Chapter Thirty-Two #2
“Hey,” he says, reaching out to touch my knee but then wincing and taking his hand back, thinking better of it.
I hate it. I want to feel the weight of his hand on me.
I already miss it. Which is absurd as it was less than twelve hours ago that I was dribbling on his chest. But I think my head is telling me he’s something I still can’t have.
He’s always been this untouchable thing.
And maybe, outside of the lodge, that’s who he has to be because Sam means the world to me.
It was Sam who was at my door within minutes of Adam breaking it off.
It was Sam who stayed at mine for a whole week just for support.
And it was Sam who’s been relentlessly my friend through all these years.
From the nerdy girl who had no friends to the heartbroken woman who needed a hug.
It was always him.
God. What if I’ve ruined it?
It’s all I can think about as we drop Priya off, waving at Izzy and baby Ollie, who are already there waiting for her by the front door. Then Sara, who we drop at the station so she can get the train back to Brighton where she lives with Mike.
Then it’s just us and he’s driving me back to my flat a few blocks away from the sea. It’s dark outside, the sky a deep navy, seagulls cawing into the wind. There hasn’t been so much as a drop of snow in Seaford, which doesn’t surprise me at all. It never really snows down here on the coast.
I’m tongue-tied the whole way trying to decide how the hell I’m going to leave this with him because, honestly, I feel like I’m just going to end up wanting to kiss him again.
And that’s not going to solve any of my problems.
Freddie finds a gap to parallel park, effortlessly reversing into the spot. It shouldn’t be as hot as it is. I suspect the attraction to sexy, careful driving hits in around the same time as a fully developed frontal lobe.
“Is that Adam?” Freddie asks, peering out the passenger’s side before he’s even got the handbrake on. I flinch like someone’s thrown freezing-cold water at me. My heart practically descends to my toes because…
“Oh my God…” It is Adam.
He’s sat on the wooden bench outside the main doors to my apartment block, slumped over with his phone in his hand.
There’s that dark, long hair falling over his face that I’ve been so familiar with for so long.
And yet I don’t experience the ache that usually comes with seeing him.
I don’t feel like I’m missing anything anymore.
He hasn’t moved so I don’t think he’s noticed us.
But, of course, he wouldn’t expect me to be in this car – let alone with Freddie.
“Huh. How did you handle the text incident last night?” Freddie asks, his eyes still trained on my ex.
I shrug. “I ignored him. I kind of hoped he’d just leave me alone.”
“Well, I don’t think he got the memo.”
Clearly. I bite my lip, pondering my next move.
“Come on,” Freddie says.
Part of me expects him to drive us away again. I could stay at his for the night and hopefully, by the time we’re back, Adam will be gone. Except that’s not what is happening. Nope. Freddie is climbing out the car.
Panic kicks me into motion.
“Wait! What are you doing?” I hiss, launching for his arm and hanging onto his firm bicep like I own it. “He’ll see you.”
Freddie pauses, halfway out the door, the chilly evening air seeping into our perfectly snug car. There’s really no need to leave. His gaze lands on mine, a warm confidence there. I don’t release his arm. “Good. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“I don’t actually know.” I frown but my mind is catastrophising. I’m seeing a brawl. I’m seeing Adam in my life again. What if I do something stupid and forgive him? I’ve done it before.
Freddie waits, his stare unwavering. “What do you want to do? If you really want, we can leave. Or I can go see him off myself?”
I can’t fight a surprised laugh. “You’d do that?”
He tilts his head. “You know I would. In fact, it would be an honour. I would enjoy it. Honestly, you’d be doing me a favour. But you shouldn’t enable my ego.”
I laugh again. And… just how. This is a stressful moment. My ex is but metres away, but Freddie is putting me at ease and I’m laughing. I take a deep breath. “I know. I know. But no. No. I need to do this.”
“Want me to stay here?”
I scoff. “I’m being brave. Not mental.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Yeah.”
He smiles. “I shouldn’t be this excited.”
“No, you shouldn’t. This will be a boring exchange.”
“We’ll see. Give him hell, Hattie.”
I release Freddie and ready myself to climb out my side. His door slams and then before I know it, he’s opened my door like a gent, even offering me his hand to help me out. Oh, he’s going to really enjoy this performance.
“You don’t have to do that,” I say as he slams my door just hard enough to gain attention.
His devilish grin when I look at him tells me he knows exactly what he’s doing.
I pretend I have no idea Adam is there, but I swear I can feel his eyes on me.
Freddie steps ahead, opening the boot and looping my bag over his shoulder, and I don’t even bother resisting him.
Because maybe this whole show is exactly the performance Adam needs.
Freddie offers me his arm as we begin to walk, and I take it. Why not? Might as well give it my all. Adam is standing when my eyes finally land on him. He’s in his nice jeans and smart boots. I don’t recognise the coat he has on. It’s weird. I would’ve usually helped him pick something like that.
“Adam?” I say, and I sound surprisingly candid.
His eyes trail from mine to where my arm is linked through Freddie’s before he finally looks up and acknowledges him with a nod. “Hattie, erm … aren’t you Sam’s brother?”
“That’s right,” Freddie says. “And you must be Alex?”
I fight a snigger. Instead, I press my lips together and look down, squeezing Freddie’s arm tighter.
“Hattie, don’t you hate this guy?” Adam asks, gaining my attention again.
I feel Freddie tense beside me.
I make a face at my ex. “Clearly…”
“Right. Well… I was hoping we could talk.”
I can feel Freddie fighting the urge not to speak and ruin my moment to shine. I take a second to breathe and order my words. I have to do this right. “There’s nothing to say.”
Adam scowls. “I have something to say. And I’d appreciate a moment alone.”
Freddie doesn’t budge. But I feel a sudden need to do this on my own. He’s got me this far. It has to be me who confronts my literal demon. I release his arm, and we share a brief, silent exchange. I’ve got this, I hope I portray.
With a twist of his lips, he steps past Adam and walks towards the main doors to my building.
It’s a statement, alright. If he’d returned to the car, it would’ve given Adam the impression Freddie was leaving. But, oh no, he is staying.
If only that were true.
Once he’s out of earshot, I feel a blast of rage run from my chest to my tongue. “Why did you text me?”
Adam swallows thickly, his gaze landing on mine. I hold him there, waiting to see if he’ll be honest. Maybe, after all this time away, I’ll finally be able to read him. “I miss you. Things haven’t been the same without you.”
“But at midnight?” I ask. “You know I’m up and celebrating my birthday at that time. Why then?”
“I guess I just remembered…”
“Remembered what? All the times you weren’t there whilst we were together?”
“Hattie. You’re not being fair.”
I pause for the briefest of seconds. Blame lodges itself in my throat.
I almost swallow the pill and accept I’m the one in the wrong.
It’s amazing how fast that works. But I throw it up in the form of word vomit.
“No!” I shout, way too loudly. People are going to start peering out of their windows.
“I am being fair. I’m being very fair. And I don’t owe you anything. ”
Adam is shaking his head. “You always do this. You try to twist things. I’m here trying to say sorry…”
“I don’t want your sorry, Adam! And I don’t want you! I’m tired of feeling like I’m the one messing up all the time, or overreacting, or being difficult. Newsflash! I’m none of those things. You had no right to make me feel that way about myself.”
Adam laughs, the bitter sound making my blood boil. “You were all those things. You still are! Look at yourself. What the hell are you doing with that guy? How did Sam take that, huh? Or does he not know?”
I blanch. I’m not ready to confront that just yet. “That’s none of your business.”
“So you’re an item?”
“What do you care?”
“Oh my God, Hattie. I’m glad we did this. I am. Because now I know I was right the first time.”
I scoff. “Yes. Me too. I’m glad you’ve shown me that you’re exactly the person I thought you were. It’s taken time to bleed the poison you fed me.”
“You need to grow up,” he mutters before shoving past me back towards the road.
“Never contact me again!” I yell at his retreating figure.
Once he’s definitely gone, I feel instantly lighter, as if he’s taken some of the weight I’ve been carrying away with him.