Chapter Thirty-One
Thirty-One
Sam scoffs. “It’s not even worth it with you. You were meant to be here to patch things up with me. You coming on this trip was supposed to be about us. I would’ve never invited you if I thought you were going to… I don’t even want to know what you did to her.”
“Her? I’m right here.” I mumble. “I think I’m going to sit in the car,” I say, turning away.
“Uh, no,” Sam says. “You can stay. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am with you too.”
“What? You said you weren’t mad at me.”
“I knew you fancied him. You always lied about it. But I knew.”
“I valued your friendship more and besides, Freddie was never going to be interested in me,” I point out. It makes sense in my head but they’re both looking at me now like I’m an idiot, which I guess is true. I roll my eyes. “Well, not back then anyway.”
“She isn’t one of your conquests!” Sam shouts at Freddie, who just takes it. Not even trying to defend himself. “You don’t get to play with Hattie. This isn’t some game. Do you understand that?”
Freddie nods. “I’m not playing with her,” he says, his tone calm and factual.
“Bullshit.”
“I’m not, Sam.”
“Ugh. I just… I don’t trust you. I don’t trust your motives. I never have. You’re so hard to read.”
Freddie swallows, his jaw ticking. “Go on then. Say what you want to say. You’ve never just said it how it is.”
Sam puts his hands on his hips and looks down at his boots. “I don’t know how you chose Dad.”
“I didn’t want to. I never wanted to be forced into picking a side.”
“Well, you had to!” Sam yells. “You had to pick a side, and you picked wrong.”
“He needed me.”
“You needed a career, more like. You sold out.”
I try to step back towards the car; this feels like it’s taken a new direction. Maybe none of this is even about me at all.
But Freddie notices and points at me. “Stay. Please. We need a referee.”
“I don’t know…”
“Please stay,” Sam adds without even looking at me.
“Right. But no hitting anything like last time. I don’t want any bloodied knuckles.”
This makes Sam laugh but not in a good way.
He’s agitated and I’ve likely just nudged him towards a dark memory.
“Dad deserved to be lonely after the way he treated Mum. And us, for crying out loud! He was an arse for years. He treated me like shit, and you just picked him like it wasn’t even a hard decision. ”
“It was a fucking agonising decision, Sam! You don’t get it at all.” Freddie raises his voice for the first time.
“No. I don’t get it.”
“You and Mum had each other. You were ok. You didn’t need me.”
“YES, WE DID!” Sam practically screams.
“Ok… I think we should take it down a notch,” I say. “There’s a lot of snow. We don’t want to cause an avalanche or something.”
“Hattie…” Sam begins but then shakes his head. “A fucking avalanche? Whatever. Fred, you’re my older brother, and you were barely there. Mum was heartbroken that she lost you to him. I just don’t think you understand…”
“Why did you guys make me pick?” I swear Freddie’s eyes are growing damp. He swallows thickly. “Why did it have to be a choice?”
“Because we hated him. You were at uni those last few months. You didn’t see it.”
Freddie rubs his chin. He’s already told me how guilty he felt about not being around for Sam at that time. I just don’t think he’s ever told him. “No, I didn’t see it.”
“It was like you didn’t believe us.”
“He was sick.”
“He was a prick!”
“He needed someone.”
“It doesn’t matter, Fred. He didn’t deserve someone.”
Freddie throws his hands up. “Well, I did it anyway.”
“Why? Because you wanted his support and money?”
“No!” Freddie rears back, his face appalled. “I did it because when I went over to see him and tell him I was done picking up his slack, he was passed out on the floor, covered in sick.”
Sam clenches his jaw, his breathing heavy. “What?”
“It doesn’t matter what happened. But he needed someone to take care of him. He needed someone to check in on him. He’s not just the grumpy arsehole we grew up with. He’s our dad. And he needed someone.”
“Ok, fine. So, you helped him. But then you made him a whole feature in your life. You let him run your bloody career. He set you up for life.”
Something about this statement seems to rile Freddie. “I tried to bring you into it. You could’ve done that too. Dad was trying to help us both. I came round that time you punched the wall to offer it to you.”
“I didn’t want his help!”
“That’s your decision. Don’t judge me for mine. I never asked for them to fall out. I never asked for any of it. Why do you act like it was all my damn fault? I hated it as much as you did. I was heartbroken to lose you.”
“Come off it. You hated me.”
“I didn’t understand you.”
“You never tried! You hated everything I did. You hated that I wasn’t sporty. You didn’t get that I wasn’t like you.”
Freddie laughs. “You wouldn’t let me. Ok, I wasn’t always the best brother, I’ll admit.
But I had shit to deal with too. Dad wasn’t just an arse to you, you know.
I’ve been in therapy trying to get my head around some of the manipulative, fucked-up crap he put into my head.
I’m trying really hard, Sam. I’m trying so hard to be the good guy. To make the right decisions.
“I’ve been told my whole life that I need to be the winner. I need to be better than everyone else around me. I need to earn more, be more, fight more. Just always more, more, more. And I’m tired of being his hobby. I’m tired of always being the fucking bad guy. I hate it. I fucking hate it.”
“Oh yeah, good job,” Sam remarks, the sarcasm dripping from his tone. “Must be why you chose to do this whole thing with Hattie and then hide it from me. Over my birthday, no less!”
“I’m sorry,” Freddie sighs. “None of this was to hurt you.”
“Again, great job. You’re doing a brilliant job of persuading me you’re not a massive fucking dick.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want you to be my brother!”
“I am your brother. I’m here, aren’t I? I’m trying.”
“You’re… doing things… to my best friend. The one person who’s never had anything to do with you! And I swear to God if you ruin that for me, if you mess with her in any way, I will never speak to you ever again!”
Freddie stares at his brother, his eyes narrowed and, if I’m totally honest, more intense than I’ve ever seen them before. “I would never hurt her or do anything to ruin… whatever it is that’s going on between us.”
Sam’s gaze flits to mine. I know my face will be betraying me. I’m hot and sweaty from the stress, despite it being freezing outside. He presses his lips together. “Well? What the hell’s going on?”
“It’s my fault,” I say. “I don’t think you want the details, but you should know, it was me who initiated things. Nothing really happened. And I don’t want you to blame him.”
“Why him?” he asks; he sounds tired now.
“Er, do you really want the details?” I try to brush it off with a smile.
But he just shakes his head, groaning as he looks up at the sky. “This will take some getting my head around.”
“Guys.” Sara pokes her head out of the car window. “So great you’re all finally having it out. But it’s literally freezing right now, and you left the car doors open without the heating on.”
Freddie and Sam both exhale audibly at the same time.
“Come on,” Freddie says. “Let’s hit the road. Hopefully, I can reverse out of this. You’ll have to figure out how you’re going to sit until we drop Dylan off as there aren’t enough seats.”
“Even better,” Sam complains, striding past me to the car. I feel a pain my chest when he doesn’t so much as glance my way.
Freddie gives me a sad smile as he walks back to the car.