Chapter 22 #2
She had assumed that he’d left the party early because she’d seen him walk towards the exit, but she hadn’t actually seen him leave.
The rest of the clues – tall, funny, sexy, can dance – fit Caleb and Piotr, who were charismatic and outgoing. People you easily associated with being funny and sexy and good at dancing. But Leo was all of these things too. You just didn’t see them at first glance.
Had Udeni somehow seen straight past the facade and immediately seen Leo for who he was? Had Leo been drunk enough to show her?
Vidya groaned. It didn’t matter, did it?
What mattered was that she had made a snap judgement and let everything else be guided by it.
All the research she’d done on Caleb. What a waste of time!
What did she know about Leo? He was shy and thoughtful and kind and …
kissed like a dream. No. She couldn’t think that.
Tears pushed against her eyes. She closed them and rested her face on the pillow. But could she forget?
She had wanted him so much. All the times she’d watched the way he moved, the way his forehead creased when he was worried, the way he twiddled his pen in his fingers when he was thinking, the way he let her share his chips because a seagull had nicked hers.
She had tried to keep her distance, tried to give up what she wanted and focus on her sister, because Udeni always came first. In this case, quite literally, apparently.
She had finally found a guy she liked, who liked her back, but she couldn’t have him because of her sister.
It was so unfair. Tears seeping out from under her lashes, Vidya allowed herself a moment of angry resentment.
She didn’t ask for much. She was willing to do anything, give up her evenings to babysit, take on more of the financial burden with the flat – anything – for her sister.
But again everything revolved around Udeni.
Vidya couldn’t even have just this one thing?
Vidya gasped out a loud sob. Why had they discounted Leo so early? Why hadn’t she made sure? If she’d worked it out about the tattoo earlier, she wouldn’t be in this position now. She gave up and let the tears fall.
When, a few minutes later, someone knocked on the door, she nearly jumped out of her skin. She dragged a palm over her face. Who was that? What if it was Leo? She couldn’t see him. Not like this. Not like anything. She just couldn’t bear it.
What must he have thought? She had been completely in the moment with him and then she’d run away without any explanation.
Whoever it was knocked again. Oh no no no no. Go away.
Another knock. ‘Vidya, it’s Caleb.’
Caleb. Okay. She could probably handle seeing Caleb.
‘Just a minute.’
She went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Her crying hadn’t been pretty. It had been dreadful, eye-reddening, face-inflating, snotty, ugly crying. She splashed some water on her face and dried it. It made no difference. She still looked red eyed and puffy. Couldn’t be helped.
As she made her way to the door, she tried to think of an explanation, which Caleb could convey to Leo. She couldn’t tell him the truth, but there really wasn’t anything else that was acceptable.
She hauled the door open. All the crying and the aftermath of the panic attack had left her feeling hollow. She leaned against the door.
Caleb stood outside, looking worried.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I just … came to see if you were okay.’
‘I’m fine,’ she said. Her voice was croaky and sad.
He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded. ‘That’s good.’ He held something out. Her scarf. She must have left it in Leo’s room.
Embarrassment and remorse rose. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I … I wish I could explain, but …’ She took the scarf. ‘How is he?’
If she knew Leo half as well as she thought she did … he would be angry and sad and probably worried.
Caleb made a face. ‘Well, not exactly happy. And he is concerned about you.’
‘Did he send you to check on me?’ she asked.
Caleb didn’t reply. He didn’t have to. His expressive face said it all. Leo might be worried about her, but Caleb was worried about Leo.
‘Please can you tell him that I’m sorry. It’s not him. It’s me. I have … baggage that I have to deal with.’
Caleb studied her, solemnly. She wasn’t used to seeing this side of Caleb. He was the happy-go-lucky one. Seriousness, on him, seemed wrong. ‘Vidya,’ he said. ‘I love Leo like a brother, and I hate to see him hurt.’
‘I didn’t mean to.’ It was such a weak thing to say. ‘I feel awful. I honestly …’ Her throat closed up and tears rose. She swallowed hard so that she could speak. ‘I wish I could explain, but I can’t. Just tell him I’m sorry.’
Caleb nodded. ‘I will.’ His eyes searched her face. ‘And you’re okay, right? Not … hurt.’
‘I’m fine.’ Vidya tried to smile and failed. ‘Just a bit emotional. Like I said … baggage. It’s not Leo. I’m sorry he got caught up in it.’
Caleb nodded. ‘If you need anything, just ask, okay. I mean, Leo’s my best friend. But you’re my friend too. And … uh … if you need help with anything, we’re both here for you.’
‘I know.’ She did. Which made everything so much worse.
‘Okay. Well, good night.’
‘Good night.’
She watched him walk away. ‘Caleb,’ she said.
He half turned.
‘Look after him.’
This time, he did smile. ‘Always do,’ he said.
***
When Vidya got up the next morning, she felt like she had the worst hangover.
Her head hurt, her eyes stung and her skin felt too tight for her face.
She’d just got dressed and was standing in front of the mirror wondering how on earth she was going to face Leo that morning when a text arrived from Caleb.
Going back early. Won’t see you at breakfast. Have a safe train journey home. C
Well, that solved that problem. She need not worry about running into Leo for another forty-eight hours.
Instead of going straight into the office, like she’d intended, Vidya had called in claiming sickness.
She had done it over Zoom, so that her line manager could see her tear-ruined face.
She really did look like she had come down with a terrible cold.
‘I know we’re on a tight deadline,’ she said, before he could say anything. ‘I’ll work from home.’
She forced down some breakfast and waited to see Stella to say goodbye before checking out. Her bill was already covered by the company, and Leo had pre-booked and paid for a taxi from the hotel to the station for her. Her heart twisted at the sight of his name at the bottom of the payment voucher.
The train journey home was … useful. Being in public meant she was less likely to cry and feel sorry for herself, so it forced her to think and plan.
Her mistake was obviously terrible, but what could she do about it now?
One option was that she distance herself from Leo as much as possible and make sure that he never saw Udeni.
Ever. Given that Vidya and Leo worked in the same company, and were currently on the same project, avoiding him completely would be difficult.
She stared out of the window and tried to imagine never seeing Leo again and, by extension, Caleb too.
There was a hollow in her chest. She liked them.
They had been her friends. If she hadn’t given in to her feelings and kissed Leo, he would still be her friend.
By wanting more, she’d ruined everything.
But there was no going back now.
Could she work with him, dispassionately, as a professional? She wasn’t sure. Leo, she was sure, would be able to put on his mask and carry on working as normal, but she couldn’t do that.
Besides, she had hurt him. The confusion on his face when she had run out!
Caleb had been clear that she’d hurt Leo.
She knew she had. For all his sang-froid, he was sensitive.
She owed him an explanation, ideally one that would let him down gently and not involve her sister in any way.
But whatever she said, it would be a lie.
She didn’t lie much, because her guilty conscience nearly always gave her away.
She didn’t have Udeni’s ability to rewrite the world to fit whatever story was her truth on the day.
Vidya would always know that she’d lied to Leo.
He would probably find out and he would be hurt all over again.
She sighed. Then there was the matter of the baby.
She thought of Leo helping a stranger with her pushchair and children, simply because she needed help.
Of him hunkering down so that he was on the same level as the small boy when he talked to him.
Of him carrying bags upstairs for two old ladies, even though he didn’t have to.
He was a good man, and he would be an excellent father.
If Leo ever discovered he had a child and hadn’t been involved in raising it, he would be devastated.
He, of all people, knew about neglectful parents.
That wasn’t fair on anyone. Least of all the baby.
It seemed to her that the best thing for everyone concerned was that Udeni should tell Leo. Or better still, Vidya could tell him herself and combine it with an apology. This was, objectively, the best outcome, but …
Vidya blinked back sudden tears. She was amazed that she still had any left after last night’s crying.
But …
But she wanted Leo. She cared for him, and the idea of Leo and Udeni being parents together … being a family … it made her want to howl. She didn’t ask for much. Seriously. Couldn’t she have this one thing? Just once.
Her eyes continued to fill with tears, so she pinched herself to distract herself. Maybe taking the day away from the office wasn’t such a good idea. She needed something to take her mind off this.