Chapter 18
The rapid swirl of need and want and craziness inside Dustin slowed . . . but only a little. His heartbeat was thudding a million beats per second. His breath was lost somewhere inside his chest and would never be found.
Her beautiful blue eyes were fixed on him, waiting for an answer to her question. She wanted to know what was going on between them—if their kisses meant something or not.
She could obviously tell the interest had shifted between them and in him.
Even so, what was he doing kissing her like he had a right to do so? What was he doing hauling her toward the bed?
As if sensing his growing agitation, she released her hold around him. At the same time, he gently lowered her. Once she was standing, he took a large step away from her.
With her cheeks flushed, eyes bright, and lips swollen, he wanted to tug her back into his arms and keep on kissing her. Her long dark hair was in a free fall around her face and tumbling over her shoulders. Had he taken out her hair clip at some point? Or had she?
His desire for her was so strong, he had to take another step back.
Of course, it didn’t help that she was wearing shorts that showed off her legs and a shirt that hugged her snuggly.
Deep down, though, he knew this attraction to her went far deeper than admiring her sexy body.
He’d dated other beautiful women and hadn’t had this kind of reaction.
No, he was drawn to Silver because of who she was inside—all of those sweet, interesting, and fun qualities that made her so special.
He always had been attracted and was even more now that he’d gotten reacquainted with her.
She was studying his face. “So it’s not pretend, but it’s also not something you want?”
Leave it to Silver to get right to the point.
What could he say in response? He could attribute the kissing and affection and spending time together to their pretending to be honeymooners. Even if he did that, he would know she was right. That it hadn’t all been pretend.
However, if he admitted it was real, then he would also have to acknowledge he’d come into the cabin carrying her like he was an out-of-control hormonal teenager instead of the disciplined and restrained man he’d worked so hard to become.
He’d thought all those years of extreme conditions and training as a Ranger and even as a security agent would pay off.
Clearly not. He’d failed at self-control. Somehow, the restraint he’d developed over the years had slipped away, and he’d almost allowed himself to lose his mind the same way he had in the past.
During their last summer together, he’d hated feeling so out of control, as if he couldn’t stop himself from caring for her and kissing her, even after he’d spent a year trying.
Of course, he knew now that she hadn’t gotten his letters, but at the time, he’d been angry with himself for being so strongly attracted to her even when he’d thought she had rejected him.
That same feeling of being out of control was swirling inside him now. Why did being with Silver turn him into such a weakling? Why was he so easily swayed when it came to her? And why couldn’t he maintain the boundaries that were necessary in his job?
He’d hoped being with her again wouldn’t be so hard, but it was proving to be even more difficult than he’d imagined to resist her and to resist the feelings that had always been there.
“This was why I didn’t want to take the job guarding you.” He couldn’t keep the frustration from his voice.
She winced. “Why, exactly, is guarding me so horrible?”
He had to soften his approach because he wasn’t angry at her. He was only angry at himself. Even so, the words came out clipped. “Because I can’t stay strong while I’m around you. I turn into a simpering excuse of a man.”
“I see. So this is my fault?”
“No, it’s mine. I’m the one who’s weak. Obviously very weak.” He cocked his head toward the bed. “If not for you putting a halt to the kissing, who knows how far I would have taken things?”
“You would have stopped.”
“Maybe not.” He wasn’t proud of himself for how easily he’d gotten caught up in kissing her on the porch swing.
He simply hadn’t been able to resist how perfect she’d felt sitting on his lap.
Her touch had been electric. Then when she’d wrapped her legs and arms around him, he’d lost his mind.
All he’d been able to think about was kissing her.
He hadn’t been able to stop himself, hadn’t wanted to.
If the stalker had chosen that minute to attack, Dustin wouldn’t have noticed, the same way he hadn’t noticed earlier in the day when his phone went dead, right before Ty and Isaac had shown up.
He jammed his fingers in his hair. The truth was, he wasn’t doing his job with the necessary objectivity, skill, and alertness required of an agent.
“I’ll contact my boss and ask for a replacement.
” He should have done it the moment he’d realized he wouldn’t be able to maintain his self-control in this case.
But he supposed he’d been looking for every excuse he could find to be with Silver because he’d already lost himself in his desire for her.
She was silent. But her eyes were turning glassy.
Shoot. He was making her sad, the same way he’d made her sad that night long ago when they’d kissed and he’d told her he couldn’t be with her.
Was that what he was saying again? That he didn’t want to be with her this time for the same reason, because he didn’t like losing control of himself the way he always did when he was with her.
“I’m sorry, Silver.” The words came out more gently but still held the firmness of his resolve.
As much as he cared about her, even loved her, he couldn’t be her executive protection agent any longer.
He would stay on and work behind the scenes with Isaac.
Killian would probably push for that so that they didn’t lose the promised bonus on the job.
If Franklin dropped the bonus, Dustin wouldn’t blame him. He might not be able to launch his security app into the world as quickly as he’d hoped, but he wouldn’t be able to take a bonus he hadn’t earned.
She sniffled. “So you’re willing to throw away the possibility of a relationship again?”
Throw away the possibility? Did they really stand a chance? The connection between them was strong and passionate and filled with promise, and he couldn’t deny he was crazy about her. But that was also the problem . . . he turned into a weak fool whenever he was around her.
“This isn’t the right time.”
“That’s what you said last time.” She swiped up a sweatshirt draped across the end of the bed and slipped it on with jerky motions, clearly upset at him or at them or at his hesitation to commit to her.
When she finished, she lifted her chin. Her eyes were still filled with tears, and her bottom lip wobbled just a little.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“I’m sorry too, Dustin.” She pulled her hair up, winding it behind her head. “I believe you’re a stronger man than you think. Strong or weak, I was falling in love with you again.”
His heartbeat tripped over itself. She was admitting to falling in love with him?
She pulled a hair tie from her pocket and began to wind it around a messy bun. “Clearly, I’m the one who was mistaken in thinking that we could move forward with something new and beautiful.”
“This isn’t your fault—”
“It is my fault for letting myself hope for more. Because that’s what I always do, hope for the best. And I was hoping you would be willing to give me another chance, especially now that you know the truth about what happened to the letters.”
His chest twisted with need—the need to fold her in his arms, comfort her, and tell her everything would be all right. But he had to be honest with her. “As much as I cared about you then—and still care about you now—things probably worked out the way they should have.”
A tear slipped out and rolled down her cheek. She ducked her head and swiped it away.
An ache pulsed through his chest. He hated that he was hurting her this way again. “Please don’t cry.”
She sniffled, then plucked a tissue from the box on the bedside table. As she dabbed at her eyes, she crossed to the door and stepped out onto the front porch.
The evening was settling in with longer shadows and a darkening sky overhead. Thankfully, the neighboring couple was no longer on their front porch. Looking toward the trail that led toward the lodge, Dustin caught a glimpse of Debbie’s bright-pink gown through the foliage. It wasn’t hard to miss.
Silver started down the stairs.
“Where are you going?” He closed the cabin door, then swept his gaze over the landscape, taking in every detail as he always did—the private airplane flying to the south, the sound of the UTV on the trail not far away, and the waft of somebody’s dinner in the air.
“I’m going for a walk.” She started toward the main paved path.
“Not alone.”
“I need a few minutes by myself.” She continued forward.
He started after her, keeping a few feet behind her.
When she reached the paved pathway, she stopped, her shoulders stiff. “Please, Dustin. Please.” From the wobble in her voice, she was crying. “I can’t be with you right now.”
He halted, her hurt crushing his heart in one swift blow. What was he doing? He hadn’t meant for their evening to end up like this. “I didn’t want this to happen—”
“Don’t, Dustin.” Her voice was thin with emotion. “I can’t live through you letting me walk out of your life and never pursuing me again.”
Yes, when she laid it out like that, he supposed that’s what he’d done.
Because he was cursed with hurting women.
She’d tried to tell him that he wasn’t. But here he was hurting her again, even though he hadn’t wanted to, still didn’t want to, and wished there was a way he could make everything all right so she didn’t have to feel confused and sad.
“What if we keep in touch?” He wasn’t sure where that question came from, except that he couldn’t imagine going on with his life without Silver in it, especially now that he’d spent time with her again.
She bent her head. Then she dragged in a shuddering breath. “Please just let me have a little walk by myself.”
“I can’t.” Even though the cameras at the Double H and at Healing Springs had been mostly quiet, Dustin wasn’t willing to take any chances. “But how about if Isaac takes over for me for a little bit?”
“As much as I like Isaac, I don’t want to talk to him right now either.”
“He’ll give you your space. I promise.”
She hesitated a moment, then nodded.
Before he could send Isaac a message, a text pinged on his phone.
Isaac: Just heard and saw everything through the camera. Dude you’re a moron.
Dustin: Shut up.
Isaac: I’ll be there in five.
Dustin glanced at the pine tree beside the cabin and located the tiny camera in the high branches, then sighed. “Isaac’s on his way.”
Silver nodded. “Maybe it would be best for Isaac to be my bodyguard for the rest of the time.”
Isaac was good at the technology and could step in and do the personal protection duty when necessary. But Dustin wasn’t taking any chances. “You’ll get a replacement. Someone will be here by tomorrow.”
She didn’t respond except to sniffle again.