84. Caelia
Kat mademe see things clearly. This is where I need to be and where I want to be. I won’t run again. I’ve made it this far. I had to plead with his security to let me in, and they only allowed it after thoroughly patting me down to ensure I wasn’t there to harm their boss, even though Vanya dropped me off. Kaz doesn’t reply. I close the door behind me, waiting anxiously. I found him in the same bedroom we once shared. Despite the many rooms in this house, he still sleeps there. He stands still for a moment, deliberately taking his time to turn around. I nervously bite my lower lip, anticipating his rejection. He looks at me as if he’s seen a ghost. The black suit he wears only makes his usually pale skin appear even paler. I don’t know how long I have before he realizes I have no valid reason to be here and asks me to leave. It’s probably not much time at all.
“I’m ... Kaz, I—” This is just as difficult as I imagined. He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. My heart races in my chest. I can’t find the right words, but I must push through. “I have no lies left to give you, so I’m here to tell you my truth. I understand if you hate me and don’t want to hear any of this, but I must say it. I can’t move on until I do.”
I take a hesitant step closer but force myself to stop, fighting the urge to throw myself into his arms. I can’t decipher any emotion on his face. He keeps everything locked away, unwilling to be vulnerable around me again.
“I can’t give you a rational explanation for why I left. You’re the most dangerous man I know, not because of who you are but because of the power you’ve always held over me. I fell in love with you while you were still pretending to be Mattia, and all I did was fight against it. It made no sense. I’ve made countless mistakes, and I don’t think you’ll ever be able to forgive me. You are the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. You didn’t love me in pieces; you loved me as a whole.” I take a deep breath, holding his gaze, which ignites a fire. “And it scared the hell out of me. I fucked up everything,” my voice breaks. “I thought we would end up like my parents, so I ran. I believed I could never be free and married to you simultaneously. I thought ... I don’t even know what I thought, Kaz.” I feel the need to sit down before my knees give out. He has never looked at me with such coldness in his eyes. “I destroyed us, and sometimes, when things break, they can’t be fixed. I understand this. We can never go back to the way things were, but I love you. I left my heart with you when I left. It’s the only thing I promised you would never possess.” Tears stain my cheeks, and my hands tremble. “I love you. It’s not the freedom I want. It’s you.”
He stares at me in silence, his eyes unblinking, his jaw tense.
“Get on your knees, zhizn moya,” he says, his voice deadly serious.
If this were any other man, I would tell him to go fuck himself. But he’s not just any man. If Kaz needs this to know that I mean every word, then I’ll do it. I fall to my knees, never breaking eye contact. I think I detect a glimmer of something in his eyes, but I can’t quite discern what it is. It’s not hope or forgiveness. I can’t tell.
“Now crawl.”
I comply willingly. Placing my palms on the floor, I arch my back and crawl toward him. I’ll give him whatever he wants and whatever he needs. The moonlight streams through the window, casting a soft glow on Kaz’s face. I pause, my heart pounding in my chest. I hurt him. I shattered his heart, and now I’m here, confessing my love. A million conflicting emotions surge within me, but I can’t discern his feelings. He stands before me, cold and distant, waiting for me to beg forgiveness. My words didn’t convey how sorry I am, how much I love him, or how desperately I want to turn back time and stay. I should have stayed the first time. I attempt to speak again, but all that emerges is a soft, inaudible whisper.
“Turn around.”
I do as he asks. Kaz steps forward, his hand wrapping around my neck. The touch sends sparks through every nerve in my body. He straightens me, my head resting between his legs. He massages my neck, reminding me of my fragility in his arms. I want to take away all the pain, but I know I can’t. I want to make things right, but I’ve already caused too much damage. Is it too late?
“You broke me when you left, zhizn moya,” he says, his voice filled with pain and longing.
I tilt my head back, feeling the edge of his wedding band pressing into my skin. He never took it off. I look up at him as he cups my chin, his thumb tracing my lower lip.
“I’ll do anything,” I whimper.
He might hate me, but some part of him still wants me, and I can only hope he’s not strong enough to fight it. I feel his dick twitching as I graze the tip of my tongue over his thumb.
“What for, solnyshko?” I bring my thighs together, trying to focus. “Is it my forgiveness you want? My cock? My life? You think you can waltz in here and have whatever you want?”
I know him, despite the lies I tried to convince myself of. He wouldn’t touch me if he didn’t want me here. He would have asked me to leave by now. His men would have forcibly removed me. The fact that my belongings are still scattered around the bedroom fills me with hope.
“I want everything—all of you,” I confess.
“Do you, now?” He smirks. I nod, determined to have him. “And are you willing to do anything for that?” I nod again without hesitation.
If only he would tell me what he wants, I’d do it. I am prepared to atone for my sins, however he sees fit.