Chapter 7
SEVEN
It's harder to climb the library stairs in a ballgown than in one of my day dresses, but I feel accomplished by the time I arrive at the top.
I head towards our normal table, my heart skipping a beat when I see Linc already there.
He's taken off his cravat and run a hand through his hair, making it stick up all over the place.
He hears me coming and jumps to his feet, smiling. "You found me all right, then?"
I laugh. "This is where we always meet," I point out. "Unless you're trying to tell me we're not supposed to be here."
"Only in that our fathers will be disappointed we're not at the ball still. And maybe any suitors."
"Mine or yours?"
"Both, I imagine," he responds.
I shrug, sitting down and trying to make myself comfortable, but as beautiful as my ball gown is, it isn't designed for lounging. "What does it matter? I'll be married off to whichever of them my father wants me to marry anyway, it doesn't matter if I'm there.”
"Maybe if you charm the right person, they'll ask?"
"Why? Do you get a say in who your father marries you off to?" I ask.
"Point taken. If anything, I have less of a choice than you do."
"I find that unlikely."
"You're not being held responsible for your sister eloping with a bodyguard," he mutters.
I raise an eyebrow. "She had a bodyguard?"
"Everyone in my family does," he responds.
"Even you?"
He nods. "Eric. He's good at being unobtrusive and knows when to give me my space."
"Has he been watching when we meet here?" I ask.
"Not really, he's been a lot more relaxed since you arrived at the castle. And he mostly keeps his distance," Linc responds. "Part of his job is to make sure I don't do anything stupid."
"Like drink yourself into an early grave?"
Linc grimaces. "Something like that. But maybe I have a reason to stop."
"Is it that easy to?"
"No. I've thought about drinking wine a dozen times tonight already." He leans back in his seat.
Without meaning to, I shift in my seat, trying to get comfortable. "Why haven't you?"
"Why don't we sit somewhere different?" Linc asks.
I raise an eyebrow.
"I'm not trying to avoid the conversation," he says hastily.
"You can if you want. I'm not going to force you to talk about it," I say. I want to hear his answer, but not enough that I want him to be uncomfortable while giving it. I know it can't be an easy thing for him to talk about.
"I know. But you're clearly uncomfortable. If I'm going to regale you with my problems, then the least I can do is make sure you're not in a bad chair." The smile he gives me seems genuine, and I have no reason to think that Linc might be lying.
"It's normally fine," I murmur.
"You're not normally wearing a ball gown." He gets up and holds out his hand.
I slip mine into it and let him help me up. "That's a fair point. It's a beautiful dress, but it isn't exactly meant for sitting."
He chuckles. "It does look a bit uncomfortable."
"It's fine when I'm standing up."
"Even with..." He waves vaguely at my waist.
"You mean the stays?" I ask, guessing it's what he's getting at.
"They're pretty comfortable, actually. They're made to fit me, so they're mostly just supportive.
It's all the fabric in the skirt that makes sitting more of an issue.
" I move some of it with my free hand, enjoying the fact that my other is still in Linc's.
"Ah. I won't pretend to understand fashion."
"I don't think you need to," I assure him.
He leads me away from our table and around a corner. I've seen him disappear this way when he goes to fetch things before, but have never explored down here myself.
He pauses by a stoic-looking man.
"Are you hungry?" Linc asks me.
I'm about to say no, when I realise that isn't true. "A little bit."
He nods. "Would you ask one of the servants to bring us some food, Eric? We'll be in my normal room."
I look at the man, wondering what he thinks of the situation.
Linc pulls me away before the bodyguard responds.
He pushes open a door and gestures for me to make my way inside.
Torches burn low in the sconces, almost as if they're about to go out, but I don't think that's going to happen.
There's a load of cushions on the floor that look haphazardly scattered, as well as a low table currently covered in books, and an armchair that looks as if I could fall asleep in it.
If I wasn't wearing a ball gown. Given my current attire, I'm much more likely to end up on the floor if I try to sit in the chair.
"What is this place?" I ask.
"Oh, this is the room I normally use when I come to the library," Linc says. "I like to have lots of different options for when I'm reading. I thought the cushions might be better for your dress."
"Thank you, that's very thoughtful. And I'm honoured you're showing me this place."
"How do you know I don't just show anyone it?"
I raise an eyebrow. "Because this is the first time you've even mentioned it and we've been spending time here almost every day since I arrived."
"Good point."
I take a seat on the cushions, leaning back against a particularly comfortable-looking one.
There's a knock on the door and Linc heads over to open it, coming back with a tray that's even bigger than the ones we normally get. He puts it on the low table.
"What would you like? Tea? Wine? Blood?"
"Tea is good."
He pours me a cup and hands it over, before going back to get himself a drink. His hand hovers next to the jug of wine, but he doesn't pick it up, opting for some tea as well.
"There's some fruit and cheese if you want it," he says, gesturing to the tray as he comes to sit beside me.
"Thank you." I set my teacup to the side. "So, the wine?" I prompt, thinking that this might be a good time to bring it back up when he's just decided not to drink some.
He sighs. "I never really wanted to drink it in the first place," he admits.
"But after I first arrived at court and saw the Feast, I couldn't help it.
If I drink enough of it, the sharp edges of the world fade away a bit and I don't have to think about it as much.
" He leans his head back against the wall, a pained expression on his face.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too. I don't want to be this person."
"Is that why you didn't have any wine tonight?"
"No." He looks at me, an earnest expression on his face. "I didn't drink anything tonight because I realised that I'd have good memories of tonight, not bad ones. But even so, it's hard." His gaze strays over to the wine jug.
My heart aches for him. I know the things he's trying to run from, the images that have already haunted some of my dreams. Maybe if I hadn't had someone as thoughtful as he is helping me adjust to life as a vampire, I'd have turned to wine myself.
Feeling bold, I reach out and put my hand over his, wishing I'd taken off my gloves first.
"I don't want to drink the wine, Beatrice," he whispers. "But I also really want to drink the wine."
"How can I help?"
He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. "I don't know. Maybe by telling me I can't drink it."
"I can't do that. Only you can decide if you're going to drink it or not."
"I'm worried about what it's going to mean for the rest of my life," he admits. "If I choose not to drink the wine today, then I have to choose not to drink it tomorrow. There are a lot of tomorrows in forever."
I rub my thumb over the back of his hand, wishing neither of us was wearing gloves so I could offer him more comfort. "There are." And I can understand how that's a daunting thing for him.
"I'm not going to drink it," he whispers. "It's time for me to stop trying to dull my life."
I nod. "How can I help?"
"Just...do what you're doing. Being able to meet with you and talk about history has been helpful. And it's been much easier to choose to drink tea over wine when I'm with company."
I let out a soft chuckle. "Then I'll be your study partner for as long as I possibly can. Though now I've seen this room, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to go back to sitting at the table."
"That almost sounds like you want to be alone with me, Beatrice."
"We're already alone," I point out. "And are we really any more in public when we're sat at a table no one else ever visits?" I ask.
"Fair point. But for what it's worth, I don't mind that you're in my private space."
A warm feeling fills me in response to his words. "I'm glad you shared it with me."
From his expression, I think he knows I'm not just talking about the room. It can't have been easy for him to share the rest of it with me either.
A yawn overtakes me, and I cover my mouth with my free hand.
"Am I boring you?" he jokes.
"Definitely not. I had a nightmare last night," I admit. "I've had a few since I got here. You were right about that."
He raises an eyebrow. "Something else I said the day we met?"
I nod.
"Seems like I was quite talkative."
"Probably a little too much. I was worried about how my father would respond if he found out any of the things we talked about. But you didn't tell me your name, so that made me feel better."
"I probably just forgot to give it to you," he admits. "The wine."
"Mmm. And the Feast. I should thank you, though. You might have been drunk and oversharing, but you took my mind off what was happening inside."
"I just wish I could remember what you told me," he says.
"Not much. I was still processing."
"Do you want to talk about it now?" he asks.
I sigh and wrap my arms around my legs, thinking about the answer to that. My dress poofs up around me as a result and I have to shift how I'm sitting. I'm not sure if I want to talk about it, or if I'm ready to, but the alternative is letting it eat away at me.
"I was mostly in shock," I say. "Finding out that vampires are real, and that I am one, and that suddenly, the man I thought of as Da was never actually my father, and instead there's this vampire lord who barely looks older than me claiming he's my real father.
Though I can't actually deny that, my brother looks just like him, and then there's this. " I wave to myself.
"Your appearance, or your vampirism?"
"Both, I guess. I mean, Bash and I are twins, so we do look alike, even if we're not identical for obvious reasons. And I'm a vampire now, which means I always was a dhampir, right?"
"Something like that," he agrees. "I'm not really sure how it works."
"And then there was my brother. You think you know someone, and then you see them sink their teeth into an innocent person's neck and kill them." My voice cracks and a tear runs down my cheek.
Linc moves instantly, pulling me into his arms. I lean my head against his shoulder, appreciating the comfort he offers.
"I'm sorry," I murmur.
"You've got nothing to be sorry for," he promises, reaching up and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "It's a lot to deal with."
"It's all everyone here is dealing with," I counter.
"True. But no one else is here right now. It's just us."
"And I've just totally hijacked your emotional moment."
"I suggested it," Linc points out.
I sigh. "It's just a lot to deal with. I don't know how to be around my brother, he's acting like a completely different person since we got here."
"Is he a different person, or is he just freer to act like he wants to?"
I want to protest, but I think back to how it was before. Bastian's distaste for the way we lived, his refusal to do anything that might help our life like fixing the leak in the roof, and his recklessness of spending all of our savings and signing us up to the Golden Moon without even telling me.
"I don't know," I whisper. "How can I not know my brother?"
"Does he know you?"
I frown. "I don't know that either." And it's a horrible realisation to have. "Weirdly, I've found more compassion from the cousin I could have sworn hated me."
Linc chuckles. "I'm not surprised. Vampire families are complicated. My step-mother hates me."
"You have a step-mother?"
"Oh, yes. My brother's mother."
I raise an eyebrow, putting the pieces together. "That makes him a full vampire. Those are rare."
"Ah, you're learning," he jokes. "But yes, my brother is a full vampire.
My step-mother tolerates me at best. She hated my sister, a little less since she's away from court now.
But she can't say anything because my father kept my mother as his mistress for so long.
Which isn't normal when it comes to vampires.
Most lords with children from the same mother are like your father, and it's because they had twins. "
"Is that common?"
"Twins? Reasonably so. But I think it's partly because it's easier to bring two children to the Golden Moon together."
I nod along, processing everything he's saying. It sounds complicated and makes me glad that Lady Fallmartin isn't around to make things even more tense. Though there is the Queen who could do that, she's from House Rothorne and presumably could clash with Lord Fallmartin.
But that's a problem I'll deal with if it ever actually comes up.
"Being here isn't all bad, though," I say. "I like not having to cook every day, and having a safe place for Pip to sleep. She loves being on a really soft bed."
Linc chuckles. "I bet she does, but I bet she was spoilt before too."
"As much as I could," I admit. "Would...would you like to come on a walk with us sometime? It doesn't have to be outside the castle, but I'd like it if we could."
"I'd like that too," Linc says, smiling at me in a way that makes me feel like I just asked him the best thing in the world.
There's an intensity in the room that I don't think I've felt before, and I lean in at the same time as he does.
My lips brush against his in a tender kiss that feels like it means far more than either of us could put into words. Maybe it's just because we've both bared our emotions to one another. I break away, looking into his eyes and seeing all kinds of things there.
But not a hint of uncertainty.
I give him a soft smile, caught up in the moment, and completely forgetting about the tea that's probably completely cold by now.