15. Caelia
It has beena few days since I last heard from Cosima. There has also been radio silence from Mattia for a week, but I try not to dwell on it. He mentioned going away on business but didn’t specify that I shouldn’t try to reach him. I try not to spend too much time thinking about how I came on his fingers for two weeks before he left, every single night, and how he went to sleep after, never trying to take things further.
“Hello?” I sense a hint of unease in her voice.
“Hey, sis! What’s going on?” I inquire.
“Well ... ” Cosima’s voice trails off, a heavy silence stretching between us.
“Cosima, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“I just found out I’m pregnant. Again,” she confesses, her tone laced with panic. It’s a startling revelation since Cosima loves her children more than anything and has always been devoted to them.
A lump forms in my throat as I search for the right words.
“You don’t sound happy.”
“Because I’m not,” she says, panicking. “I don’t ... I don’t want this baby, Caelia.” She sniffs like she’s been crying for a while before calling me.
“All right.” I take a deep breath, composing myself. “How can I help?”
After I miscarried, Cosima was the one who bought me contraceptives with no one knowing, and I hid them away from Mattia. Now, he doesn’t seem to care much about what I do with his money, so I don’t need her to sneak them for me. I’m still hiding them, but I’m unsure how he’d react if he knew I was stealing from him.
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “I needed to talk to someone, and I knew you’d understand. I’m not sure if it’s the right time to have another baby. I have two, and I struggle to keep up with them.”
“Did you tell Fabio about it?”
I know he wants a large family.
“God, no! He’ll want me to keep it. And I’m not sure if I can handle it.”
Silence hangs between us, filled with emotion. I’m not living her life, and she’s not living mine, but we understand each other. My heart aches for her pain. Cosima and I have always been close, and I can’t bear to see her suffer, but the helplessness of our situation binds us.
“I’m scared,” she whispers, so vulnerable that my heart breaks.
“It’s okay to be scared, sis. But you don’t have to do this alone. We’ll get through this together. Whatever you decide, I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll figure this out, okay? Let’s have lunch tomorrow.”
I have no idea what I will say to her, but I will not leave her alone. Whatever she wants to do, I’ll be there for her.
“See you tomorrow.”
My heart feels heavy as I end the call. She’s braver than I am. She had already brought two children into this fucked-up world.
In the past week, I have been trapped in limbo, unable to process my feelings fully. I wish I could move on and stop thinking about Mattia, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve spent my time trying to distract myself by doing some illustrations, but I lost myself in thoughts and realized too late that, at some point, I”d started drawing his face. I don’t want to, but I feel a twinge of anticipation at the thought that he might be back soon and worry that he might not. I struggle to find my way through the tangled mess of our relationship, and the only thing I know for sure is that I’m all alone in the process. I have no idea what’s going on inside Mattia’s mind, and I have a hard time dealing with the conflicting emotions that come with his absence. It doesn’t get any better when he’s here, either.
I take a shower, trying to quiet my mind. His eyes have haunted me recently. Dressed in a black satin nightdress and robe, I study my reflection in the mirror. Red hair cascades freely around my shoulders, not because I hide bruises but simply because I want it that way. It feels unfamiliar. I go downstairs to grab a glass of juice when I hear movement from the corridor where his office is. I’m not prepared to enter the room again. The last time I did, he almost choked me to death because I dared to interrupt one of his meetings. Mattia will always be a wolf, even if things have been different lately.
My plan has changed, and I must summon the courage to knock on the door, my heart pounding.
“Come in.”
The room is dimly lit, with the only source of light emanating from a tall lamp in the corner. Mattia sits behind his desk, his head cradled in his hands. I’m unsure if he heard me enter, but I close the door and approach his desk, leaning against the edge a few inches away.
“Mattia?” I whisper his name cautiously, unsure if he’s angry or if something else has happened. “What’s wrong?”
Tonight, there is no blood on his hands. A gun rests on the opposite side of the desk, closer to his reach than mine. I close my eyes, attempting to calm myself. He won’t kill me tonight. Not now.
“Nothing,” he replies, his voice heavy as he takes a deep breath, not looking at me.
“You know you can talk to me, right? I know things haven’t been great between us, but you can trust me. I’m here for you.”
At this moment, it might not even be a lie. At least, not entirely. While I may later use any information he shares against him, I want to help him feel less alone. It’s a feeling I can’t shake despite my best efforts. Taking a step closer, I remove his hands from his face, forcing him to look at me. Acting impulsively, I sit on his lap. He raises an eyebrow and leans back slightly, allowing me to settle against his chest. The belt of my robe loosens, and the satin nightdress lifts on my thighs.
“I trust no one.”
His statement resonates with me. That makes two of us. I can’t blame him. He rests a palm on my thigh. The sudden warmth on my skin gives me goosebumps. We have never been this close outside of the bedroom since he made me come every night. I shouldn’t do this.
“I’ve missed you.” He smirks, revealing the dimples on his cheeks.
My stupid heart misses a beat. I fail to see the point of this lie.
“I’ve missed you too.”
It’s a lie.
It’s a lie.
It’s a lie.
It has to be. But is it entirely a lie? I have given myself freely to him so far to prove a point. To show him everything he has been missing in this marriage, but it’s not a one-way street. He’s showing me how it could have been too—everything we could have shared if he weren’t such a monster. It messes with my head. I place an arm around his shoulders, leaning against his chest. The sleeves of his black shirt are rolled up, exposing his forearms. A loosened black tie hangs around his neck, his black hair is tousled, and his eyes—a captivating blend of light and dark—draw me in. They are a deep, smoky shade tonight, like the sky on a cloudy day. A storm is brewing on the horizon. I wish I didn’t find them so mysterious and captivating. I noticed something that morning when I kissed him without overthinking it. When the light hits them, they sparkle with a hint of silver and blue, like a swirling nebula. His eyes hide a world of secrets, a gateway to a place I’ll never be allowed in. He makes me feel vulnerable, never safe in his arms.
If I were to stand up and leave, I’d unlikely find the courage to be this close to him again soon. Hesitating, I lean in and brush my lips against his. Mattia’s hand finds its place on the back of my neck, tangling in my hair and pulling me closer, while his other hand firmly grips my thigh, his touch sending shivers down my spine. It’s overwhelming, unlike anything before. It doesn’t make me as sick as it’s supposed to. Tonight, it’s merely about being there for him and providing what he needs, even though it’s based on a lie. I want to get his mind off whatever is bothering him. Beyond my unyielding hatred toward him, there’s desire, need, and lust. And it’s not for my husband. I crave the man he showed me recently—who he could be.
Shifting in his lap, I straddle his thighs; the nightdress is inching higher until it barely covers anything. In a heartbeat, he seizes both of my wrists, holding them behind my back and breaking our kiss.
“What were you thinking, Wildfire, coming in here with no underwear?”
I wish I knew. He did nothing to me against my will recently. Hope blooms inside me. I need to poison it before it grows into something bigger.
“I thought you might need me,” I admit, biting my lower lip as he pulls me closer, his gaze fixed between my legs. I didn’t think this through.
“Go have dinner. Read a book. Do whatever you want, but stay away from me tonight,” he commands, his tone tinged with desire.
I shake my head. A glint of surprise brings his eyes alive.
“No?” The corners of his mouth curve in a malicious smile. “Go away,” he repeats. “Because I need to own you so badly, I’ll break you apart tonight. And that’s not what I want. If you still want this tomorrow, I’ll give it to you. But not tonight.”
“You broke me before,” I remind him, a smile playing on my lips as I press them against his neck.
I bite his skin, feeling his dick twitch between my legs. I never welcomed him into my body willingly. I loathed every second. But something snapped in my brain tonight. I want him to overpower me, to lose control as he thrusts deep inside me. I need his hate. My tongue soothes the tender spot I’ve just bitten, and Mattia groans.
“That was different.”
“It’s different now, too,” I assure him. “What if I want you to?—”
“You want me to do what?” He arches an eyebrow, provoking me.
“What if I want you to ... fuck me?”
His gaze pierces through me, like he’s trying to reach my soul. That’s a part of me that will always be unreachable for him. But my body isn’t. It never was. I’m just choosing to give myself freely to him tonight.
“Say it.” His voice is rough. Demanding.
“I’ve just said it.”
“You’ve asked me a question, Wildfire. If you want to ride my cock, you’ll have to say it. If you want me to fuck you so hard and deep you won’t be able to breathe, walk, or think, you need to ask for it.”
He slips one hand between my legs, his knuckles grazing my clit, while his other hand releases my wrist from its bind.
“Don’t,” he commands when I close my eyes, forcing me to look at him. “What do you want, Caelia?”
He wants me to beg. Every instinct advises me against it. I don’t have to humiliate myself by giving him something he wants. I meet his unwavering gaze, watching as his eyes darken with danger. He unties my robe, pushing it down my shoulders. The straps of my dress follow suit, his fingertips tracing the contours of my skin as they descend. I’m a trembling mess. Mattia leans closer, placing kisses along my collarbone, sucking and licking my skin. He touches my clit with his thumb; the touch is light like a breeze. It’s not nearly enough.
“How will it be?” He finally breaks the silence, tilting his head to meet my gaze.
I will never be able to untangle myself from the mess I got into.