Chapter 39
Horatio
Horatio held Gunner’s hand while they headed to the kitchen, mostly to keep himself from floating. He’d woken up giddy and was sure he’d be like that for the rest of the day.
Or his life.
He stopped in his tracks and pulled Gunner close. “Fuck, I’m still in love with you.”
“I’m still in love with you, too. Damn it.” Sighing dramatically, he wrapped one leg around Horatio’s thigh and leaned back, one hand pressed against his forehead. “Will this misery ever end?”
Horatio buried his face in Gunner’s neck. “Let’s fling ourselves overboard. Naked. Into a nest of giant squids. We’ll go out four tentacles full.”
Gunner smacked Horatio’s ass. “Stop making me horny.”
They found Snake and Iggy side by side at the counter, drinking coffee, while Stiles busied himself with breakfast prep.
“Glad to see you two finally managed to drag yourselves out of bed. I’m docking you a day’s wages, just so you know.” Snake winked.
“Oh dear,” Iggy said. “Hope you boys weren’t feeling poorly.”
“We weren’t in bed because we were sick. We were—”
“Fucking. All day.” Gunner grinned.
Horatio fell in love a little harder. “Damn skippy.” He sat in his usual spot and blew Stiles a kiss. “So, what’d we miss?”
“Iggy’s just arrived and claims to have big news.” Stiles set down a pitcher of cream. “But he’s taking his sweet time telling us.”
“Don’t leave us in suspense, mate. Spill,” Snake said.
“Just trying to add a little drama.” Iggy added cream to his coffee and stirred slowly.
Snake huffed. “Are you like this in bed?”
“Let me know when you’d like to find out.
” Iggy smiled so big, Horatio caught the glint of a gold crown.
He set his spoon on a napkin. “Yesterday, me and Alistar spent hours tracking down Remy Jackson. Found him in a fishing village just outside of Merona proper. Handsome fella. I sent Alistar on his way so we could have a proper shag.” He took a sip of coffee.
“Bit afraid of my dick, so I gladly bottomed. Nice to get plugged for a change.”
“Who’s Remy?” Horatio finally cut in.
“The bloke Alistar sold the scroll to.”
“A hard man to track down,” Iggy said. “But easy in the way I like. Had him sans knickers in less than—”
“Did you get the scroll?”
“Sorry, Horatio. I didn’t. Remy sold it. Couldn’t remember to whom, either.”
“Damn,” Gunner, Stiles, and Snake chorused.
Horatio slumped.
“But railing my ass must’ve knocked his wits back in place, because right after we came, he snapped his fingers and said, ‘Oi. I still have the receipt.’ Turned out to be the same bloke who translated it in the first place.
Funny how things circle back sometimes.” Iggy put a folded piece of paper on the counter. “Got his address and a map.”
Snake unfolded it and whistled. “You’re a fine, good bloke, my son.” He gave Iggy a hot kiss that left him gasping.
“Road trip! Where do we find him?” Horatio asked.
“Petulia.” Snake grinned. “A place I know like the back of my cock.”
Gunner read the map. “Professor Reginald Westenburg. University instructors always have a shit ton of syllables in their names.” He got a dreamy look in his eyes. “I wonder if he wears a tweed jacket with elbow patches.”
Horatio squeezed Gunner’s thigh. “Gotta kink for teachers?”
“Teachers, guitar players, and pirates.” He flushed. “And Daddies. Sometimes.”
Stiles squealed with joy. “Same!” He poked Horatio. “And this guy is one of the best at playing the Daddy role, aren’t you, Big Sexy?”
“Oh, fuck yeah.” Gunner licked the tip of an imaginary pencil and pretended to write a note on his palm. “I’ve got that penciled in for tonight.”
Suddenly dizzy, Horatio had to put both hands on the counter. He fell dick-first in love with a dude who shared all his kinks?
Have mercy.
Seven and Suki appeared, clad in robes, hair mussed, necks covered in hickeys. “We’ll take a bucket of coffee to go, Stiles,” Suki said.
“You two are supposed to be helping Dagger fix my ship!” Snake gnashed his fangs.
“It’s six a.m., vampire.” Seven scowled back with equal intensity.
“Where is Dagger, anyway?” Horatio asked.
“Tied to my bed.” Seven wagged his brows.
“The ropes are more for show. Nothing can hold that chaos fairy down,” Suki said.
“Wait a sec,” Horatio said. “Dagger is a fairy? You sure?”
“Not sure what variety, but he’s definitely a fey creature. I dated an Imp once, and he had a similar libido.” Suki caught Iggy staring and shot him a look. “See anything you like?”
“Plenty. But nothin’ I’m worthy of.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” Suki said, before he and Stiles sauntered off, carrying a carafe of French roast and a basket of blueberry muffins.
“What do you suppose he meant?” Iggy whispered.
“He meant you have a shot with him, so don’t blow it,” Horatio said.
“Let’s plan on leaving for Petulia in an hour,” Snake said. “Want to come along, Iggy? You never know what’ll happen in that horny dimension.”
“If you don’t mind, I’ll stay and help with the engine.” Iggy stared off in the direction Suki had taken.
“Yeah.” Horatio snorted. “The engine.”
Stiles giggled. “Play your cards right, Iggy, and you’ll be the next one tied to Suki’s bed.”
“Promise?” Iggy asked, eyes shining.
“Did you ever find your crew, dude?” Horatio asked.
“I found them, and then they got lost again.” Iggy sighed. “I need a new career path.”
Snake rubbed his chin while staring at Iggy. “You know, old chap, we could use an extra hand around here. Boys, raise your hand if you think he should join our crew.”
Horatio and Gunner quickly raised a hand.
Stiles raised two. “One for me and one for Sugar, because we’ve already discussed this.”
“Welp, that settles it,” Snake said. “Welcome aboard, Ignatius Caine.”
· · ·
Once they’d portaled into Petulia, Snake read the map. “We head west for three blocks. His house is on the end of Cherry Blossom Drive.”
“What if he doesn’t want to sell?” Gunner asked.
“We’ll intimidate him until he does. Kinda hope he’s uncooperative. Been too long since I’ve reminded a man how sharp my tools are.” Snake licked his fangs.
“Gotta say, Snake, you made Iggy the happiest pirate in the universe this morning,” Horatio said.
“Once he came to, you mean,” Snake said.
Overjoyed, Iggy had fainted and cracked his head on the counter before landing on the floor, requiring first aid from Sugar.
“He’s the kind of guy who’s even sexier with stitches in his head, though,” Horatio said.
Gunner chuckled. “You’re not wrong.”
Horatio pointed to a two-story brick manor with tidy landscaping. “That’s the place.”
“Try not to threaten him for at least five minutes,” Gunner told Snake before pressing the doorbell. After a long pause, a voice rang out through an intercom.
“Yes?”
“Professor Westenburg?” Gunner asked. “My friends and I are looking for an antique scroll you purchased recently. We’d like to make an offer.”
The door flung open. Clad in a red flannel robe and bright argyle socks, the professor looked like he’d gone a few rounds with a rabid badger. Hair wild, skin pale, eyes glazed, Horatio still found him attractive as hell.
“You want the scroll?” He clutched the doorjamb.
“Yes, and we’ll take it by force if necessary,” Snake said.
“He’s kidding,” Horatio added. “We’ll pay double your asking price.”
His eyes traveled from Horatio to Snake to Gunner, where they lingered. “Please excuse my appearance. I wasn't expecting company.” He straightened his spine and smiled. “I’m Professor Reginald Westenburg. Happy to meet you.”
They introduced themselves in turn, but Horatio didn’t want to reveal his name. “Bond. James Bond,” he said as they shook hands.
“Please, come in.”
Professor Westenburg led them to a dark sitting room stuffed to the rafters with antiques. “Make yourselves at home.” He yanked open the drapes. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
Horatio sat on a leather wing chair. “This place is a masculine version of Petulia Castle” he whispered.
“No dick décor here, though,” Snake whispered back.
“But he is strictly dickly. I could tell by the way he tried to eye-fuck Gunner.”
Gunner wheezed. “Shut up. He did not.”
While they waited, Snake examined a full bookcase and chuckled. He removed a worn volume. “We have this one in our library,” he whispered.
Horatio read the title. “Chemical (se)X. I read that one. Good wank fodder.”
The professor called from another room. “Would you gentlemen care for a brandy?”
“That would be great, thank you, Professor,” Gunner said. Horatio’s cock twitched at his schoolboy politeness.
Now dressed and polished to movie star perfection, the professor pushed in a brass cart. “Are you gentlemen students at the University?”
Tweed jacket. Suede elbow patches. Gunner was definitely checking him out, but Horatio wasn’t jealous. Watching Gunner use his charms on someone new cranked his libido big time.
“We’re not students, sir. We’re… collectors of rare objects,” Gunner said.
“Hence your interest in the scroll.” His hands trembled as he poured. “Trust me when I say this: you’ll be glad you had a drink before meeting the item in question.”
Horatio’s hand felt too big wrapped around the delicate brandy snifter. He chugged it down. Just being in the same building as the scroll made him jumpy.
“What exactly do you teach, Professor?” Horatio asked.
“Please, call me Reginald. I teach ancient and cuneiform languages.” He gave a weak smile. “I get many requests for translation work.”
“That’s why Prince Alistar of Clairidia sought you out,” Snake said.
Reginald raised a brow. “Indeed.”
“The prince hired us to retrieve the scroll,” Snake said. “He realized that selling such a rare and valuable artifact was a mistake.”
“I’m surprised the king will allow it back into the castle. From what the seller told me, he’s terrified of it.” Reginald stared into his glass. “As am I.”
“Are you ready to show it to us, Professor?” Gunner asked.
He shot Gunner a flirty smile. “You may call me by my first name.”
“Sorry, sir. I can’t.”
When the professor went to retrieve the scroll, Gunner leaned forward in his chair. “Would you guys be cool if I hit that?” he whispered.
“Feel free to act out any dirty schoolboy fantasy you want. Right, Snake?”
Snake nodded enthusiastically. “The filthier, the better.”
Reginald returned, carrying a metal strongbox. He set it on the floor, knelt, and worked the lock. The lid creaked open on its own. Startled, he stood and backed up.
“Does it always do this?” Horatio asked.
Mouth grim, Reginald shook his head.
“Hoo boy.” Gunner moved closer to Snake.
Green fog emanated from the strongbox. Through the haze, an ornately decorated leather case rose into the air. It drifted toward Horatio and settled on his lap.
“It knows its master,” Snake whispered. “Open it.”
Heart in his throat, Horatio eased the case open and reached inside. The faint scent of parchment drifted up as his fingers closed around the scroll. The instant it left the case, the strongbox slammed shut, lock engaging with a decisive click.
Snake shrank back. “Guess it doesn’t want to go back in there.”
“It has always refused to be contained. Sometimes at night, I can hear it speaking to me, in a language even I’ve never heard before.” Reginald took a deep breath. “When Prince Alistar broke the seal, I think he unleashed something.”
Half expecting the parchment to burn his skin, Horatio unrolled it and just stared. The strange symbols glowed the same familiar shade of green.
Reginald recited his translation. “A giant of a man known as Horatio Slice will travel from Earth on a ship of silver. Wielding his mighty tool, he will slay the flaming-haired king, ending his madness and uniting the universe in peace and harmony. So it is written. So it is done.” He exhaled. “The text is burned into my memory.”
“Alistar said he assumed tool meant guitar,” Horatio said.
“Guitar? That’s not a word I’m familiar with in any language. In ancient Vixenese, the word ‘valent’ can mean ‘tool’, ‘implement’, or even ‘big club’, depending on context.”
“There’s no music in the universe,” Gunner muttered under his breath.
“More brandy, Horatio?” Reginald asked. “Sorry to be curt, but I couldn’t help but deduce that you are actually the chosen one.”
“Guilty.” Horatio rolled the scroll and closed it back inside the case. “I’ll take that drink, but do you have anything stronger?”
“I’ve just the thing. Let’s leave that… here while we imbibe? I find it hard to breathe when I’m in the same room with it.”
They followed Reginald to his study. Horatio and Snake took a seat on opposite sides of a long sofa, but instead of sitting between them, Gunner perched on an ottoman—sitting on the edge as if anxious for something.
Horatio was pretty sure he knew what for.
Reginald opened a cabinet and pulled out a frosted bottle Horatio recognized. “Pirate rum. I bought it on the black market, and it’s worth every penny.” He served them three fingers’ worth in heavy crystal glasses.
Snake took a sniff and smiled. “You enjoy the finer things in life, my friend. As do I.”
“I gathered that from the company you keep.” Once again, he smiled at Gunner, who knocked back his drink in two gulps.
“Smoother than a freshly waxed taint?” Horatio asked him.
“Not as smooth as yours,” Gunner said.
“You three are delightful company, I must say.” Reginald sat between Horatio and Snake. “I haven’t left the house in weeks or slept more than an hour. If you would be so kind as to take the scroll off my hands, I’d gladly pay. It’s the least I can do to show my appreciation.”
“I have a better way for you to do that,” Gunner said.
Reginald shivered the same way Horatio did when Gunner gave him that look—mouth curled with lust, gaze hot enough to burn.
“Young man, I would do anything you ask of me with great pleasure.”
“Good to know,” Gunner said.
Professor Westenburg was about to receive the gift of a lifetime.
And he’d better appreciate it.