Chapter 44
Forty-Four
ISABEL
I return home the next evening. Kieran wanted to come along, but I didn’t want his back to hurt from sleeping on the couch.
We spoke briefly about the possibility of him renting one of Rocío’s parents’ many condominium units, if and only if he decides to move here permanently.
There are so many things up in the air, so many things changing and happening so fast that I can barely keep up.
I freeze in the doorway when I see who’s sitting at the dining table with Mama.
The dark hair, the crisp tailored suit as if he came straight from the office.
Alvaro Aranaz, again. He glances over his shoulder.
Upon the sight of me, he presses his lips together in a thin line of acknowledgement.
I kick my shoes off, eyeing him warily. The air around him pulsates; he’s too big of a personality to fit into our little home.
It’s almost laughable how quickly I got over the delusion that we could have ever been a family.
He sticks out like a sore thumb; better that the abandonment happened before I could remember it.
“Why’s he here?” I ask Mama, ignoring Alvaro.
“Anak—” I scoff at Mama’s obvious and desperate attempt to placate me.
Alvaro stands, pulls on the lapel of his blazer to straighten it. “I was just leaving.”
I don’t say anything as he approaches me while heading for the door.
He falters by my side, seeming to consider saying or doing something, but when I step away, he gives me a thin-lipped smile.
He steps out of the townhouse, and immediately, I can breathe again.
Talk about a man who sucks all the air out of the room.
“Isabel,” Mama chastises. She looks equally exhausted and exasperated. I dump my bag aside and move to sit on the couch.
Being back here, I can’t stop the tears from falling.
It’s all too much. I thought I’d learned how to have a handle on things.
I’ve done CBT, DBT, all sorts of therapy.
The meds work—I know they do. Even still, I’m overwhelmed by it all.
It was bad enough dealing with Natalia, but to know she’s my sister? It’s too much. It’s all too much.
Mama sweeps me into her arms. She kisses the top of my head and lets me cry. She sniffles, whispering apologies into my hair.
I let it all out. My despair, my confusion, my heartbreak, my disappointment. Even my guilt. I know why I went there. I know what was in my heart, and there was no hiding it. Not from me, not from God.
I’m so ashamed. So deeply ashamed. I can’t find it in me to pray, to face God and ask for forgiveness, for light to lead me down the right path. I feel distant from Him, from myself. Is this my karma? Is this what I deserve? If hell is the absence of God, then I’m in hell. Absolutely, I’m in hell.
There’s a little voice in my head that tells me it’s moments like these that we’re called on to cling harder to God, to surrender to His plan.
I have no idea what’s in store for me, what’s right around the bend, but what other choice do I have?
I can’t do this on my own, with my own faulty human faculties, my worldly pride and ego.
I swipe at my nose and pull back from Mama. “Luz is pulling out of the investment.”
“I knew that,” Mama says, swiping her thumbs under my cheeks. “I don’t want to work with someone who mistreated you anyway.”
“Why was he here?” I ask again.
Mama touches my cheek. She brushes my hair away from my face, some clinging to my tear-stained skin.
“Natalia told her mom what happened,” Mama says.
“So? I thought she knew.”
“She did,” Mama relents. “But Leticia made Alvaro swear to keep their children out of it. She agreed to let him support you financially, so long as their kids never learn of your existence, or at least your relation to them. I thought Alvaro had handled it for this summer. He said he’d take care of it.
I guess he just didn’t tell her you’d be there.
And I guess, once again, he didn’t consult her before springing the news on Natalia.
” She sighs. “When you came home crying, I wanted him to fix it. I’d forgotten just what kind of man he was.
He does what he wants. He doesn’t care about the people around him.
I didn’t want to hurt Natalia back. Or Leticia.
I will forever carry the guilt of getting involved with Alvaro.
Of the harm I caused their family. But it gave me you. And I could never regret you.”
“That doesn’t explain why he was here,” I say. “What, Leticia put him in the doghouse so now he wants you back?”
Mama chuckles. She swipes at her eyes and shakes her head.
“Leticia cares too much about image to put him permanently in the doghouse. But he took things too far this time. Functionally, they’re separating.
Leticia is moving to New York with Natalia.
The boys are staying behind to work with their father, but who knows, really? ”
“So, what? He came here just to tell you that?”
“He wanted to know how you were doing.”
I snort. “He loses one daughter, so he tries to reclaim the other.”
Mama throws her hands up. “I don’t know what to tell you, Isabel. It’s your choice. I can’t force you to have a relationship with him. But he does want one—”
“Now,” I interject. “He wants one now. Only after so many other things have happened.”
“He’s always wanted to be there for you,” Mama says. “I sent him all your report cards, invitations to your recitals, pictures.”
I snort. “If he framed them at home, I didn’t see them.”
“It’s a mess. I know. It’s my fault. I brought you into this. I’m sorry, anak.”
I slump my shoulders and lean back against the couch. “I don’t think it’s right for you to still be in contact with him, especially now that he’s separated.”
Mama sighs. “Whether we like it or not, we’re tied for life, Isabel. We share you between us.”
I shake my head. “I’m not his, Mama. He gave up the right to me a long time ago.”
My words hang in the air between us. It almost rings, like a gong signaling the end of something, or the beginning.
Mama stands. “Are you hungry? Let me make you something.”
I follow her into the kitchen. For the time being, we are at peace.