35. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
Asher
L illith's outstretched hand trembles in the space between us, her eyes glistening with barely restrained tears. My pulse thunders in my ears as I await her response.
Finally, voice scarcely a whisper, she answers, "I am Lillith Shadowend."
The admission lands like a blow. My mind reels, grappling to reconcile this woman with the terrible villain of legend. She seems so unlike the ruthless manipulator from whispered tales of dread. Perhaps that is merely evidence of how utterly she deceived me. I saw everything that this man knew about her. The acts she committed as a villain with Lexir, their relationship, and their breakup. The worst part is that the one thing I really care about is that she lied to me .
I recoil, anger and disbelief warring within me. "You lied about who you were this whole time!" I accuse harshly. "You mean to betray me. Admit it!"
Anguish floods her face. "I never meant you harm. I swear it!" She reaches for me desperately. "Please, Asher, you have to believe me—"
"Believe you?" I snarl, pulling away. "You posed as an innocent to get close to me. For all I know, you mean to slit my throat as I sleep!"
Fury blazes in her eyes. She rises to her feet, voice whip-sharp. "Do not presume to know my intentions. If I wanted you dead, you would be."
I raise my sword, leveling it at her chest while she stares at me unflinchingly. "Give me one reason why I should not cut you down here and now, villain."
Her fierce look softens then, eyes shining with emotion as she steps toward me and grasps my arm. "Because you've felt what grows between us," she says softly. "As have I."
I recoil from her touch. “You lied about who you were. Why?” I demand harshly.
Lillith flinches at my tone but does not retreat. “It was never to harm you. I swear! I just wanted to see if I could make you a little bit less good. You’ve got to believe me.” Her voice breaks. “I never had a chance at goodness, but with you... for the first time I feel hope.”
The anguish in her eyes gives me pause. Could she truly have been forced into evil? Still, doubts gnaw at me .
“You hid your identity because you meant to betray me.”
“No!” Desperation floods her face. “I hid because I knew if you discovered who I was, you would have killed me. Any hero would.” She falls to her knees before me, gripping my hands even as I try to pull away. “Please don’t give up on us.”
Her raw sincerity brings me up short. She seems a different woman than the ruthless sorceress of legend. I want to believe redemption is possible, even for her, but reservations still plague me.
“Please. I don’t know what our future would look like, but I know I want you to be part of it. You’ve shown me that being good isn’t quite so bad,” she entreats.
I search her face, finding no deception there. Could she truly be ready to abandon her villainous nature? It seems impossible, yet her anguish appears genuine.
“I know you find it hard to trust me,” she concedes brokenly, “but I beg you, give me a chance to prove myself. I may have the title of the most powerful villain in three kingdoms, but I’ve never been called the most evil.”
Everything in me wants to pull her close, to believe we can overcome her dark past if she is willing, but my duty demands caution. She deceived me once already. I cannot afford to be blinded by sentiment.
“You will have your chance,” I say heavily, “but it will take time to know your heart is true. ”
Hope and fear war in her eyes. “That’s all I ask,” she whispers. “A chance to show you I want to be made anew.”
My own heart is in turmoil, pulled between affection for the woman I thought I knew and wariness for the infamous villain she has proven to be.
I extend a hand to her. She clings to it like a lifeline, as though terrified I will cast her back into darkness alone.
“We should head out,” I tell her gruffly. “We aren’t far from Lexir’s camp.”
Silent, she nods and leaves the cave.
It is true that I long to trust that redemption can flower even in the most corrupted soul, but only time will tell if she is ready to step fully into the light. The light that I now fear blinded me to the viper I clasped to my breast...
***
The forest seems to close in oppressively as Lillith and I continue toward Lexir's camp. Ever since she reveals her true identity back in the cave, Lillith hasn't spoken a word. I can't blame her. Learning she is Lillith Shadowend, the infamous dark enchantress, rattled me pretty hard too. All this time I've trusted her, even started to... care for her. Now, I don't know if anything between us had been real.
I sneak a glance at Lillith as we hike. Her gaze is distant, lost in thought. How can I ever trust her again after she lies to my face? Yet, part of me wants to believe she has changed over our journey together, that what we share means something, no matter her past sins.
After about a league on the forest trail, Lillith pauses, frowning at the surrounding woods. "This area looks familiar," she murmurs. "Like a different lifetime, yet also just yesterday."
She steps off the worn path, picking her way among the dense underbrush and beckoning for me to follow. I trail after her warily, one hand resting on the hilt of my sheathed sword. What is she doing?
We hack through prickly thickets and duck under low-hanging boughs until the forest opens up into a tiny clearing, little more than a break in the trees. Kneeling, Lillith carefully brushes away the carpet of fallen leaves from a patch of bare stone. Carved deeply into its surface is an elaborate, curling letter “L.”
"My childish signature," she remarks, a bitter twist to her mouth. "Etched here on the day I swore none would ever make me feel powerless again."
Her words give me pause. Powerless? What happened to her as a child to elicit such a vow?
Before I can ask, Lillith rises swiftly to her feet and plunges onward into the gloom beneath the forest eaves. Mystified, I scramble after her.
We pass a decrepit wooden shack, its roof sunken in and walls green with moss. The remains of a firepit lie before it. In a nearby copse, scorch marks blacken the bark of several ancient oaks. An entire pond we come upon is strangely frozen over, glistening ice coating its surface despite the late summer warmth.
As we pass the crumbling shack, melancholy flashes across Lillith's face.
"I took shelter here after first escaping the underground training facility at eleven. My parents sent me there. They were convinced it was for the best. Train me into the ruthless villain they wanted to be themselves and get me out of their hair all in one go.” Her voice drops to a haunted whisper. "I still hear their screams sometimes in my dreams. That place hollowed out my innocence, so I fled here to the forest determined to regain control." She ducks inside the shack, running her hands over the moss-covered walls. "Cold comfort but the solitude was a balm. No more punishments or forced deeds. For the first time, I could breathe."
In a nearby copse, scorch marks blacken several ancient oaks.
Lillith walks over and rests her palm on one charred trunk. "I was trying to master a fire spell using lightning as the spark," she explains. "I underestimated the intensity. The flames raged wildly, consuming half the copse before I regained command." She shakes her head ruefully. "I lived on roots and berries until I could hunt. An important lesson in respecting elemental power. "
Each thing she shows me breaks my heart a little bit more. If this is what her life was like, how could she have become anything other than a villain?
As we pass the frozen pond, Lillith grimaces, her eyes brimming with painful memories. "An early attempt at morphing water into ice. As you can see, I hadn't yet mastered reversing my own spells." She gazes out at the sparkling expanse. "I was stranded for two frigid nights, nearly dying of hypothermia before it finally melted enough for me to escape." Lillith slowly shakes her head, eyes clouded with old hurts. "I chose this path myself to escape their neglect and claim the power over magic.." Her voice holds echoes of deep-seated pain.
Her eyes go out of focus as if seeing something I can’t.
"One winter, I fell desperately ill," Lillith continues, her voice distant. "It came on suddenly... violent chills, searing fever. I could barely gather the strength to stoke the fire." She gestures around the dilapidated shack. "For three days, I lay here alone with no one to aid me. The snow piled high outside, cutting off any hope of seeking help. Little did I know, the entire kingdom was sick with the plague." Lillith shakes her head. "I was sure those empty walls would be the last thing I saw."
My heart aches at the thought of her suffering through such a harrowing ordeal with no comfort or care. She endured only because of her sheer resilience .
A sliver of guilt creeps its way into me. I made some mistakes in my youth that had horrible consequences. Some still give me nightmares. I can’t help but wonder if this is connected to one of my worst, but I am too afraid to ask.
"But the fever finally broke," Lillith says, "and when it did, my resolve to survive only strengthened. I had only myself to rely on so I vowed to grow stronger whatever it took."
Her candid words take me aback, the sincerity in them resonating within my heart. She was just a frightened, lonely child trying to survive the only way she knew—by seizing control of her own destiny through training her gifts.
It strikes me how foolish I have been to judge her so rashly, forgetting that even the most fearsome villains were innocent babes once. Lillith hid truths about her identity, true, but the spirit I have come to know over our journey has been real. Standing here, surrounded by the ghosts of her past training, I see at last the glimmers of light she clutches to even in the smothering darkness she knew.
Lillith turns to me then, her eyes pools of uncertainty and shame, as if my thoughts are scribed plainly on my face for her to read.
"I know you must think me a monster after all I've done..." she begins haltingly.
I raise a hand, stopping her. "You became what circumstances forced you to be. How could a child shown only cruelty know kindness?"
Lillith looks surprised and hesitant to accept my words. "Still, the choices were mine," she insists. "I let anger and pain twist me into something hardened and dark."
"And yet your humanity remained," I counter gently, "buried but not destroyed. You used your magic to protect me, did you not?"
Lillith nods slowly. "I suppose I did." She is silent for a long moment.
After a moment, I take a deep breath. There is a confession of my own that must be made if we are to truly understand one another.
"The illness you described nearly claiming your life...I am responsible for unleashing it." I admit heavily.
Lillith's eyes widen in surprise and confusion. I force myself to continue.
"When I was young and reckless, I delved into dark magic, seeking the power to cure my mother's terminal disease. But I lost control of the spell and inflicted the kingdom with that deadly plague instead."
I meet Lillith's gaze solemnly. "So you see, I too know the bitter taste of regret. In my ignorance and pride, I brought only suffering while trying vainly to conquer death. "
"So the only reason you could help heal the people of this kingdom is because you first made them sick and dying. You became a hero because you were fixing a mistake you made out of a selfish desire," she said at last. There is no accusation in her tone, only dawning comprehension.
I nod heavily. "I understand the desperation that drives one to such darkness. I know there is a piece of me capable of those same evils under the right circumstances." I meet Lillith's gaze. "Perhaps that is why I find it easier to forgive the shadowed parts of your past. In you, I see a reflection of myself and the mistakes I, too, am capable of when fear and love drive me beyond reason."
Lillith steps forward then and takes my hands in her own. "The past cannot be changed," she says softly. "We can only let it teach us how to go forward with more wisdom and compassion... although I admit it’s nice to see you a bit less perfect." She shakes her head. “Blood magic... it’s something even I was never willing to mess with.”
Tears sting my eyes. With her gentle absolution, it feels as though a festering shard of guilt has finally been lanced from my heart. Perhaps together, two wounded souls can find the redemption we both so desperately seek.