Briar
When I wake up, something feels different. Something feels off.
Before I even open my eyes, I know what it is: Blake is gone.
I peel open my eyes and let my sleepy vision adjust, taking in the empty space next to me in bed.
I hold my breath, hoping to hear the sound of his steady breathing from the floor, where he should be sleeping on the air mattress. But there’s nothing.
I even sit up and peer over the edge of the bed to make sure. That familiar sinking feeling hits me square in the gut when I see that Blake’s air mattress is empty.
He left.
I check my phone, hoping for a text from him, but there’s nothing.
I sit up in bed, staring ahead at nothing as my sleepy brain processes the fact that Blake ditched me yet again. And just like last time, he did it abruptly without an explanation.
That heavy, tight, gnawing feeling zooms through me once more. Getting rejected by Blake two times in a row feels like a sucker punch to my soul.
For a second, I wonder if our middle-of-the-night cuddle session was a dream. If the Blake that held me and comforted me after that nightmare was something that I made up all in my head.
But I know the answer.
Of course it was him. I know it was him.
I just don’t want to acknowledge the ugly truth: there’s something about me that’s turning him off—that’s making him want to avoid me.
That familiar mix of hurt, frustration, and confusion swirls through me. I kick off the bedsheets and stomp to the bathroom. I’m sick of this. Why won’t he just talk to me?
Giving him space didn’t work. Maybe I need to be direct.
So I grab my phone and ask him point-blank.
Hey. What is going on with you? Why are you avoiding me?
But just like before, he leaves me on read. He never answers.
* * *
I pull out my laptop and continue working on my senior capstone project for my Spanish course.
I’m in the middle of my shift at the library, and there are only a handful of students here this late in the evening.
I was hoping work would be busier to distract me from thinking about Blake, but no such luck.
He’s the only thing on my mind.
All I can think about is the way he jolted awake when I had that awful nightmare. The way he ran to my side and rested his hand on my cheek to calm me down.
The soft, soothing way he spoke to me to calm me down.
The way he didn’t hesitate to crawl next to me in bed and hold me until I fell asleep.
I’m still frustrated with him for avoiding me…but I can’t help the way I ache for him.
Because he’s still my best friend. I’m still wildly attracted to him. And I still want him. So, so bad.
But I can’t have him…and there’s a very, very strong chance that he doesn’t want me anymore.
I try to ignore the ugly feeling that slashes through my chest just thinking about that and refocus on my senior project, which is about the benefits of bilingualism in children. I work on that for the next hour of my shift.
Then I check my email and see a message from one of my advisers.
Briar,
Thank you for the update on the progress of your capstone project. I must say, I’m quite impressed with the work you’ve put into it so far. Your written report is excellent. And your Spanish-speaking skills are some of the best of all the students I’m working with at Hollis.
Do you have plans for Spring Break in March?
Every year, I travel to Pinaculo International School in Mexico City to teach an intensive language course to the students who attend the academy.
It’s a two-week-long course, and I always recruit three of my Hollis U students to come with me to develop lesson plans and projects.
I also let each of the Hollis students teach a day-long course to the academy students.
Would you be interested? If so, please reply to this email, and I will send you the application to fill out.
I will say, this is a very competitive internship.
Dozens of Hollis students apply, and I can only accept three.
Many of the students who have assisted me on this project have also gone on to work at Pinaculo International School as translators, interpreters, and tutors after graduating.
If you’re interested in pursuing that type of work post-graduation, I’d encourage you to apply for this internship.
It’s an excellent stepping stone if you see yourself working in this field.
Sincerely,
Professor Marcia Martinez
When I finish reading the email, I’m bubbling with excitement. This is such an incredible opportunity. If I got this internship, I’d be able to travel to Mexico City, something I’ve been dying to do since I was a kid.
And if I did well enough and Professor Martinez liked my work, I could turn this into a job after graduation.
I reply to her email, thanking her for thinking of me and asking for an application.
I tell myself not to get my hopes up. It’s clear from her email that getting this internship is a long shot.
But I can’t help but think about how amazing it would be. Especially since I can’t study abroad. This would be the next best thing.
“Briar. Hey.”
I look up and see Poppy and Anna standing in front of the reference desk.
“Hey, you two.” I smile, happy to see them. “What are you doing here?”
“We both had study sessions that wrapped up downstairs, so we thought we’d come say hi,” Anna says.
“How’s work going?” Poppy asks.
“It’s pretty quiet, which is nice because I’ve gotten a lot of homework done.”
“Do you wanna meet us at the diner for a late dinner after your shift?” Anna asks.
“Sure, that sounds nice.”
“Yay for a girls dinner.” She chuckles. “We’re just so used to you hanging out with Blake all the time.”
“Oh. Yeah. I actually haven’t seen him much.” I hate how sad I sound. I clear my throat. I try to smile, but my face feels tight.
An hour later, I’m sharing nachos with Anna and Poppy in a corner booth at the Mile High Diner.
I listen as the two of them vent about their classes.
“Everything okay?” Poppy asks me. “You’ve been pretty quiet lately.”
“Yeah, everything’s good. I’ve just been focused on classes.”
I catch Poppy and Anna studying me, a concerned look on their faces.
“You sure? You seem a little down,” Poppy says in a gentle tone.
“Is it because you haven’t seen Blake much?” Anna asks.
I think about telling them that everything is good, that Blake and I are just fine, but I feel bad lying to them. They’re being so kind to me.
I let out a breath. “Yeah, I guess I am feeling kind of down.”
“What happened?” Anna asks.
My shoulders slump. “Something happened with Blake and me.” I hesitate for a second. “We hooked up.”
They both gasp and start to smile, but I shake my head.
“Don’t get too excited. Things are weird now between us.”
“Wait, why?” Anna asks. “I thought hooking up with Blake was what you wanted.”
“It was…” I go quiet as I glance around to make sure that no one around us will overhear me.
“Wait, was it bad, or something?” Anna asks, concern laced in her tone.
“No, it was…amazing. Really hot,” I swallow, my nerves kicking up. “Blake is insanely good with his hands.”
“Oh, good. For a second there, I thought you were going to say he didn’t bother to give you the big O or something terrible,” Anna says. Poppy elbows her gently and gives her a scolding look.
Anna frowns at her best friend. “What? I’m just looking out for Briar.”
Poppy sighs. “I know, but it feels a little invasive.”
I smile softly. “It’s okay. It means a lot how much you guys care. Truly.”
As much as it sucks going through this weirdness with Blake, I’m thankful for Anna and Poppy’s friendship. Especially after how I lost all my friends in Chicago.
I think about hooking up with Blake. My cheeks heat at the memory of how fast and how hard I came.
“Blake made me come. It was so good.” I clear my throat.
“He seemed into it too. But then it got weird, and I can’t figure out why.
We were going to go for round two, but then it was like he got cold feet or something. ”
“Wait, what do you mean? He just stopped for no reason?” Poppy asks.
“Kind of. I mean, we were talking about things that turn us on to get us in the mood. I asked him if he liked to watch porn, and he said yes. I asked him to show me what he liked, and we watched it together.”
Anna and Poppy’s eyes go wide at the same time. “Damn, you two are kinky,” Anna teases.
“Watching it together was fun. And hot. We fooled around after that, and then he asked me what kind of stuff I liked to watch to turn myself on, and I mentioned That Shirtless Guy.”
My face burns with embarrassment thinking about that moment all over again.
“When I showed Blake the account, his mood changed all of a sudden. He turned cold and made something up about feeling sick, then he left. I texted him the next day to check on him, but he blew me off. I know he’s avoiding me. I just don’t know why. He won’t talk to me.”
I leave out the part where he cuddled me last night when I had a nightmare about my ex. I don’t want to tell them…it could change the way they think about me, and I like how things are between us now.
Anna and Poppy are quiet for a long moment.
“That’s so weird Blake acted like that,” Poppy says.
Tears prick my eyes the more I think about it…the more I think about how he left me and how he’s treating me now.
“Maybe he regrets being with me. Maybe he didn’t like it.” I swallow through the tightness in my throat. My heart sinks. “Maybe he regrets trying to be more than friends, and he doesn’t know how to break it to me…”
I trail off when my voice starts to shake. I press my eyes shut to hold in my tears. I finally said out loud what I’ve been too scared to say this whole time, and I feel awful.
Anna slides out from her side of the booth and comes to sit next to me.
“If that’s the case, then he’s a jerk,” she says, hugging her arm around me.
“It’s the only thing I can think of. It’s the only thing that makes sense,” I say.
We’re all quiet again. Anna hugs me tighter. Poppy gives me a pitying look.
A minute later, Anna sits up and grabs my arm. “You know what? If Blake is going to be like this, forget him.”
I look at her.
“You tried reaching out to him. You tried talking to him. He’s the one icing you out. He’s the one giving you the cold shoulder,” Anna says. “So maybe you shouldn’t wait around for him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look, I know you like Blake. And I know it sucks that he’s treating you like this, but he’s not the only guy in the world. He’s not the only guy at Hollis U, even. There are plenty of guys on campus who would love to hook up with you,” Anna says.
“I’m not ready to be with another guy,” I say.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to,” she says. “But I think you should do something to take your mind off of Blake.”
Poppy nods. “That’s a good idea.”
“The three of us should go out this weekend and get a little wild,” Anna says with a teasing smile. “Go out dancing, have some drinks.”
“A girls’ night out,” Poppy says. Anna nods, smiling.
“You really think that’ll help?” I ask.
“It’ll be a distraction, that’s for sure,” Anna says. She gives my arm a soft squeeze. “Better than moping around the house, waiting for him to talk to you.”
I let out a breath. She’s right. I don’t want to be some pathetic, sad-sack counting the days until Blake feels like talking to me again.
And even if he does reach out, I don’t know if I want to talk to him anymore. Not after the way he’s treated me.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe going out for a night is exactly what I need to take my mind off things.
My phone buzzes with a text. When I see it’s Blake, a hopeful feeling sprouts through me.
I almost glance at my phone screen, but I resist the urge.
How pathetic would I look if I answered him right away?
It would be so obvious that I’ve been staring at my phone nonstop for the past few days, waiting for him to acknowledge me.
Irritation zooms through me. I’m sick of this.
I darken my phone screen without reading Blake’s message and look up at Poppy and Anna.
I nod once, determined to get myself out of this funk. “I’m in. Let’s have a girls’ night.”