22. Chapter 22
Chapter twenty-two
Katrina’s face was flushed with tears. Her heart ached from Willem’s story, which he shared between sobs—but not for reasons he might suspect.
“I-I just sat there,” he whispered, his breath hitching as though he were holding back the flood of emotions. “I sat there and did nothing. I cowered behind the barrier and couldn’t face the battle.”
“But—”
“I should have moved or done something, but I froze!” he continued, his voice panicked and ragged.
“Johannes forced me up—told me to move. But there was so much smoke and screaming. The muskets fired, and I thought I had met my end. But when Johannes fell…” His body shuddered.
“The blood! So much blood. I couldn’t keep it all in. It kept pouring and pouring…”
A choked gasp emitted from the cavity of his chest as he raised his trembling hands.
“I can see it all. I can see the way men fell around me.” He pointed to the hill.
“There… that’s where it happened. Where I-I should have bound Johannes’s wound, I should have dragged his body away, or just listened and moved when he told me to, but…
The muskets came over the barrier and… I ran.
I took one of the Hessian horses and never looked back. ”
He slammed one fist into the ground. Katrina flinched at the weight of his confession, crushing over him.
“I watched him die,” he whispered.
A new wave of tears stung Katrina’s eyes. Her throat tightened at the palpable disgust rolling from his trembling form, the self-hatred threatening to tear him apart. She realized he had lost more than Johannes that day—he had lost himself.
“He loved you, Katrina. He loved you so much and couldn’t wait to see you again.
But I took that from him. I cannot bear to even look at you,” he wept.
“For I am so ashamed. I did this to you,” he said, gesturing to the unmarked graves.
“I am the reason you no longer have your brother. It’s all my fault! ”
It was a grief so deep she felt it in her soul. He bent over, wrapping his arms around his torso, and she crawled closer.
“And all this time, how could I have forgotten? How could I let his memory die? I deserve to feel this pain.”
Willem curled his fists, his shoulders hunched, as if he were collapsing under the weight of despair. Katrina would not let him bear it alone. She embraced him, her arms propping him up against her. Cold tears slid down her cheeks, freezing against the wind.
Willem froze under her touch, his body trembling beneath her. “Katrina,” he said hoarsely. “I don’t—what are you—?”
“No more,” she whispered.
“What?”
“Do not bear this guilt upon yourself,” she said. “Now I know the truth about my brother. He died as honorably as everyone said he had. He saved you. And I know he still loved me.”
Another cry wrenched from him. “It is a life undeserving.”
“No,” she said vehemently, her fingernails digging into his back. “It is a life he found worth saving—a life I’m so grateful to have beside me.”
The hesitant arms clutched onto her as if she were the only thing keeping him from sinking to the ground and joining the bones below.
“Why?” he asked, his ragged breaths slowing. “Why extend such grace to me? I cannot undo what I’ve done. Your brother should be here instead of me. He is more deserving than I.”
Katrina’s hand rubbed up and down his back. “Because he found you deserving. And in the end… we are all broken souls who don’t deserve grace. But we receive it anyway.”
Willem shuddered against her. “I don’t know how to live with myself. How to face the town with what I’ve done—how to face you. When I close my eyes, I am haunted by the images of war… of your brother… and I don’t know if I will ever be free of them.”
Katrina pulled back enough to see the gaping hole in his neck. No face appeared, but she sensed his grief—the darkness of shame hovering over him.
“Some memories may torment us for as long as we live,” she conceded.
“I’ve lived with my guilt for fourteen years and borne it alone.
It’s such a lonely burden.” Her breath hitched, but she graced him with a watery smile.
“We no longer need to be alone if we have each other. We can learn to forgive ourselves.”
“It doesn’t seem right,” he whispered. “To forgive myself.”
Katrina felt that echo in her soul. “I understand the weight of feeling like this is all my fault, why my brother passed. But it is not our fault,” she said, and another swell of tears broke over her lashes.
The truth stung her core, the pain releasing in torrent streams. For years, the pent-up anger and guilt ate her alive for what she had said to Johannes.
But the words she wanted to deny herself came flowing out.
“We were but children,” she whispered. “How can we hold such contempt for ourselves—for the things we said and did as frightened children?”
The Horseman shuddered beneath her, finally untangling himself from her embrace. She stared at where his head should be and felt the weight of his gaze piercing through her.
“Would you think so ill of another fourteen-year-old boy who had done the same?” she asked. “For running in the heat of such a terrible battle?”
“No,” Willem said—the tears from where his eyes should have been plopped onto the grass beneath them.
“It is not a place for children, yet you bore the nightmarish scenes,” she added. “You were brave when so many had turned away from the cause.”
“I was a coward,” he interrupted bitterly.
Katrina forged on. “I cannot fault you for being terrified when death rang all around you. When everything in your body screamed at you to survive… and I’m glad you did. I’m so glad you are alive.”
The wind howled around their silence. Katrina hoped he could sense her sincerity and feel the emotions she still couldn’t bring herself to say.
“I—” he started, his voice breaking. “I still do not know why you are glad. I am the reason for your suffering—child or not. I took the most precious thing from you.”
“How can you be responsible for my brother’s actions? He chose to protect you, and he is not the only person who is precious to me…”
“B-but if I had moved or taken action then—”
“Willem…” she said gently, taking his hand. Something within her whispered the words she knew he needed to hear: “I forgive you.”
Another sob suddenly racked through his body. The deep, guttural cries were a strange sound of despair and relief. He reached for his neck, and a faint glow shimmered at his collar.
Her eyes rounded, “Willem—”
Tears continued to flow from where his eyes should have been. “I may not be deserving of such forgiveness… but I must accept the frightened boy I was. To accept…” he swallowed thickly, “that your brother saved me, and he did so because he loved me too.”
Katrina’s hand slid to where the outline of his cheek began to materialize. “Let’s both accept the grace he extended to us.”
A soft, tremulous breath escaped him. His shoulders sagged, and Katrina sensed he was finally allowing some forgiveness and acceptance to seep into his heart.
Light, as soft and warm as heaven, glowed brighter around his neck.
Katrina’s grip on his hand tightened, and her mouth parted in surprise as the glow burst with white radiance.
Katrina squinted against the brightness until the outline of a face slowly materialized into pale skin and sharp cheekbones.
The luminous shimmer coalesced until a head and neck sat firmly upon his shoulders.
Dark hair tousled in gentle waves around his face, and his deep brown eyes widened with disbelief.
His youthful features had hardened into sharp lines and a chiseled jaw.
A small scar marked the right side of his lip.
He no longer appeared as a sickly fourteen-year-old boy, but as a man weathered by years of loneliness.
Willem reached a hand to his face, and he jerked when he made contact. “I—” he began, his eyes widening. “Is this happening? Is this real?”
“Yes,” she said, tears springing to her eyes. “You did it!”
All the feelings she’d repressed erupted with joy. Without thinking, she sprang forward and kissed him. Their mouths met in a clumsy clash, and he gasped against her lips. Inhaling sharply, she broke away from the cold dread of realization. He stared at her, blinking with rounded eyes.
“I’m sorry—” she stammered. “I shouldn’t have—”
He exhaled shakily before his hand cupped the back of her neck, guiding her until their mouths met. His lips crashed over hers, desperate, as though he were afraid she’d disappear at any moment. Butterflies exploded from her belly as he wrapped a strong arm around her waist, unwilling to let go.
Katrina wrapped her arms around his neck, entwining her fingers to anchor herself to him.
Her heart thrummed with the joy of this moment.
Finally, she could give in to the feelings she’d repressed for too long.
The autumn chill vanished, and the world around them blurred under the heat of their kiss.
Slowly, he broke away, and their breaths came out in quiet white puffs in the frigid air. His fingers shifted hesitantly over her waist.
“I’m here,” she whispered, leaning forward to press her forehead against his. For the first time, she could gaze into his eyes and get lost in the dark pool of his emotions.
“I can hardly believe it,” he said. “The curse is lifted… and you…”
She stroked his warm cheek. “Yes, you did it, Willem. Johannes would be so proud. Let’s repay him by living a good, honest life… together.”
Willem closed his eyes as a tear trickled down his face. Katrina pulled him into another embrace, relishing the quiet moment of true peace.