37. Chapter 37
Chapter thirty-seven
Anna
The night deepened, and Anna didn’t want to move. Moving might break the spell. Everything was magic right now. Atlas’s chest was firm under her cheek, rising and falling with steady breaths. Artificial. But did it matter? At all?
She shook—trembled, more like. No it didn’t matter. Not one bit. Only moonlight shone through the window, falling over the bed, but it was mostly drowned out by the lantern left on low in the middle of the room.
Atlas’s lips pressed on the top of her head, and he whispered, “Shh. You are safe. I promise.”
Anna shifted and his arms followed, keeping her cradled.
She swallowed and ducked her head, curling down.
She was scared of being held, and also not.
This was the first solid feeling she’d had in a long, long time.
It was weird. Mostly she feared when it would stop.
Like she didn’t deserve his arms around her now.
She swallowed, pressing her head into his chest. “Sorry. Not used to . . .”
“Affection? Being held?”
“All of the above?”
Atlas exhaled slowly and held her tighter. “I guess I’ll need to do it more until you get used to it.”
“Oh.” She put her hand over his heartbeat. Calm and steady.
“Simulated.” He chuckled softly. Then his tone became husky. “Or mine would be fast.”
The press of his fingers made her shiver as he began to rub down her side, slowly, methodically. “Mine is pounding.”
She felt him smile in her hair. “I love hearing that.”
“Why though? Why me? I’m not . . .”
Atlas pressed his chin down. “Not what? Not Anna?”
Worthy? I don’t know. The words dried up. “I can’t explain.”
“Hmmm. Maybe I can.” The gentle touches paused. “Did I ever tell you about my past? Who I initially came to Mars with?”
“That was Clara, right?”
“Clara. Yes.”
“Do I remind you of her?” She closed her eyes. “Is that why?”
Atlas suddenly stiffened under her. “No. Oh no, Anna. It’s the opposite. I thought I cared about her. But it took knowing you to realize that it was not . . . it wasn’t right.”
“Not right?”
“Not. At. All.” Atlas slowly brushed the hair from her face. “The things that make you, you, Anna, are the things that make me drawn to you. Clara did not notice any beauty around her. None of us androids do anymore.”
That actually did strike her as off. “Is that why all the androids live closed off in the facility together, instead of in little houses?”
“Partly, yes. Sometimes it takes a spark, something else, for us to see outside of our programming and routines.”
She flushed. “Something else?”
He tightened his arms. “That’s you for me, Anna.
Not only do you help me to see differently, you want to do things for yourself.
You want to try.” Brushing behind her head, he barely touched the chip.
“Even this, though I don’t agree . . . you were brave and did it to protect someone.
That drive to protect. It’s incredible.”
Anna rubbed behind her head, feeling a buzz when she pressed too hard. “I thought you thought I was being reckless.”
“Well, you were. Are.” His voice pitched lower as he smoothed down her hair. “But it doesn’t erase why you did it. Who you are. What you will do for what’s right and what you love.”
The conviction in his voice settled in her. That kind of focused attention made her feel uncomfortable. To be so seen felt so foreign.
Atlas stroked his thumb on her cheek. “Do you understand?”
“I think so.” Then lower, she added, “You’re different from who I was with before too. Paul. He never . . .”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No,” She forced out. “Because I want you to see it’s different for me too. You listen to me. And helped set up everything here, even though it was a crazy idea.”
“Actually, it seems like it’s working out well.” He shifted on the bed. “This is cozier than I imagined.”
“Even without electricity?”
“Oh, especially without.” Then softer. “I’m glad it’s different for you. I want everything to be. We both know how care should not feel." He stared at her intently. "Together we can make new memories for us both. Okay?”
She nodded. “Okay.”
Atlas folded her in his arms, angling to the side to hold her better. She trembled as he caressed down her side. His fingers traced over her as if memorizing her.
“Your hands feel different. From earlier,” she finished lamely. “Not like the examination earlier.”
“Well, yes.” He wrapped his hand around her belly, like he did when he was giving her the exams, but now his hand lingered. “You’re not a patient anymore. We’re past those boundaries now.”
Not a patient. She closed her eyes. Atlas’s touches left goosebumps along her arm. “So true,” she whispered.
His hands gently touched all over, angling to be so light they traced rather than pressed. He skated over every part, shoulder blades down her fingers, not lingering anywhere improper. Everything buzzed as he went, leaving behind a ghost of his fingers. She shivered, leaning in closer.
He pressed his lips to her forehead. “Do you like this? My touching you? Holding you?”
She breathed out, “Yes.”
He pulled his fingers up, hovering over her skin. “. . . Does it matter that I’m not really a man?”
“No. It makes it . . . this is much better.” She closed her eyes. “I’ve been drawn to you too. My past. It’s hard. But once you let me be myself . . . I feel something, Atlas. I don’t want you to leave.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t understand it, but I want you too.”
There was a smile in his voice. “Are you attached to me? Like humans get?”
“Is that it?” Anna snorted. “I guess so.”
His gaze grew soft, and he trailed a finger on the bottom of her chin. “Can I kiss you, Anna?”
Anna swallowed. Her voice was thick. “Paul never kissed me.”
Atlas tilted his head, and his lips pressed into hers. Gently.
He pulled back and whispered, “That man. He is not here, Anna. He does not exist anymore. But I do.”
Her breath caught as he kissed her again, so gently that she started to shake once more. Desire flooded her, desperate and strong. So strong that it made her pull away, trembling.
"Is that alright?" He asked.
Anna hesitantly came forward in reply. She pressed her lips to his. Soft. Tender. For her, a decision made.
Atlas met her there, angling towards her, taking her kisses as they came. He caressed down her sides until Anna's blood boiled. And she had to pull back. Too much feeling at once.
He put a hand over her heartbeat, steady.
Anna traced his face back. His eyes were tawny in the lantern light, and so warm. He sat as still as stone as she did, letting her fingers explore. Then down to his chest, covered in his soft blue sweater.
"Does it feel real enough?" He asked.
"More than enough."
He cradled her head with his hand and brought her in for another kiss. Slow and steady. He let out a soft chuckle. “I will hold you and show you more when you’re ready.”
"Soon?" She breathed deep. "Can you hold me now?"
Atlas reached and pulled her back. He resettled her so she rested on his chest and covered them both with the blanket. "Absolutely I can.” He squeezed his arms around her. “All night. Every night."
She rested on his chest. Dozing. And also too wired to be awake. She was pressed into him. On him. Open to him. And he played with her hair like she was something precious. Something worth protecting.
A few heartbeats later he asked, “Can I show you something?”
“What?”
Atlas brought out a small feed, a screen. “Don’t worry, it’s not more reality TV.” He clicked on some buttons and a picture came on in black and white. “This is my favorite movie, Friday Morning. Look, see?”
The music he played for her earlier played on the video feed. The same melody she remembered from the radio back on Earth. “This is where the song is from?”
“Yes.”
The show opened showing a little village. White things were falling on the screen, covering the ground. It wasn’t sand. Or dust. “What’s that?” Anna asked.
“Snow.”
She’d read about snow, but never seen it, living in the desert.
Snow fell, covering rows of little houses.
She watched, enraptured. The movie was silly.
The father kept shoveling the snow and it kept coming back, comically, until the whole family came out to help him.
Then they went inside, moving, smiling, hugging much like they were now.
The whole show was a holiday back on Earth, far before androids or any war.
Everyone was opening presents. Singing and eating.
The father received a new shovel as a gift, and everyone laughed.
The movie made her tear up. She wiped at her eyes.
Atlas pressed his lips to the top of her forehead. “This is what I always wanted, but didn’t think was real.”