Chapter 29 Simi
Twenty-Nine
Simi
My sister has slid back into being this huge presence in my life. Just the way she was when we were kids. Not where she’s telling me what to do and running my life, but where I feel completely enveloped in her presence. Comforted by it. I don’t think it’s just me who feels that way.
She’s letting everyone see her softness, as though someone turned her inside out like a fleece-lined sock. What I’ve always seen is now exposed, unguarded.
The Gupta home vibrates with Rupi magic.
I love it and hate it in equal measure.
I still struggle with feeling trapped inside a shell. I want to reach out of it, be as brave as her, but I just can’t seem to sustain it. Except with Baba.
Ever since we took Baba on a walk for the first time last week, he seems to know what’s happening with Prem, Rupi, and me.
When we got home, he sat the three of us down and gave Prem one of those piercing looks.
Prem cried. That was it. And Baba put a hand on my head.
Then he pointed to his chair and to me. So, I’ve been coming over a little earlier in the morning to drop Rupi off and take him for a walk in his wheelchair by myself.
I tell him my day’s plan, and we pluck flowers from the park and bring them home for Prem’s mom. It’s only been a few days, but it’s been such a balm to my heart. No wonder Rupi essentially spent the past three months here in his room.
I have the day off today, and I’m supposed to be helping Prem’s mom with wedding stuff, which is hard because I can still barely talk in front of the woman.
Tanuja, Rupi, and I are having chai in Baba’s room.
“I have a huge favor to ask you, Simi,” Tanuja says just as Prem walks into the room. He goes straight to Rupi and ignores me. I know his mom is sitting right here, but my heart still pinches.
Then he looks over at me, and I forget what I was mad about.
“Prem,” Tanuja says. “Can you take Rupi and go check on the swatches I left in your room for the remodel?”
Rupi stands, and Prem says something near her ear, and they both giggle. He gives her a worshipful look. I have no idea why that hurts so much, but it stings like a fresh burn. So much for my shell. Prem, like the rest of them, has fallen completely under Rupi’s spell.
They roll their eyes, pick up the empty cups of chai, and leave.
“I sent them off on purpose,” Tanuja whispers conspiratorially.
Very subtle I want to say. But don’t.
“I was wondering if you could help me with something. In private,” Tanuja says.
“Anything,” I say with a little too much enthusiasm. She doesn’t even notice. She’s watching Prem and Rupi leave.
“You know the whole wedding dress fiasco?”
I nod. After Rupi and Tanuja staged a walkout on a local dressmaker for throwing shade at Rupi’s tattoos, they tried ordering online, but something has gone wrong with each order. Which means there’s no wedding dress yet.
Preeti and Chandni both offered to let Rupi pick something out of their closets, and she jumped on that option with great relief. So, I thought the matter was closed.
“I think I have an idea. Come with me.” She leads me into her closet. Some fifty saris are hanging across one side of the giant walk-in closet. It’s a veritable wonderland of color, texture, and warmth.
“I was wondering . . .” She reaches up and pulls down a cloth sari bag, then places it on a shelf and unzips it, exposing the most gorgeous red silk woven entirely with gold thread. My heart gives a cramp of longing. This is exactly the kind of sari I’ve always imagined myself getting married in.
“Do you think Rupi would mind me asking if she wants to wear my wedding sari?”
My eyelids burn. My throat constricts. I absolutely cannot cry right now. My eyes tear up, and I turn away and pretend to cough.
“I’m so sorry, is it dusty in here? Do you have allergies?” She starts studying the shelves for dust.
“No, sorry. Just a tickle in my throat.” God, how can this be happening? Why can’t I stop feeling this way? Why didn’t I just jump on it when Prem asked me to marry him? Why was I such a coward?
I thought I made peace with this. I promised my sister we’re going to make it work.
Everything is as it should be. But it’s not.
It’s not. I touch the silk of the sari. The way it slides between my fingers feels like pure, irreversible loss.
I know in this moment that things will never be okay.
I’ll never be able to do this. No matter how much I love my sister, I am not her.
I cannot make a sacrifice of this magnitude.
Not even for her. I’ll give her a kidney, but this feels like actually dying.
“You okay, beta?”
“She’ll love it,” I say, pulling my hand away and clutching it against my chest. “This is so incredibly kind of you.” It is, and Rupi is going to die of joy.
“You girls are so lovely. I can’t imagine Preeti or Chandni being okay with wearing hand-me-downs for their wedding.” As soon as the words leave her, she slaps a hand across her mouth. “I didn’t mean to say that. Don’t tell them I said that, okay?” She winks at me and hands me the sari.
“Let’s take it out and surprise Rupi.” She’s as excited as a kid who’s discovered a hidden stash of her favorite cookies.
My heart is racing as I follow her, clutching the sari like I’ll die without it. My stomach is in knots. I don’t know how my legs are working.
She calls out to Rupi and Prem, and they come back down.
I let the sari go. I watch the scene play out as Tanuja offers it to Rupi.
Rupi cries. My sister, who never cries, throws her arms around Tanuja and sobs. Tears stream from my eyes, too, but they aren’t the kind of emotional tears Rupi is crying. They’re my heart breaking. Prem’s mom pulls him into a group hug with Rupi, and he wraps his arms around them both.
When he looks up and catches my eye, the pain I feel is so intense, I might throw up. I turn away.
I have to get out of here.
I can’t drive away. Leaving will attract too much attention, but I have to be alone.
I’m not thinking when I leave the kitchen. The only room I’ve been in upstairs is Prem’s, so I head there without thinking.
Big mistake. Because his room is infused with him. His clothes, his shoes, his smell, his essence. It’s everywhere.
I turn back around. I can’t be here either. Yet another place I can no longer belong in. The throw I made for him is lying on his pillow. I snatch it up and am about to throw it across the room when he enters. He shuts the door behind him.
The throw slides from my fingers. For a few moments we just stand there. Looking at each other.
“Simi.” That’s it. He says my name. Then stops.
The silence sucks the air out of the room. It sucks the life out of me.
“Say something,” I whisper. “Please.”
He looks flustered. If he were holding something, he’d drop it. I want him to. I want him to stumble. I want him to show me some feeling. Anything.
“Did you . . . did you need something?”
I laugh. I can’t help it. I laugh, and I feel like my sister used to be. Mean.
“I need you to tell me what’s going on,” I say.
“I . . . What? What is that supposed to mean?”
“That means, your mother just gave your fiancée her wedding sari. I want to know how you feel about that.”
He blinks. “My mother just gave her wedding sari to your sister and not to you. How do you think I feel about that?”
“I don’t know anymore. Suddenly you seem to be quite comfortable with all this.”
“You think I’m comfortable with all this?”
Repeating my questions is not an answer.
“Aren’t you? Haven’t you . . .” I clasp and unclasp my hands. I don’t know what to do anymore. What to say. “Prem, have you developed feelings for Rupi? Because . . . because you’re acting like she’s really going to be your wife.”
He looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am, like I’m the one being unfair. The dark hit of emotions I’m feeling is so overwhelming, I can’t think around it.
“You think I’ve developed feelings for her? Like romantic feelings? Are you for real, Simi?”
He starts pacing. And naturally he trips over a footstool. I don’t help him, and he corrects himself and pushes the stool out of the way.
“You’re the one who forced me into this situation. You’re the only reason I would ever consider something like this. How can you ask me such a thing?” He looks so incredulous, deep shame slides through me, taking away my ability to come up with a response.
“I’m sorry,” I say, close to tears. “It’s not like I wanted this. It’s not like any of this came with a manual. I couldn’t think of another way to help my sister. All I knew was that she deserved my help. I had to help her.”
He looks at me funny. “I know, baby. Of course she does. But, Simi, what you’re accusing me of right now is absurd. How can you not know that I’m only doing this for you? It’s an act. An act you demanded of me.”
“Since when did you become such a good actor, Prem?”
“You think I’m a good actor?” His foot is about to get caught in the rug, but he catches himself before it happens.
My body still lurches to help him. “Do you know how I even did all this? How I pulled off the act when we first started it?” He takes a step closer to me.
“All I had to do was pretend I’m talking to you, pretend that I’m talking about you.
That I’m looking at you. The only way I could do this was if I made myself see your face in place of your sister’s face. ”
I know he means everything he’s saying. What I don’t know is why I still can’t believe him. My heart is racing so fast, it’s a miracle I’m not gasping for breath.
“I know that’s how it was at first. But recently, in the past few weeks, something has changed. But even before that, you’ve been avoiding me for months, Prem.”