Chapter 54
Tristan
Less than two weeks later, I have my own apartment, a nice place in the Castro.
The renovated one-bedroom, one-bath apartment is in an old building that has been updated with the latest appliances and amenities, while preserving the original hardwood floors and elegant crown molding.
On a cool, misty December day, the crew from Station Twenty-Seven joins me for a moving day.
Dad and Bobbie cook us all a big breakfast, and then we load up my rented U-Haul with all of my boxes and my small amount of furniture.
Mila volunteers to drive the U-Haul, saying it can’t be harder to drive than a fire truck.
“I think I love you” is my answer.
She rolls her eyes.
“I don’t think it’s me that you love,” she quips, hopping into the U-Haul and winking at me, before giving a significant nod over my shoulder.
I follow her gaze to where Nick is standing in front of Dad and Bobbie’s front door with them, chatting easily. Nick seems to make a joke, and Dad and Bobbie both laugh heartily.
Nick glances my way, meets my gaze, and his smile softens into something more intimate.
We share a nod. It says nothing at all, and a lot at the same time.
I’m making the right choice, getting my own place, and I am making that choice for myself. It’s hard for me to do things like that, but it’s right, and I could only do it because of Nick’s support in helping me find my own strength to act.
I go over to Dad and Bobbie and hug them both.
It’s not like I’m moving far away—we’ve already been through the “moving to a different part of the state” gig, and this isn’t that—but it will be different, not living with them.
Though it’s definitely the right choice, it feels bittersweet.
A part of me will miss living with them.
“Don’t go too wild without me,” I say, managing some humor.
“No promises,” Bobbie says with a smile.
“You know us,” Dad says.
Since he forgot Warren died, Dad hasn’t had any memory slips as bad as that one. But since that one, I know that he and Bobbie have had some more serious conversations with Yuritza about his health and what’s next.
I know they’ll figure it out. And if, or when, they ask for help, I’ll be here.
Mila and Captain Hyun take the U-Haul, and I drive my car, with Nick in the passenger seat and Vinnie and Charlie in the back.
“I need some advice,” Vinnie says when we pull out onto the road.
I glance at him in the rearview mirror. “Yeah? What’s up?”
“It’s relationship stuff,” Vinnie says, shifting in his seat. “John Michael and me.”
Nick and I exchange a glance. Neither of us has talked with Vinnie much about John Michael since the two of them debuted their relationship at Captain Hyun’s birthday party.
I’ve been curious about the trajectory of Vinnie’s journey into his queerness, but I haven’t wanted to pry or ask about things that aren’t my business.
“You’ve come to the right car,” Nick says amiably. “Two gay guys here ready to advise.”
“I’m just unsure, you know?” Vinnie says. “This is all so new to me, dating a guy, and I’m not sure what I want out of it. John Michael is great, but he’s pretty young—sorry, Tristan.”
“I don’t care,” I say. “He is young. Twenty-five is young.”
“You’re twenty-eight,” Charlie says.
“And there’s a world of difference between twenty-five and twenty-eight,” I insist. “My Saturn has returned. His has not.”
“Maybe that’s it,” Vinnie says. “I mean, the sex is great, but I know that’s not all a relationship is.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?” Charlie jokes. “Since when do you say you want more than sex in a relationship?”
“Since I knew there was more,” Vinnie says quietly. “Okay, this might be TMI—”
“No such thing!” Nick says.
“Good. Well, when I was dating women, the sex was always good, but I felt that I was missing something, or like the relationship was missing something. I think I was sexually attracted to them, but not emotionally or relationally attracted to them. Is that a thing?”
Nick nods. “Of course. Sexuality and attraction exist on a whole continuum.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “You might be sexually attracted to people of more than one gender, but romantically attracted only to people who are male. Or maybe more broadly to ‘masculinity.’”
“That’s a thing?” Vinnie asks.
“Mmhmm,” Nick says.
“Interesting,” Vinnie says.
“Huh,” Charlie says. “Yeah. I never heard of that.”
“So, what’s the problem with John Michael?” Nick asks. “Beyond him being a child bride, of course.”
“Not a child bride,” Vinnie says with a groan. “He’s just ten years younger than me.”
“Just!” Charlie says.
I hear a scuffle behind me, like Vinnie shoved Charlie.
“I think I sense the potential for romantic attraction,” Vinnie says. “Like, I feel like I could be attracted to Vinnie romantically, but I’m not.”
“Ah, I see,” Nick says.
“That’s hard,” I say.
“Are you dating?” Charlie asks. “Like, officially.”
“We haven’t defined it,” Vinnie says. “We’re just having fun and taking it slow.”
“Nothing wrong with that,” Nick says, smiling at me.
“That’s right,” I say. “And you can absolutely have a sexual relationship without having a romantic relationship. I’d say that might even be more common in the queer community than in the cis-het world.”
“Oh, definitely,” Nick says.
“You have to ask yourself what you want,” I say. “Do you want a romantic relationship? Or do you want sex? Or both? There’s no wrong answer, and as long as you and John Michael are on the same page, you’re good.”
“I think,” Vinnie says, and then trails off for a moment. “I think I want a romantic relationship, but I think I’m realizing I might not want that with John Michael. And I think he wants a romantic relationship with me.”
“Then, that sounds like something you need to talk about,” Nick says.
“It’s okay if you want different things, as long as you have clear communication about them.
And if you decide it isn’t healthy to continue a sexual relationship when one of you has more romantic feelings for the other, then that’s something you can decide together. ”
“Just trust him enough to be honest,” I say. “You won’t regret it.”
“Can I ask something personal?” Charlie interjects.
“I think we’ve established that this is a safe space,” I say somewhat wryly.
“What about you guys?” Charlie asks hesitantly.
“Me and Nick?” I say, at the same time that Nick says, “Us?”
“Yeah,” Charlie says. “I mean, how did you know that you wanted to date?”
Nick and I exchange another look.
“Are we dating?” Nick asks with a small chuckle.
“Oh, dear,” Vinnie says.
“Should we jump out of the car?” Charlie stage-whispers to Vinnie.
“Let them have this conversation by themselves?” Vinnie says.
“No one is jumping out of the car,” Nick says, fully laughing now.
“Yeah, please don’t do that,” I add. “We’re all off-duty, and this is not an ambulance. We are not equipped to save your lives.”
“Don’t worry,” Nick says. “We’re mostly joking. We’ve talked about this before—Tristan and me, I mean.”
“We don’t feel the need to label what we are right now,” I say. “Though, according to the San Francisco Fire Department, we are dating.”
“Because bureaucracy is homophobic,” Nick says, “and doesn’t include an option for ‘friends with benefits who also deeply care about each other.’”
“So, you’d say you’re just friends?” Charlie asks hesitantly.
“Not just friends,” I say, “like friends is somehow worth less than a romantic relationship. I mean, we have a sexual relationship—obviously—and we really care about each other, but I’ll be honest, the commitment and the label of a dating relationship isn’t something I’m ready for yet.
I haven’t told you guys this yet, but I was engaged before I moved here to San Francisco. ”
“Really?” Vinnie says.
“Yep. He died a little over a year ago, and I moved here for a fresh start.”
“Tristan, I’m so sorry,” Charlie says.
“Yeah, fuck,” Vinnie says. “I had no idea.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t want to tell everyone about it when I first got here, because it was still hard to talk about. Is still hard to talk about. I’m still healing from it, and Nick has been patient enough to walk through that healing with me.”
“Damn,” Vinnie says. “You guys really have something special.”
It warms my heart to hear Vinnie, normally so goofy and anti-emotional, say something so sincere.
“I agree,” I say, and reach across the console to take Nick’s hand. I squeeze once, and he squeezes back.
When I stop at a red light, he meets my gaze, and I see something in his eyes—like he’s saying something I’m not ready to hear yet, so he’s not saying it out loud.
But I know what he’s saying.
And I hope that, someday, I’ll be ready to hear it.