealed. “Isn’t he adorable! Sit, sit. Make yourselves comfortable.” She patted the space next to her. “Horatio, I would be honored if you sat here.”
“Can do.” Horatio left a full foot of space between himself and the princess, while Snake slid in right beside her.
Gunner froze, unsure of where to go. Snake chuckled and yanked his sleeve, causing him to tumble into the enormous bed.
“No need to be shy, young man. I don’t bite. Unless you ask nicely.” Princess Petal waved a hand. “You’re dismissed, dear.”
Saul saluted and scampered away. The sound of the door locking behind him put Gunner on red alert.
“We’ve been in suspense wondering what sort of treasure you’ll be sending us after,” Snake said.
“I do have a picture around here somewhere.” She dug under a pillow and handed Gunner a photo. “Isn’t it stunning?”
Pink and dewy, Gunner thought he was admiring a macro image of a rose until he noticed the golden dildo parting the center.
“It’s so pretty,” Gunner stammered. He passed the photo to Horatio.
“Pretty enough to eat.” Horatio shot the princess a sultry look that made Gunner swoon harder than she did.
Snake snatched the print and turned it sideways. “It is lovely, darling, but I think you already own one of these.” He passed it back to her.
“Oops! My apologies. I can’t imagine where that came from!” She dove back into the pillows and found another. “Here it is—the object I’m desiring.”
“It’s a book,” Horatio said flatly.
Princess Petal gasped. “Not just any book. The original Kama Sutra, hand-drawn on fine linen paper, with twenty positions not found in the common edition.” She tucked her hands beneath her chin. “I simply must have it.”
“Piece of cake.” Horatio handed the photo to Snake.
“We’ll charge our standard fee,” Snake said. “Unless something goes awry.”
“Very good.” Princess Petal gestured to the far wall. “Did you happen to see my latest portrait? I’m quite fond of it.”
The painting depicted Princess Petal as a goddess lounging nude in a marble fountain, legs spread wide. A spray of water modestly veiled her nether regions. She held a softball-sized pearl in each hand and wore a tall, feathered crown.
“I don’t know art, Princess Petal, but I know what I like. And I adore this,” Snake said.
“Great composition,” Gunner offered. “Really captures your royal vibe.” When he turned back, she was yanking her hand from Horatio’s crotch.
“Sorry, dear, that’s not the briefcase I was looking for, but it certainly is solid.”
“How could it not be? That portrait is hot.” Horatio put his hand under the pillow next to him and pulled out a leather case. “Is this what you were after?”
“No, dear. I was after something worth its weight in gold.” She passed the case to Snake, who popped it open, revealing stacks of cash.
Snake waved a bundle under his nose. “Reminds me of you, darling. Give us a kiss?”
What happened next shocked Gunner into silence.