86. Caelia
My heart threatensto burst as I wait for his response. The words slipped out, although I don’t remember even thinking of them. Kaz straightens his back, sitting up, and I wrap my legs around his waist, securing my hold on him. I cross an arm around his neck, clinging to his arm with the other. He cups my breast, his mouth descending on it as I slowly roll my hips on top of him. He doesn’t ravage me as I imagined he might. Instead, he takes his time, showing me what I’ve missed and lost. Tilting his head back, he gazes up at me. His gray eyes have softened, and his embrace around me is tighter. I don’t think I’ll survive this night. Kaz doesn’t answer me. Instead, he kisses me again, tender and passionate, giving me everything I don’t deserve. He presses his forehead against my collarbone, guiding my movements with one hand. Fire consumes me from within. There’s too much pain and uncertainty, but I don’t deserve an immediate answer. We remain locked in this embrace until tears threaten to spill from my eyes again.
He lies me on my back, never slipping out, as he looms over me. I cup his face, fighting the urge to look away. I can’t hide anything from him.
“Repeat it,” he growls, biting my shoulder.
“What is it you want to hear again?”
“All of it.”
Oh, God. It was nearly impossible to summon all those words for the first time.
“Я тебя люблю,” I offer tentatively.
“Are you telling me or asking me, solnyshko? You sound unsure.”
I moan as he slides in and out of me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s too much for my body to handle.
“I love you.” I try again.
“That’s better.”
“I need you. I thought it was freedom I wanted, but I was wrong, Kaz. It’s you I want. Nothing and no one else. You’re the only one.”
His body melds with mine. He kisses me once more, his body barely moving. I want to keep him like this forever. If he decides he doesn’t want me after tonight, then making love to me is the harshest punishment he could have chosen. I bend my legs as he guides himself back inside me, his hand finding its place around my throat again. He stares directly into my eyes, his lips parted, a low moan escaping him. He breaks me and puts me back together. I lose myself in him, as I always have, losing track of time and everything else. I am a puppet in his skilled hands as he moves me, he brings me to climax, and he fills me up, whispering that I am his. We both gasp for breath, exhausted, as he collapses on top of me. I hold him in my arms, unsure if I’ll ever get another chance to.
I’m on the verge of falling asleep when I hear his voice. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
He’s not talking about me coming back. He wants to know if leaving was worth it.
“Yes and no,” I respond, his head lifting as he brushes a strand of hair away from my face. “I found everything my old self wanted. I found everything I craved while living my previous life. But you weren’t there, so it was all meaningless. Every bit.”
“Come and take a shower with me. Stay the night,” he suggests.
I should try. Regardless of how this will ultimately end, I did my best. If my efforts aren’t enough, I won’t be able to blame anyone else for my choices. I follow Kaz to the bathroom, slipping into the shower with him. I admire his body, tracing the inked patterns on his skin, committing his expression to memory as he brings me to climax once more, unable to keep his hands or mouth away. He said it’s only for the night but doesn’t feel like a farewell. He confuses me, and I don’t want to push him over the edge. I’ve caused enough damage. Before getting into bed, I steal one of his t-shirts. He turns off the light and joins me.
“Tell me about what you’ve been doing,” he requests, his hand settling on my waist and pulling me closer.
I follow his lead, snuggling closer. Resting my cheek on his chest, I close my eyes. Breathing has never been easier since I left.
“I wish I had done anything memorable, but I didn’t.” I laugh. “I’ve spent most of my days reading, drinking coffee, and traveling. I rented a lovely flat in Paris. I think you might like it.”
“Perhaps you’ll show it to me one day.”
“As a friend visiting?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he laughs.
“I would. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but it’s tearing me apart.”
“What’s tearing you apart, zhizn moya?”
“Not knowing if you hate me,” I confess. “If you’ve moved on. I need to know if tonight is goodbye for good. I have no right to ask you to love me, but I need to know.”
In the room’s silence, I listen to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Kaz hasn’t spoken for a long time.
“I’ve never stopped loving you. You sealed your fate when you confessed your love for me, Caelia, and returned to me. I let you slip away twice before. The first time was unintentional; the second time was a choice. But this time? Not even death can take you away from me.” I never wanted to be trapped by someone’s side, but that’s the thing with Kaz. He has a way of giving me everything without making me feel suffocated or caged. His love is unlike anything else in this world.
“But I can’t marry you,” he continues.
“I promise you, I’m not a flight risk anymore.”
He laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.
“I can’t marry you because I never divorced you.”
“But I signed the papers.”
“You did, but I burned them.”
“So—”
“You’ll always be my wife. My counselor. My partner.”
I can’t believe this man. He never set me free. Was he planning to be my husband all along without me even knowing?
“How angry are you at me?” I need to know the answer to this.
“I’m not,” he says, touching my head with a tender kiss. “I wanted to set the world ablaze for a while, but I’m no longer angry. It took me some time, but eventually, I understood that you needed this. You needed to leave, explore the world, and find what you wanted. I couldn’t take that away from you, even though I came dangerously close to kidnapping you a couple of times. I even made a trip to Paris. Well, once, or maybe thirty times.”
He couldn’t be more perfect than he is at this moment.
“You did?” I can’t help but smile.
“I did. You’ll have to thank Vanya for not allowing me to get too close to you. I had to settle for receiving daily reports about you.”
“You what?”
“You didn’t think I would just let you go, did you?”
I thought he no longer wanted me and no longer cared for me. He said that he never stopped loving me. I needed to figure things out on my own. I wish there was a way I could have spared us both the heartbreak, but there wasn’t. If I had stayed, I would have always wondered about the life I could have had if I had chosen differently. Now, I understand that it was his love that set me free.
“I love you so much, Kaz.”
“It only gets better every time I hear it.”
“Then I’ll keep saying it.”
“I love you, Caelia. I never stopped loving you. I think you’re wrong about one thing, though. You didn’t destroy us. We can’t return to how things used to be, but nothing needs fixing. As long as your heart belongs to me, I promise to give you the world.”
He’s the only man whose promises I trust.
“My heart belongs to you. I’m yours. I promise.”
“There’s one more thing. You mentioned being afraid of us turning into your parents. What did you mean by that?”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“My father has always cheated on my mother, and she turned into a bitter woman who despises him but is too afraid to leave. She pretends everything is fine, even though she’s dead inside.”
“I’ve been yours since the moment I met you, and no one else will ever hold the power over me that you do. And you are nothing like your mother, Caelia. You’ve always stood up to me. That’s one reason why I love you so damn much.”
“I know we’re nothing like my parents. I was searching for flimsy excuses to leave. How is Vanya?”
“I haven’t seen him in over a week. He’s busy trying to sort out his legacy,” he laughs. “I don’t think he has a single legal and profitable business right now, but he’ll figure it out.”
“Maybe we should offer to help?” I suggest.
“Yeah, we should. But maybe in two years or so.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not leaving this bed. I intend to fill you up with my cum until you can’t walk, talk, or even breathe. You’re not leaving until one of my men comes to check if I’m still alive.”
“By then, Vanya will have everything sorted.” I laugh, tilting my head to kiss him. “You know, nothing feels as good as being home. Well, maybe riding you, but only slightly.”
“It’s good to have you home.”
It’s not the place, and I hope he knows that. It’s him.