12. Stevie
twelve
stevie
My mind can’t believe it.
I should feel dirty. I should be deeply ashamed. But the feeling doesn’t come. I only feel relief that I can pay my half of the rent now, and that I had the most erotic and satisfying night of my life with Hunter.
He was rough. He tied me up. He slapped my pussy.
He pulled my hair and spanked my ass. He took me into his massive shower and rubbed soap all over my body, then pressed me against the tiles and fucked me from behind, rubbing my breasts and pinching my nipples so hard I thought I would pass out.
My pussy was sore and he didn’t care. Neither did I.
I knew I could’ve made him stop by saying the safe word, but I didn’t.
And what does that say about me?
I was a virgin yesterday. Now I’m someone else. A woman who loves rough sex and a man telling her what to do. A woman who let a man tie her up, spank her, and slap her pussy without protest. A woman who let a man pay her for using her body.
Again, the feeling of shame and regret doesn’t come.
I log out of my bank app and pull up the essay I’ve been working on for my English class.
We’ve been reading The English Patient by Michael Ondaatje.
It’s a fascinating book, beautifully written.
Though it has many themes, I’m most intrigued by the love affair in it – how ardent and passionate it is.
My essay explores the relationship between the English patient and the woman he loves. I just wish they had a happier ending.
I’ve only written about a paragraph when Becca pokes her head into my room.
“Let’s go out,” she says.
I turn in my seat to face her. “Where?”
“Shopping and lunch?” she asks hopefully.
I look back at the cursor blinking on my screen. I still have a week before the essay is due. “Okay,” I reply, shutting my laptop. “Let’s do it.”
“Yay,” she squeals. “Thank you.”
We drive out to the town center. There are several cute boutiques, coffee shops, and restaurants lining the main street. Becca insists on visiting every single boutique. She’s very much into fashion.
“Oh my god, this dress would look amazing on you,” she says, brandishing a short red dress she’s taken off the rack.
“You think so? I don’t think red is my color.”
“Red is everyone’s color.” She hands it to me. “You have to try it on.” She grabs another dress, a sparkly gold mini with spaghetti straps. “And I’ll try this one on.”
Eventually, she’s chosen three outfits for me to try on, and so many for her that I can’t keep track. I end up loving the red dress she picked out. It has an off-shoulder neckline and a very short slit in the skirt. It hugs my curves like a dream.
And I can afford to buy it with the money Hunter gave me.
I can also afford to buy more jewelry-making supplies.
I feel a thrill go through me, and then feel guilty for not feeling guilty. The shop girl folds the dress and puts it in a small pink paper bag for me. Becca ends up buying the sparkly gold dress and a black skirt and white lace crop top.
Grabbing our purchases, we head into a restaurant with outdoor seating. It’s a beautiful day, chilly, but the sun is shining and the sky is mostly clear with a few puffy clouds. I feel better than I’ve felt in weeks.
“Any luck with the job hunt?” Becca asks after we’ve placed our drink orders.
“Oh. Um. Not really.”
She makes a face. “Sorry. I wish I could help, but there aren’t any openings at my place, either.”
“There aren’t any openings anywhere, it seems. I’ve applied to dozens of places. Marketing internships and retail and waitressing jobs.”
“You’ll find something. Don’t worry.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I sort of have – as Hunter’s sex toy. I wonder how she would react. The server delivers our drinks, a raspberry iced tea for me and iced coffee for Becca. I sip my drink and think, eh, what the hell.
“Would you ever sleep with a man for money?” I ask Becca, holding my breath for her answer. It’s a crazy question, and she definitely wasn’t expecting it.
She blinks. “Ew. Hell no.”
“Right. It’s totally gross. And wrong. And a million other things.”
Becca reconsiders, looking thoughtful. “I mean, I might. If he’s hot.” She giggles. “Does that make me bad?”
I grin. “I don’t know.”
She shrugs. “Whatever. If he was hot and I enjoyed it, then sure, pay me. Who am I to say no? I’ve done more for less. I’ve had really bad sex in the past. For free!”
We both burst out laughing.
“I wouldn’t tell anyone, though,” she adds. “I don’t need anybody’s judgment.”
“I would never judge you,” I tell her.
“Thank you. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do in this capitalist hellscape.” She sips her drink. “Although I don’t know why I’m talking about it as if I’m doing it.”
“’Cause I put the idea in your head,” I say.
“Yeah, you naughty girl. Now you got me thinking about it. I might add it to my masturbation fantasy rotation.”
I cover my mouth with my hand to hold in my laughter. Becca grins. “The starring roles played by me and Jamie West,” she says.
“He’s super cute,” I agree.
“I love seeing him in his hockey uniform. They have another home game this coming week. We’re going, right?”
I nod. “For sure.”
She beams at me. “I love having a new partner to go to hockey games with. Even though she’s keeping secrets from me.”
“What?” I nearly drop my fork. “No, I’m not.” A wave of heat goes through me. Does she know something? There’s no way.
“Well, you disappeared with Hunter at the club the other night. He dragged you away like a caveman. I kept waiting for you to say something about it, but you still haven’t.” She raises her eyebrows, giving me a pointed look.
I stab at the tomatoes and cucumbers in my salad, feeling called out. And guilty. “We made out in the men’s restroom,” I mumble.
“What?!” Becca shrieks.
“Oh my god, be quiet,” I say, looking around. Luckily, none of the other restaurant patrons seem to be paying attention.
“You made out in the men’s bathroom?” Becca whispers fiercely.
I nod.
“In one of the stalls?”
I nod again.
“Wow.” Becca sits back in her chair, fanning her face. “That’s hot.”
“You can’t tell anybody,” I beg her.
“Of course not, silly. I would never. Cross my heart and hope to die.” She stirs her iced coffee with her straw. “But what I’m wondering is, why you want to keep this thing a secret.”
“I mean, I’m not really. I just don’t know what this thing even is.
” Is it a situationship? I guess so. What do you call something that has you getting paid to have sex with someone you would totally be with for free?
Christ, if Becca knew about the arrangement I have with Hunter, she would freak.
Would she still want to be my friend? Or think I’m a slut and stay away from me?
“Have you slept with him?” she asks.
My first instinct is to say no, but I think my face gives it away. I nod.
“I knew it,” she says calmly. “And it was your first time, wasn’t it?”
I nod.
“How was it?”
“It was,” I take a deep breath and exhale, “amazing.”
Becca smiles. “Good. My first time was in the back of a car, and I didn’t have an orgasm. It was over in, like, five minutes.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.” She laughs. “Don’t feel bad for me though. I plan on having better sex in the very near future. Lots of it.” She taps her perfectly manicured nails on the table. “I have an idea for the game this week.”
“What kind of idea?”
“You should wear Hunter’s jersey.”
My eyes widen. “That’s reserved for girlfriends.”
“Not really. And who cares anyway?”
“But shouldn’t he be the one to give me his jersey and ask me to wear it?”
Becca shrugs. “Nah. People wear his jersey all the time. It’s not like there’s some rule against it. Everyone will just think you’re another fan. But when he sees you in it, he’ll wanna fuck you again.”
Heat creeps up my neck, spreading to my face. “Oh my god, Becca.”
“What? I know you were a virgin not too long ago, but you can’t blush at the word fuck anymore.”
I cover my mouth as a laugh tumbles out. “You’re the worst.”
She tosses her hair, looking completely unapologetic. “You love me.” Taking a big bite of her turkey sandwich, she adds, “Anyway, I’ll buy you Number 25’s jersey tomorrow. And you’re gonna wear it. Don’t even think of chickening out.”
I sit back in my seat, feeling that same thrilling combination of fear and excitement that’s been featuring so prominently in my life lately. But she’s right. I will wear it.