Chapter Eleven
Eleven
The first night at the lodge is a quiet one. We’re all pretty tired from the four-hour drive, and the unexpected hike in unsuitable clothing. Freddie is distracted by something on his laptop. And Sam is already hungover. So, after a short stint in the hot tub, we made our way to bed.
Priya snores all night and I end up sleeping with the pillow over my ears, desperate to get some shut eye.
I wake in the morning feeling less fresh than I’d like.
It’s as if Priya has passed her exhaustion onto me like there’s some kind of equilibrium to be had.
Instead of coffee, I decide the best way to wake up is to go for a nice run in the forest. Get my bearings.
I’ve always been a morning person. There’s nothing I love more than the satisfaction of having been for a jog down the seafront before I start work.
I slide into my running gear, peeking out of the window at the freezing fog icing the tops of the trees and add a warm, softshell jacket to layer up. Considering I plan to run alone in the forest, I decide to leave my headphones in my suitcase and take my GPS sports watch.
I head out onto the front steps with my trainers in hand and am shocked to find Freddie there, tying his laces. I freeze, blinking.
But he’s heard the door so now stares up at me too, either surprised or confused. It’s hard to be sure. His expressions mostly all blur into some form of grumpy. Even when he laughed or smiled yesterday, there was still a touch of a frown there.
“Good morning,” he croaks.
I rub my eyes with my spare hand. I must be seeing things. But no, he’s still there, staring at me. “What you doing?” I ask.
“I’m going for a jog.”
“Oh.” Fucking obviously.
I pause, wondering if I can somehow backtrack and sneak to bed, making it look like I wasn’t about to do exactly the same thing.
However, I am very clearly holding running trainers.
It would be an obvious lie if I said I was just out here for the fun of it.
What is the etiquette here? Do I leave him to run alone, or do I offer for him to join me?
And if he offers, should I say no because it’s only a polite offer anyway and not really a real one, or do I say yes because it’s rude to refuse?
The biggest issue for me is that Freddie is sublimely underdressed for this weather. Honestly, it’s indecent.
I wasn’t hot before. I was actually worried about how cold it would be. The weather app said below freezing.
But he’s in just a skintight base layer and shorts. He’s dressed kind of provocatively.
I don’t know if you’re allowed to say that.
I shouldn’t be judging him for his running gear.
It would be sexist the other way round.
I’m probably overthinking it.
As if he’s heard me and to prove he’s dressed sensibly, he pulls a thin, black beanie over his head to cover his ears.
It brings out the green in his eyes and it doesn’t help that he’s currently scanning my own outfit of skintight leggings and a snug-fitting, bright-yellow running softshell.
I have a headband to keep my ears warm and my hair has been tied up into an explosive ponytail.
Maybe I’m dressed provocatively too.
Hypocrite.
“You running?” he asks. I can’t tell if he’s surprised, impressed or annoyed.
“Is that ok?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
I shake my head. I’m so confused. It’s too early to engage my brain. “I have no idea.”
“Well, do you want to join me?”
I bite my bottom lip, his eyes following the movement before lifting again. I perch on the top step, leaving enough room between us, to casually tie my laces. “You want me to run with you?”
“I asked, didn’t I?”
“I’m probably not as fast.”
He nods at my legs. “You’re built like an antelope. I bet you’ll be leaving me in the dust.”
“Ha! I’m a slow runner. I like to enjoy the scenery.”
Freddie nods at this, finally the ghost of a smile on his lips. “I can admire the scenery.”
I nod ahead at the forest before us. “It’s beautiful here.”
Freddie doesn’t say anything, his eyes still watching me carefully, but he jumps to his feet instead, doing little heel hops to warm himself up. I try very hard to keep my eyes on his top and not the bouncing in his shorts.
I pat my legs to motivate myself, my heartrate already higher than it should be considering I’m yet to start running.
I shake out my legs, then with the adrenaline kick I need, I run right past Freddie and head down a path I’m hoping loops back at some point.
He sprints to catch up, then joins beside me.
We jog the first kilometre, which is mostly downhill on forest tracks. Freddie is barely out of breath at all, whereas I’m definitely noticing it a bit.
I didn’t lie about wanting to enjoy the scenery, but here is different. The forest encloses you in its clutches. The proximity of the trees is almost claustrophobic. Add in the ceiling of fog layering itself between the branches and it’s like existing in a kind of fairytale.
There are no people around this part of the forest. It could be because it’s before eight in the morning, or maybe Sam really did take my brief of being private and found us the most rural spot he could.
A puddle has frozen over ahead of me, so I make a point of hopping it.
“You run much?” I say, after I realise we’ve not said anything this whole time. To be honest, it didn’t feel uncomfortable being silent with Freddie. But damn, I need to disguise my puffing better.
“Most days. Then gym in the evening.”
Why isn’t he even slightly out of breath?
“Figures,” I say. And shit. “Not because you’re like… What I mean is…”
Freddie laughs, unbothered. Not even a blush. “We’ll add that to the list of things that didn’t happen if you like?” he says, and I almost sputter.
All I can do is try to shake it off.
Luckily, he rescues me from my clumsiness once again, changing the subject. “What about you? Run often?”
I nod. “Three or four times a week. I go with running club one night if I can. It’s full of older women and I’ve learnt a lot of very wise things from them these last few months.”
“Go on then, impart this wisdom on me.”
“It’s just about how to be happy really. How to live for yourself. How to be self-serving without being selfish. Finding a balance.”
“I could do with some of that. What do they advise?”
I glance at his face. I wonder if he’s worried about the same thing as me, on top of the work stuff.
“They say to find enjoyment in the smaller things. Like right now, I’m enjoying the fog immensely. I’ve never seen it like that before and the air is so fresh, you know?”
Freddie slows a touch. “Ok.”
He isn’t convinced, I can tell. “And they eat a ton of cake, so there’s that. I swear every week they design the running route around stopping at a café.”
“They eat cake mid-run?”
“Oh, yeah. But this is on the longer runs and we stop for a good break then run back. They’re happy, though. It’s like the secret, I think. Eat more cake.”
“Eat more cake,” he mutters under his breath. “I’m not sure I buy it.”
Rude. What does this guy have against cake? “No? You have a different theory?”
He’s quiet for so long, I worry I was too blunt. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, especially as there are more hurdles: a fallen branch here, a muddy section there, the occasional crumbled path.
“I think happiness is finding a way to lean on yourself. Knowing if all else fails, you’ve got your own back.”
Interesting.
There’s a steep incline now. I push forward into the hill, enjoying the burn in my thighs and calves.
My toes are so cold, they’ve gone numb, and I can see my breath in front of my face, puffing out in little clouds.
When I look at Freddie, he’s surrounded by his own aura of steam too.
His eyes catch on mine. There’s a vulnerability there that I’ve never noticed before.
He’s always so sure, so steady and confident.
I realise he’s waiting for my response. It’s like he needs my approval or feedback on his statement which, in a way, rejects his hypothesis. “That makes sense,” I manage to huff out. “I don’t know if I’m quite there yet. But I’m trying to be.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’m taking…” I sigh, barely able to get the next word out. “You know what? Let’s talk up there,” I say, nodding ahead to what looks like a clearing.
We finally reach it, both of us out of breath.
I take a seat on a carved-out log that’s been left here as a bench.
I rest my elbows on my thighs and cup my face in my palms as I look out at the forest below us.
We’re higher than the mist now so it just looks like one big, fluffy, white blanket for as far as the eye can see.
It’s freezing but it’s also damn refreshing. I look up and breathe it in.
Freddie comes to join me on the log, leaving a bit of space so we’re not touching. He smells so masculine: sweat and forest and mud. It draws me away from the clean air and I find myself wanting to move closer towards him.
“You were saying you’re not quite there yet…” he nudges me back to before.
“Oh yeah.” I nod. “I’ve decided to take the final year of my twenties back. So, I kind of hope the time with myself will do me good.”
“What do you mean? Take it back from what?”
“I gave up pretty much my whole twenties for Adam. I have one year left. And I need to make it my own. I’m doing this house party with my best friends. I’m going to do some travelling. And I need to live by myself.”
He sucks in a breath. “Sounds very mature of you.”
I sit taller. “I think so.”
“Why only a year?”
“Well, no. It’s more of a year minimum. I couldn’t think of anything worse than hopping straight into something new when I’ve only just escaped the last one…”
Freddie rubs a hand down his face. “Escaped? That’s…” He shakes his head as if correcting himself. “That sounds like a great plan. I didn’t realise that you left Adam. I thought Sam said…”
“Yes, he left me,” I confirm, fairly confident that was the question he didn’t want to ask. “But I’m grateful for it now. I would never have broken up with him myself. I was too busy trying to keep him happy in the hope that it would make me happy. So it’s still a lucky escape, I’d say.”
Which is an overshare. It’s the running. I always overshare with the club runners. I thought it was because they seemed so wise but maybe it’s the endorphins.
Freddie is frowning while I tell him this.
“Are you grumpy with me? Have I done something?” I ask.
He frowns even more. So confusing.
He shakes his head. “Why do you ask that?”
“You’re always frowning at me.”
The wrinkles in his forehead deepen further. He looks down at his hands in contemplation. “I’m definitely not grumpy with you. Why would I be grumpy?”
“I have no idea. I just don’t know how to read you. And this back and forth we have. It feels kind of…”
“Flirty?”
“What! Is it? Am I?” My eyes go round. I fist my hands, feeling vulnerable.
Freddie stares at me. “I just thought that was our thing. I didn’t…” He shakes his head. “Well, ok, I literally cannot stop frowning. And now you’ve brought it up, I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do anything else.”
Something about this makes me snort. “Try a smile.”
“How do you smile?”
“You use the muscles around your cheeks, apparently.”
“I don’t know if I have those.”
“Everyone has them. Maybe you should add smiling into your gym routine.”
He barks out a laugh. “Ten reps of grinning, building up to full blown smiling in three weeks.”
“That sounds like a Men’s Health article.”
“I’m sorry, Hattie,” he says. “I don’t want you to think I have a problem with you. I definitely don’t. If anything, it’s the opposite.”
I make a disbelieving sound.
“No, seriously. I’m grateful for how you’ve been there for Sam these past few years. It’s not been easy on any of us, and it would’ve been a smoother path for you if you had just left him to it. But you never did. You were always there when I wasn’t.”
“I don’t see it that way. And it wasn’t like you didn’t want to be there… I’m sure. I don’t really know the ins and outs of yours and Sam’s relationship. I think it’s better if I keep my nose out of it all, really.”
Freddie nods. We sit in silence for a bit, our breathing almost back to normal. I did hope this trail would turn into a loop of some kind, but it didn’t. So, I guess it’s an out and back.
I jump to my feet, clapping my hands. The cool air on my sweaty skin is sharp. I need to get going. Freddie doesn’t move for a moment. He looks like he’s assessing my expression for something but whatever it is, he doesn’t push for more conversation.
“Right, well…” He starts jogging, flying past me. “Race you back!”
I sprint after him, never one to shrug off a challenge.