37. Caelia
I never reach Atlanta.I stop in North Carolina. I’m too paranoid to stop at a hotel and rest. I have to keep going. So, I took another bus heading to Kentucky. I bought a book from the station, but my mind is too consumed to focus. I repeatedly reread the same paragraph, wondering if Mattia is still alive. And if he is, has he begun hunting me yet? Will I ever see him again? I consider the possibility of completely losing my mind when I wonder if I can ever come up with an excuse good enough for what I did. However, deep down, I know Mattia already understands why I did what I did. He was never delusional, and I warned him. I lied to him. I lied to myself.
I gaze out the window as the bus carries me farther away from him, mile by mile. I shouldn’t feel this discouraged. So damn exhausted and mournful. I must buy a burner and call Cosima, but it is too soon. I’ll have to wait a little longer. Since I left, all I have done is stare at my reflection.
Tears are glistening on my cheeks, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m recalling the years of abuse I’ve suffered at his hands or because my feelings have shifted. I’ve been too trusting and na?ve, believing things would eventually improve between us. Instead, Mattia has only grown more vicious and abusive with each passing day. He trapped me in an endless cycle of pain and suffering with no way out. Until he freed me from it. My heart aches as I reflect on all the opportunities I have missed because of him. I could not pursue my dreams, and my life has become a never-ending nightmare. I don’t even remember what I used to love before him.
I have no one else to lie to or to listen to my poisonous lies anymore, so I’m forced to face the truth again. I’m scared and alone. I have no family or close friends to turn to, and I’m afraid I will never be able to escape Mattia’s grasp. I’m free and on the run, but I feel trapped again. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I wish I could turn back time.
I should feel in control of my life. For the first time, I have a chance to decide my future. That is, until Mattia catches up with me. And if he’s alive, I do not doubt that he will, eventually. It is not a matter of if, but when.