81. Caelia
I have to return.
I can’t go back.
But I have to.
I had breakfast in bed, and now I’m watching a rom-com on Netflix. It’s not heartbreaking or dramatic, yet tears stream down my face for no apparent reason. Sometimes, the things we desire can bring us the most misery, but we often have to learn that the hard way. A knock on my door reverberates as if someone is about to break it down, their patience wearing thin. With a grunt, I get out of bed and go to the door, only to come face-to-face with the last person I expected to see.
“Kat?” I frown, stepping aside to let her in. “What are you doing here?”
She’s Kaz’s stepsister, but the resemblance is striking. She has dark hair, gray-blue eyes that can freeze one’s soul, and an air of nonchalance. My chest tightens.
“I like the vibe,” she remarks, pausing in the living room to look around. Her gaze eventually settles on me and takes in my disheveled appearance.
I’m wearing black leggings and a T-shirt I stole from Kaz before I left. It serves as a reminder of him as if I need any more reminders. I slept in it every night, hating that I’d had to wash it numerous times, erasing his scent from the fabric. My hair is messy, and my eyes are puffy from crying, but I can’t summon the energy to pull myself together.
“Thanks,” I reply, unsure. “Can I get you something to drink?”
I decide to be polite, although my brain can’t make sense of her presence in my flat.
“Bring a bottle of whatever alcohol you have,” she smirks. “We’re going to need it.”
“I only have wine.”
“That will do.”
I’m sure she’ll make herself comfortable even without me telling her. I grab the bottle of red wine and two glasses from the kitchen, not looking forward to whatever she has to say. I highly doubt this visit is Kaz’s way of asking me to return. He’s more inclined toward kidnapping.
“At least you’re as miserable as he is,” she smiles, waiting for me to pour wine into her glass.
“What?”
I’ve been gone for a couple of months, lying to myself and saying that Kaz has already found someone else.
“Look, I shouldn’t be here. Kaz will kill me if he ever finds out, but someone needs to knock some sense into you two.”
I’m too exhausted to pretend I don’t know what she’s saying.
“I’ll never see your brother again, so you don’t have to worry that I’ll tell him.”
This is the most painful truth I have ever had to say out loud.
“The hell you won’t,” she scoffs.
“How did you find out where I am?”
Kat removes her leather jacket and settles on the couch. This is an intervention, and she’s the only person who might care enough to do it.
“Kaz seemed off every time I talked to him, but he brushed it off, saying it was all business and I had nothing to worry about. But whenever I asked to speak with you, you were never around. That made me wonder,” she explains. “Vanya has been more cryptic than usual, and he knows how much I hate it when he’s like this.”
I can understand why Vanya’s attitude might annoy her. I’ve been there.
“You know I’m under the protection of the Aleksandrov family in New York,” she sighs. “So, I asked their older son for a favor, and trust me, God knows what this will cost me in the long run.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through all this trouble.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. Whatever Roman wants, I’m sure I can handle it. Anyway, I had to ask him to spy on my brother.” She laughs, and I join in.
She’s right. Kaz will be furious if he ever finds out about this. Shifting my legs underneath me, I take a sip of wine.
“You can imagine my reaction when he told me you’re not in Russia with Kaz. I had to call in another favor and ask him to find you. It took him a while to track you down. It would have been so much easier if I had your number.”
I never imagined she would go looking for me. Although we’ve spent some time together, we don’t know each other that well. Kaz is an integral part of her life, and she’s doing this for him, but it’s still hard to accept.
“I’ll save you the trouble and just give you my number.”
“You’d better. I’m here because I need to know what’s happening, Caelia. Did you leave my brother? What the hell happened?”
Vanya already knows about my agreement with Kaz. Revealing it to one more person won’t hurt anyone, and I’ve felt so alone in recent months. Kat’s unexpected presence here is a blessing in disguise.
“It’s a long and complicated story, Kat.”
“You’re stuck with me for the next few days since I’ve never been to Paris, and you’ll have to show me around. So, you’d better tell me everything.”
Kat already knows some bits and pieces from what I’ve shared about my marriage with Mattia, but I start at the beginning and tell her everything—about the confusion, the chaos, the heartbreak, the abuse, and the rape. I disclose my agreement with Kaz, and as I speak, I realize my feelings will never disappear, no matter how hard I try to keep them in check. It takes hours to cover it all, accompanied by another bottle of wine. Kat listens attentively, holding me in her arms as I cry and unravel. I keep only one thing to myself—I say nothing about that morning when Kaz lost control. I don’t want her to view her brother differently because of that.
“Fuck, Caelia. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“You couldn’t have known,” I assure her, sniffing. I take the last tissue from the box and blow my nose.
“First, my brother is a dickhead. He kept all this Mattia business a secret from me, and I understand why he did it, but he doesn’t always make the right decisions.”
Kat retrieves her purse from the floor and pulls out another pack of tissues.
“Thank you. I know why he couldn’t tell me the truth back then.”
“But he didn’t hold anything back after you agreed to return with him.” I raise an eyebrow. “Fine, agreed might not be the right word in this situation.” She laughs, revealing dimples.
“No, he didn’t,” I admit. “He gave me everything.”
“And you love him,” she states.
I nod, unable to articulate any words. Love is another wrong word. It doesn’t contain everything I feel for him.
“I’ve been contemplating going back,” I confess, “but I doubt he’ll want to see me. He must have moved on by now.”
”Trust me, I know my brother. He’ll never get over you. So, this is just an excuse you’re using to stay here and be miserable.”
Kat is as straightforward as her brother, and I can’t resent her for not holding anything back.
“This is my life now,” I mutter.
“It doesn’t have to be. Not if you want something else.”
I don’t exactly know when this stopped being what I wanted, but it’s time to face the truth. This is not the life I want, and I’ve overrated freedom.
“Being married to him won’t put you back in a cage.”
“I’ll have to apply for a visa.”
“No, you won’t.” She smirks. “We’ll call Vanya. He’ll help you get back.”
I burst into laughter. If I apply for one, I have a better chance of obtaining a visa and returning.
“He won’t.” I shake my head. “Vanya hates me.”
“He hates everyone. Let me handle him. We’ll have some fun, and then you’re returning to fix your marriage.”
“What if?—”
“No ‘what ifs,’” Kat interrupts me. “My brother adores you. Stop being two miserable fools.”
He may never forgive me for leaving, but I have to try. I need to prove I’m not the heartless person I allowed him to believe I am.
If giving him up is the price I must pay to have everything I thought I wanted, maybe I never had my priorities straight.