Chapter 31
Horatio
Snake, Sugar, Stiles, and Seven all wore the same confused expression as Dagger sauntered into the kitchen, with Horatio and Gunner close behind.
“Who’s your cutie pie friend, Slayer?” Stiles set a basket of muffins on the counter.
“Friend?” Snake squinted at Dagger. “You look familiar. Have I fucked you before?”
“No. I fuck you. Four times.” Dagger shot Snake a sultry look that almost set Horatio’s pants on fire. “Want to make it five?”
Seven’s fork stopped on the way to his mouth. “Oh, shit. I remember you.”
“Why does everyone know this, uh, person except me?” Sugar asked.
“Remember when me and the boys went missing for three days? He’s one of the reasons why.” Snake raised an eyebrow at Horatio. “Not sure why he’s here now. On my ship.”
“Surprise.” Horatio took his usual spot. “We have a stowaway from Vixen.”
“Stowaway?” Everyone shouted in unison.
Horatio and Gunner took turns relaying the story of how Dagger got onboard, his escape from jail, and the beatings he’d endured at the hands of a Reptilian guard. While they spoke, Dagger made himself at home on Sugar’s lap.
“Such pretty, sexy boy. Kiss me?” Dagger fluttered his long lashes at Sugar.
“If you kiss him, you’ll get super high.” Horatio’s warning came too late. Sugar already had his tongue in Dagger’s mouth. “Well, this day is shot to hell.”
Snake tapped Dagger on the shoulder, and he reluctantly pulled away from Sugar’s lips. “You want kiss me, too?” His buzzing grew louder.
“First, I have a few questions—”
“Talk to him later, Snake.” Sugar’s eyes were glazed. “Dagger and I have important living to do in the fucking room.”
Dagger nodded. “Very important.”
“Wait for me.” Stiles yanked off his apron.
The three of them dashed off, leaving a trail of clothing behind. Horatio could hear Snake’s teeth grind. “You okay?”
“I’m conflicted.”
“Between riding Dagger’s vibrating pole and fixing the ship?” Horatio asked.
“Exactly.” Snake took a gulp of coffee. “Then again, I did get railed all night. What about you, Seven? Plan to join the Vixen-induced impromptu orgy?”
“I’m tired from railing you all night, Captain. Business first. Follow me to the engine room.” Seven stuffed a muffin into his pocket.
· · ·
Seeing Frances’ guts strewn across the engine room floor made Horatio sick to his stomach. “I had no idea it was this bad.”
“I was ready to tear my hair out, but then the solution to our problem just happened to stow away onto the ship last night.”
Snake’s brows shot up. “Are you telling me you want Dagger to help with repairs? How do you know if he’s even qualified? I don’t need some horny stowaway messing around with my girl. She’s fragile right now. Besides, you and I are perfectly capable of fixing her.”
Seven rolled his eyes. “You and I fixed the old ship with ease, but it was—and I can’t stress this enough—a piece of crap. The Frances is a technological marvel. Do you know why?”
“Because we spent two billion on her?” Snake wiped a tear.
“No.” Seven massaged his temples. “Because she came from Vixen, like all the best ships do. Vixenites are master engineers. I thought everyone knew that.”
“Well, I’ll be damned.” Snake took a sip from his flask. “I thought we purchased her in Graphica all this time. But, come to think of it, I was drunk as all get-out that day.”
“You were too wasted to buy your own ship?” Horatio shook his head.
“Because his cheap ass hates spending money.” Seven added a few more items to a growing parts list. “It’s pretty serendipitous that a Vixenite would sneak aboard when we needed him the most.”
“And to think just yesterday, you were afraid to land in Vixen again,” Horatio said.
“I love sex as much as everyone else around here, but even you have to admit, Vixen was a little much,” Seven said.
“A beautiful place, though. Like a magical forest plucked right from a fairy tale,” Snake said. “And the sex was even more otherworldly.”
Seven grinned. “Especially the way they vibrate.”
Horatio relayed every detail about his and Gunner’s sexy time with Dagger. "And that’s why my balls are swollen like two softballs today.”
“Now I understand why Gunner was so anxious for a shower. Probably has Vixenite cum in every orifice,” Snake said. “Lucky boy.”
Seven huffed. “I’ve been fucking for one hundred and eighty years, and some college kid checked double penetration off his ‘fuck-it list’ before me?”
“I’m sure you’ll have a chance to live your dream if Snake decides to change his mind,” Horatio said. “Stranger things have happened.”
“Are you saying I’m obdurate, Horatio?” Seven and Horatio exchanged smirks. “I’m one of the most flexible chaps on this ship!”
“Only when you want your ass railed,” Horatio said.
Snake opened his mouth in retort but burst into laughter instead. “Fine, the horny little bugger can stay. But I’ll be keeping an eye on him.”
Seven mouthed, “Help me,” to Horatio.
“How about we take Gunner to Vanguard? I’ll teach him how to use his guitar, and we can have some target practice. What do you say?” Horatio nudged Snake with his elbow. “Kill big gnarly things. Blood. Gore.”
“You had me at ‘kill things’.” Snake stood.
Seven tore a page from his notebook. “Give this to Sugar or Suki, since they volunteered to make a parts run. And let Saki know that I’ll need him to translate Vixenese.”
“Anything else, your majesty?” Snake said, scowling.
“A quick blow?”
“Fix my ship, and I’ll give you more than just a blow, darling.”
· · ·
After strapping on guitars, Horatio, Snake and Gunner ventured outside the ship. The sun radiated through his heavy battle gear straight to his bones like a life-giving force.
“Damn, we’re lucky we crash-landed here.” Eyes closed, Horatio tipped his face up until his lids turned orange.
“Nothing lucky about it,” Snake said. “Frances brought us here. I’m sure of it.”
“Makes perfect sense that you of all people would have a sentient ship, Snake,” Gunner said. “But kind of spooky.”
Snake pointed to himself. “Vampire. Everything we do is spooky.” He made a portal and motioned for them to head through.
“I already regret suggesting this.” Vanguard was creepier than Horatio remembered. He set down the backpack of provisions Stiles insisted he bring and scanned the area. “This place is bleak as hell.”
“This could be the set of a post-apocalyptic horror film. All these abandoned buildings and rusting cars.” Gunner pointed to a ruin in the distance. “That one looks like a freaking hospital.” He shuddered.
“Scully told me Vanguard used to be a big city until some crazy science types started playing around with genetics,” Snake said. “Hence, all the monsters that populate this place.”
“What’s really weird is that even if you kill them all, they respawn in about an hour, just like a video game—look out!” Horatio played a chord, and a two-headed alligator-like creature dropped to the ground, stone dead.
“Why didn’t it explode?” Gunner asked.
“We were too close, and washing monster guts out of long hair is a nightmare.” Horatio stood next to Gunner and gave him a refresher on how to work his guitar.
“Whenever you use the volume knob, something dies. If you want to stun or paralyze, you know, defensive-type stuff, set the volume to zero and use the tone knob. Also, when you use the volume knob, always aim the neck at the target. Don’t forget that part. ”
“What if I do, though?” Gunner’s eyes were wild with fear.
“You won’t. Your guitar becomes an extension of you, like it knows your intentions, or something. Weird, but so is using a guitar for a weapon.”
“Big bastard at twelve o’clock,” Snake whispered.
“Watch. I set the volume and tone to ten. Now I aim the neck at the target and strum.” The giant beast heading toward them exploded, scattering pieces of flesh and bone all over the dry ground.
“Sick!” Gunner grinned.
“Are you ready to try?” Horatio asked. “Let’s set it to paralyze until you’re more comfortable. It only immobilizes them for a few minutes, though.”
Gunner chewed his lip while he set his guitar. “Everything out here is deadly?”
“Scary deadly.” Snake pointed to the right. “There, the red one!”
“Just keep an eye on it and hit the strings. No need to aim with this setting.”
“Shit, this one’s fast.” Gunner strummed and the red-scaled creature froze about 6-feet from his boots. “I need to speed up my reaction time.”
“That’s why we’re practicing.” Horatio grabbed Gunner’s sleeve and pulled him back. “It’s gonna wake up soon, so adjust the volume.”
“The red ones will eat you alive, cock first, if you give them a chance,” Snake said.
“What?” Gunner set the volume, pointed, and hesitated—until one of the creature’s legs twitched. “Oh-h-h, fuck you, dude!” he yelled before hitting the strings. The beast imploded, leaving nothing behind but a puddle of goo.
“Nice work, lad,” Snake said. “Now that you’ve got one under your belt, it’ll get easier.”
Gunner blew up a huge, furred creature with three snarling heads. “Let’s find more. This is better than Nintendo, man!”
“You’re sexy when you’re killing monsters, Gun. I’m getting a boner,” Horatio said.
Snake headed west toward a group of giant, horned lizards he’d spotted in the distance. He stopped and put a hand up. “Look alive, boys! We’ve been spotted!”
A few hours later, the rugged terrain was littered with dead bodies. Bloody pieces of exploded flesh steamed under the hot sun. “Thanks for keeping us safe, baby.” Horatio kissed his twelve-string, wishing he could use it for music instead of murder.
“It’s clear for now. Play something,” Gunner said. “All you’ll do is kill monsters that would try to eat us anyway, right?”
“Do it, Slayer. I’ve always wanted to hear you perform, well, outside the bedroom. And you’re damned good at that.”
“Okay. You guys asked for it.” He pointed to Gunner. “Name the song.”
“How about ‘Bored’? The opening riff just fucking shreds.”
“You got it, Cupcake. Shield your loins, dudes. Anything could happen.”
Horatio took a deep breath and let his fingers fly.
He couldn’t decide which made him happier: wailing on his guitar or watching Gunner enjoy his performance.
He sat leaning back on his hands, eyes heavy, head banging to the heavy metal sound.
Just for fun, he pretended to fuck his guitar, eliciting a “Bloody hell!” from Snake.
“I was in a time loop of procrastination,” he sang, his voice stronger than he expected. Before he could get to the second line, a bolt of lightning split a massive tree down the middle and set it on fire.
“Thanks for coming to the show, Vanguard. See you next time.”
Gunner burst into applause, but Snake just stared, open-mouthed.
“That’s why the guy’s a billionaire.” Gunner beamed.
“You’re like a fucking god with that thing.” Snake pushed against his crotch with the palm of one hand.
“Thanks, guys. That felt fucking fantastic.” Horatio saw something moving out of the corner of his eye. “Something’s running this way at warp speed.” The thing turned out to be a figure. “Make that someone.”
Snake shielded his eyes. “Hold your fire! I know that guy.”
“So do I.” Horatio turned up the volume and pointed the neck of his guitar at the man who topped his personal ‘most wanted’ list.
Ormond Caine.