Chapter 57
Ella
Tuesday
“We never fight,” I tell my friends Philia and Cara during our Skype call, my voice low, fading.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with Bill and told him how much I would love it if we could arrange our lives to spend some weekends here in Evermere.
We would come together, make plans by the ocean, and date in the countryside.
I said maybe one weekend a month, but when he showed resistance to that option, I suggested one weekend every other month.
He said we would see, and that I could always come on my own whenever I wanted to.
I agreed, and nothing was established. “Nothing ever is established. Between us, as a couple,” I said.
And he didn’t argue. Instead, to counteract that, he asked me to accompany him to a business dinner with a possible new client. And I didn’t battle it. I said yes.
“There’s the problem,” I tell my friends, losing my voice. “I don’t push it. I don’t dispute. I find myself starting to be honest and then… I give up.”
“And he doesn’t pull you to say what you want to say,” Philia continues my spiral of thoughts, intrigued for me. Maybe she has the strength to fight what I don’t.
“Do you feel that he is not listening to you?” Cara asks, thoughtfully.
It was never a thought that bothered me.
We’ve been living together for a year now.
We do talk about our lives. And we have spent milestones in our lives together: I’ve shared important discoveries from my research work, and he’s introduced me at his job events to new, valuable clients he personally secured.
We’ve celebrated promotions and achievements.
But have we ever gone through a real milestone together? Have we ever faced a challenging situation side by side? Supported each other in loss? In anxiety of the unknown? Unclarity about life?
Has he ever really listened to me — seen me?
“You should also ask yourself, Ella,” Cara says gently, looking at me through the computer screen, “do you believe you listen to him?”
My chest tightens, my face twists in silent question, reflecting. Cara’s words sink in. Have I ever truly seen him?