CHAPTER EIGHT
Lennox
My hand trembled as I punched in the code for the front door of the house. I entered the dark space, but didn’t flick on any lights. Instead, I just tossed the pizza boxes onto the round kitchen table, then collapsed onto the couch. Only, unlike this afternoon, I didn’t pull a pillow over my face.
I called my therapist.
Harvey Douglas answered on the second ring. “Lennox, you okay?”
“No.”
“Where are you?”
“Home. On the couch.”
“Where’s Mabel?”
Draping my wrist over my eyes, I took a deep breath and let it out. “She’s over … we were invited to have pizza and play games with a family here on the island. She wanted to stay; I had to leave.”
“Okay. Why did you have to leave?”
“Because …” I sighed. “Because one of the women there, a single mom, has two kids at the school I’m at. I like her. I’m attracted to her.”
“And she doesn’t feel the same way?”
“I don’t know.”
“Lennox, you know you can call me at anytime. I’m here for you. We’ve been on this journey together for thirteen years. I know all your trauma, all your secrets. But you’re going to have to help me out here. What happened with the woman?”
“Naomi. Her name is Naomi.”
“Okay, what happened with Naomi?”
“She’s …” I growled. “She’s thirty-seven.”
Harvey paused, and for a second, I wasn’t sure he was still on the line. “And that’s a problem?” he finally asked.
I exploded up into a sitting position, then stood and started pacing in my dark living room. “Of course it is. That’s eleven years older than me.”
“Yes. But you’re both adults. Has anything happened between you and Naomi?”
Shoving my fingers into my hair, I tugged until a sharp pain resonated in my scalp. It grounded me.
Then I remembered that article I read about grounding, and how the electromagnetic field of the earth running through our body could be calming.
So I tore off my shoes and socks and went outside, stepping into the grass and wandering down to the stump Mabel had covered in birdseed.
There wasn’t much seed left, just bird shit.
I let the cool earth and the long grass against the tops of my toes calm my senses, ground me to the earth, and steady my heartbeat.
“Lennox?” Harvey asked. “You still there?”
“Yes.”
“Has anything happened between you and Naomi?”
“No. Well, sort of … No. Not really. We were playing a game, and I had to be her puppet master kind of. The charade was milking a cow, so I had to move her hands and arms. Then I made her sort of sit on my lap like people sit on milking stools.”
“And you got an erection?”
“No!”
“I was just asking. I’m just trying to understand why you’re upset.”
“I liked her in my lap. I liked touching her. I liked holding her. She smelled good. She’s beautiful, funny, kind.
We spent a lot of time together today. First, we bumped into each other at yoga, then the beach, then she showed me around her family’s winery, and then when we ran into each other at the pizza place, she invited us back for games. ”
“She sounds like a very nice person.”
“She is. But she’s thirty-seven.”
“And that’s too old?”
“Yes … No. I don’t know.” With a sigh that made my toes dig deeper into the grass, I tilted my head up toward the heavens and tried to focus on the dark sky and the faint hint of dim stars. “Am I fucked up for life?”
“Well, I don’t think you’re fucked up to begin with. But what makes you ask that?”
“Am I destined to only be attracted to older women because of what … she did to me? Is that my kink now? Is that my type? I like ’em old?”
“Have you found yourself attracted to older women before?”
“I haven’t really found myself attracted to anybody else before.”
“But you’ve had intercourse with other women?”
“Two. And they were my age.”
“Okay, what made you decide to have sex with them?”
I sighed again. “You know all of this, Harv.”
“Humor me,” he said deadpanned.
“Fine. They offered.”
“Right. Were you not attracted to them?”
“They were hot. Pretty, I guess. I mean, I was out with Kai. We went bowling, he invited a girl he was interested in, she brought a friend. We went back to one of the girls’ apartments and it just seemed like that was what she was expecting.”
“That was the first woman?”
“Yeah.”
“And the second?”
“Group project in college. Only two of us showed up at the library to work on it. We stayed until it closed. It still wasn’t done, she said we could go back to her house to finish it. So we did, then we had sex.”
“So neither of those instances, you were actually attracted to the women?”
“Not really, I guess.”
“And you didn’t pursue them?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“So, this is why it’s fucked up. This is why I’m fucked up.
The first woman I’m interested in … who I can’t stop thinking about …
who I thought about the other night when I jerked it in the shower, is fucking older than me.
And not by like two or three years. It’s eleven years, Harvey. There’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Lennox. Did you know her age immediately when you met?”
“No.”
“When did you find out her age?”
“Tonight. Like twenty minutes ago.”
“But you’ve been attracted to her, thinking about her, having sexual thoughts about her for a while now?”
I ran my hand down my face. “About a week, I guess.”
“So you started liking her because of her personality, not because of her age. Does she look thirty-seven?”
“No. I thought she might be thirty, thirty-two max. She also wears braided pigtails and overalls like some farmer woman.”
“Does she work on a farm?”
“She runs the winery and vineyard with her cousins. But she said she’s the handy person around there. Always fixing things.”
“Okay, so she’s not dressing herself that way ironically or to appear younger.”
“No. She doesn’t strike me as the type either. I think she dresses like that for comfort and practicality. Honestly, it suits her.”
“What kind of a person does she strike you as?”
At this point, I had found a bird-shit-free spot on the grass and reclined onto my back, the phone to my ear. The ground wasn’t damp with dew yet, and being able to stare up at the stars and the shadowed treetops from this angle was calming.
“What kind of a person does Naomi strike you as, Lennox?” Harvey repeated.
“A good person. An honest person.” Except for maybe why she had that wolfsbane behind the barn. But then again, she didn’t actually lie to me about what it was or why they had it. “She seems like a good mom. Smart. Patient. Kind. Funny.”
“And you got all of that from her before she told you her age.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
“Seems to me, Lennox, that Naomi’s age has nothing to do with why you’re attracted to her. It’s just something you’re using to sabotage what could be a really great relationship—if you’re ready. Do you think you’re ready for a relationship?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t planning to find someone when we came here. That wasn’t on my radar. Wasn’t on my to-do list. I just wanted to get as far away from Florida as possible. Start fresh with Mabel. You know she made parole?”
“I did, yes. I was at the hearing. I spoke on your behalf. As did Dawn and Irv. To be honest, I was expecting a call from you in the next day or so. I wasn’t anticipating it being over another woman though. This is progress.”
I barked out a mirthless laugh. “I’m twenty-six-years-old, Harvey. I have a thirteen-year-old daughter with my rapist stepmother. And I’m incapable of finding women my own age attractive. How is that progress?”
“You didn’t know she was thirty-seven, Lennox.
You’re not incapable of anything. We can’t control who we are attracted to.
Who we fantasize about. And as long as that person is of consenting and appropriate age—which I deem Naomi to be—it seems to me that this ‘Naomi’ has ticked off a bunch of boxes personality-wise, and her age is just a … just a sixth toe.”
“Huh?”
“It’s something that shouldn’t impede your liking her, but it does make her a little different. However, it has no bearing on what kind of person she is.”
The barred owl from earlier in the week hooted loudly. It was probably close by in the trees above, waiting for me to go inside so it could start hunting for its dinner. “Where are you now?” Harvey asked.
“Outside, lying on the lawn.”
It was impossible not to hear the smile in his voice. “That’s good.”
“Even if the age thing wasn’t an issue, I made such a fool of myself at the house in front of Naomi, her kids, her family … they all probably think I’m a freak.”
“People are more forgiving that we give them credit for. You’re a bright young man.
I think you could come up with something honest, humbling, and humorous to excuse or explain your behavior.
And if she feels even remotely similar for you the way you do for her, then I bet she’ll forgive you even quicker. ”
I exhaled and pinched my eyes shut, then bent my knees so my feet rested firmly on the grass. “Is this noose always going to be around my neck, Harvey?”
“What noose?”
“The ‘Kyla noose’? Does the woman need to die for Mabel and me to finally, truly be free of her?”
“She’s only a noose if you let her be one.
You’re free to take it off and throw it away anytime you want.
You’re an adult now, Lennox. A father. An educated man.
You’re extremely successful, despite the terrible hand you were dealt earlier in life and the obstacles you’ve had to overcome.
If anybody can remove a noose like Kyla from around their neck, I’d say it’s you.
You are the definition of perseverance and overcoming the odds. ”
That anvil that had been on my chest since Naomi’s didn’t feel quite so heavy.
“Mabel is watching you. She’s watching how you react to situations.
How you deal with stress. Show her that the world is already a stressful enough place, that you don’t need to add the fear of Kyla into the mix.
She can’t hurt you guys anymore. Even if she is out on parole, she can’t leave the state.
“I’m not telling you that you need to pursue anything with Naomi.
That’s entirely up to you—and her. But what I am telling you is that you’re not screwed up.
You don’t have a thing or a kink for older women.
I think you simply find her appearance and personality appealing, and she just so happens to be a little older than you. ”
I rubbed my knuckles into my eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry for calling so late, Harv.”
“You know as well as I do, kid, I’m here for you twenty-four-seven. Never apologize for calling when you need help. You’ll keep me in the loop though, huh? Let me know how things on the island are going?”
“Of course.”
“Give Mabel my best. Has she cured the avian flu yet?”
That made me snort. “Don’t give her any ideas. Could you imagine? She’d bring every sick, coughing, and diseased bird into my house. We did rescue an injured osprey today. Naomi’s niece has a knack for healing wild animals. That was the other reason we went over there.”
“This family sounds pretty special. You think they’ve got room for two more?”
“Let’s work on me not having panic attacks around them first, huh?”
“You’re joking about it. That’s a good sign.”
Chuckling, and actually smiling, I sat up and wiggled my toes out in front of me. “Thank you again, Harvey.”
“Have a good night, Lennox.”
We hung up, and I set my phone down on my lap.
The owl hooted again in the trees.
“All right, all right,” I said, standing up. “You can have the yard now. Sorry for delaying your dinner.”
I was just rounding the side of the house toward the porch when headlights pierced the darkness and nearly blinded me.
I hopped up onto the porch, hands in my pockets, and waited for the vehicle to stop. I recognized the truck as one that had been parked at the vineyard. This was Danica, Tommaso, and Sam dropping off Mabel.
The truck stopped, and two doors opened. Only one shut. Mabel came around the grill. “We won. Even with you not there. We won.”
I smiled at her as she walked past me into the house. “Well done. You said thank you?”
“For both of us, since I don’t know if you did.”
I didn’t.
Shit.
Tom, with his hands also in his pockets, approached me, his gaze on the ground a little, until Mabel closed the door behind her. It was tough to read his eyes in the dark, but the expression on his chiseled face was one I knew well: pity.
“Panic attack?” he asked.
I swallowed. “How could you tell?”
“Because I have them.” He glanced toward the truck. “Sam has them.”
“They … they don’t happen often.”
“Only when triggered?”
Nodding, I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”
“And something at the house triggered you.”
“I guess.”
“You should know,” he started, his thick accent calm and melodious.
“Nobody there judges you. Nobody thinks you are a weirdo or a freak. If you don’t want to talk about what triggered you, that is okay.
Not our business. But this family … they are a safe space.
These women have been through a lot and judge nobody.
If there is ever a place to have a panic attack, you did it in the safest house on the island.
” The smile he offered me was one of reassurance and acceptance.
He wasn’t talking to me to pry, or lessen what I went through.
He just wanted me to know that he understood, and things wouldn’t be weird between me and the women of the vineyard if I chose to return or see them again.
All I could do was nod and stare at the ground.
“You have a very special, very bright daughter.” He chuckled. “Quirky. But we like quirky. If she would like to be around animals, she is welcome to come to my farm.”
I glanced up at him. “Do you have any birds? She’s a bird girl.”
“I have ducks and chickens.”
“Might be too common for her. But I’ll mention it.”
“Sam has the osprey in the truck. Mabel is welcome to come visit it whenever she likes. She has mine and Danica’s numbers in her phone now.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded, then turned to make his way toward the driver’s side door again but paused right in front of the headlight. “How old are you, my friend?”
“Not old enough,” I replied with a heavy sigh.
His gaze drifted toward the house, and understanding flickered across his face before he bobbed his head, gave me a wave, and opened his door. “Ciao.”
“Thank you again.”
I stood on the porch as they backed out, then returned inside once the taillights disappeared. Mabel was standing over the sink, eating a piece of pizza. I grabbed one of my slices and joined her.
“Panic attack?” she asked nonchalantly.
“Yep.”
“Over Kyla?”
“Nope.”
She glanced at me sideways. “I think that’s what Harvey would call ‘progress.’”