Chapter 11 #3
“I proposed a few weeks later,” I continue.
“Because I loved her, but also mostly because her parents were very old-fashioned Italian Catholic, and they made it very clear that if we were having a baby together, we needed to be married. So there was a lot of pressure—from them, from my parents, from everyone. And I wanted to do the right thing. Or what I thought was the right thing, I guess.”
“So you got engaged.”
“So I got engaged.” I look down at Emma, still sleeping peacefully between us.
“And then Emma was born and everything was great for a while. Being new parents was hard but we were figuring it out together. But I think we both realized pretty quickly that we’d rushed into everything.
We didn’t really know each other well enough to be living together, let alone raising a kid together. ”
“That’s…that’s a lot,” Annie says quietly.
“Yeah. It was.” I swallow. “Rebecca wasn’t happy.
She was breastfeeding and postpartum and miserable because Emma had colic and wouldn’t sleep for anything.
I was working all the time, trying to get tenure.
She felt so isolated, and I didn’t blame her.
She wanted to move closer to her family, wanted her mom to help with childcare, but my job is here.
My family’s here. We just couldn’t seem to agree about anything. ”
The fort feels even smaller now, the air heavier.
“And then about six months ago, I came home early from campus. Emma was napping.” I pause, because even now this part is hard to say out loud.
“And I found Rebecca in our bed with someone else. Some guy from her school—a music teacher, like her, who apparently got a job offer in Boston, where Rebecca had been wanting to move the whole time.”
Annie’s entire body goes rigid next to me. “She—what?”
“Yeah.” The word tastes bitter on my tongue. “Emma was asleep in the next room. This guy was in my house, around my daughter, and Rebecca didn’t even—” I stop, my jaw clenching. “She didn’t even seem sorry. She was just angry that I’d come home early.”
“Oh my God!” Annie’s voice is barely a whisper. “Leo, that’s—how could she do that to you? To Emma?”
“I don’t know.” And I really don’t. I’ve spent six months trying to understand it and I’m no closer than I was the day it happened.
“She left that same day. She packed a bag and said she’d been unhappy for a long time, that she’d met him a few months before and things had just ‘happened.’ She said she’d call to talk to Emma when she got settled in Boston. ”
“Jesus,” Annie breathes.
“Emma keeps asking when her mother is coming home, and I don’t know what to tell her anymore.”
We sit there in silence for a minute, Emma’s soft breathing the only sound between us. Annie’s shoulder is still pressed against mine and I realize this is the most I’ve talked about Rebecca to anyone except Joe and Allison.
“I’m sorry,” Annie says finally. “That’s…I can’t imagine how hard that must be. For both of you.”
“Yeah, well.” I try to make my voice lighter. “Now you know why Emma’s been terrorizing the nannies.”
Annie nods slowly. “It all makes sense.”
“So if she stabs you with a kitchen knife or shaves your head or something—”
“I’ll try to remember it’s not personal.”
“Exactly.”
Emma stirs slightly, making a small sound, and we both freeze. But she adjusts her position, curling tighter against my side, and settles back into sleep.
I swallow, still looking down at Emma’s face. “Sometimes I think it’s all my fault.”
“What’s your fault?”
I shake my head, just barely. “All of it. Why we’re alone. Why Emma keeps asking for her mom. Why she’s…like this, I guess. So angry all the time.”
Annie doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t rush to fill the silence with reassurances or platitudes about self-forgiveness. She simply waits, and there’s something in that waiting—in her willingness to let the quiet exist without needing to repair it—that creates space for the rest of it to come out.
“It takes two people to make or break a relationship,” I say. The words come slowly, carefully. “I broke ours long before she left. Her leaving was just the inevitable conclusion to something I’d already destroyed.”
I can feel Annie’s attention on me but I keep my eyes on Emma, on the rise and fall of her chest, like a tide.
“I worked all the time. Mornings before she woke up, evenings after she’d gone to bed, weekends when I should have been present.
I was chasing tenure—this brutal gauntlet of publishing and teaching and serving on committees I had no interest in, all to prove I belonged.
And there was money, always money. We had a baby.
Rebecca had cut back her hours with her teaching position.
We were pretty much living on what I made and both our parents had built something from nothing—my parents with the restaurant, hers with their wholesale business—so I felt this pressure to prove I could build something too. That I could provide.”
The confession is easier now, like something that’s been lodged in my throat for months finally working its way free.
“But somewhere in all of that striving, I stopped actually seeing her.” I pause, trying to find the right way to explain it.
“I stopped noticing when she got her hair cut. I stopped noticing when she wore makeup or put on a dress she’d clearly chosen because she thought I’d like it.
I stopped asking about her day in any meaningful way.
She’d talk to me and I’d be thinking about a lecture I needed to prepare or a paper I was writing, and I’d just nod along without actually hearing a word she said. ”
I look up. Annie’s eyes are on me—hazel, that impossible color that refuses to settle, shifting between gold and green and brown.
They remind me of honey held up to afternoon sun, thick and amber and warm.
Of moss growing on weathered bark after spring rain.
Of the forest floor in the early morning when everything living seems to glow from within, when you can see individual leaves catching light through the canopy.
Warm and serious and entirely, devastatingly focused on me.
“You know when you get something new?” I ask.
“A couch, a watch, a suit. At first you notice it. You see it, you appreciate the way it fits into your life. You take care of it because it feels special, worth the effort of protecting. But time does this thing where it makes everything ordinary. Give it long enough and whatever you once treasured just becomes part of the landscape. You stop seeing it as valuable and start seeing it as simply there—furniture, background noise, something that exists without requiring any thought.”
Annie’s expression doesn’t shift but something moves behind her eyes, a flicker of recognition that tells me she knows exactly what I mean.
“That’s what I did,” I say. “I let Rebecca become the scenery. She was right there in front of me every day—making breakfast, doing laundry, putting Emma to bed—and I stopped seeing her as a person who needed attention, care, presence. I stopped seeing her at all.” I look back down at Emma, at her rhythmic breathing.
In and out and in and out and in and out.
“And by the end, before it all fell apart, she was lonely in a way that’s almost worse than being alone.
Because at least alone, you don’t have to watch someone choose everything else over you. ”
My throat closes up. I have to swallow hard and clear it before I can keep going.
“So yes, the cheating was her choice. Bringing someone into our home, into Emma’s life like that—that’s on her.
But everything that led up to it? The disconnection, the isolation, the feeling invisible in her own relationship?
That’s on me. I created the conditions where she felt like she had to look somewhere else to be seen. ”
Outside, the rain intensifies, drumming against the windows. Annie hasn’t moved. She hasn’t looked away. And there’s something in her stillness that feels less like pity and more like she’s holding space for this, making room for the weight of what I’m trying to say.
“You can’t carry all of that yourself, Leo,” she says finally, her voice quiet.
“Can’t I?”
“She made her own choices. You didn’t force her to—”
“I know.” I cut her off gently. “I know she made her own choices. But I think I made it easy for her to make those choices. Or at least easier than it should have been.”
Annie doesn’t argue with that. She just lets it exist between us, this admission of failure that I haven’t said out loud to anyone except maybe Joe, and even then not in this much detail.
“Do you still love her?” Annie asks.
The question catches me completely off guard.
I open my mouth and nothing comes out because the truth is, I haven’t let myself think about it.
Between teaching and Emma’s constant meltdowns and the parade of nannies who have lasted less than a week, I haven’t processed much of anything from the last six months.
I’ve just been surviving. Crisis to crisis, fire to fire, hoping I don’t burn everything down in the process.
“That’s complicated,” I say finally.
“Most things are.”
“I don’t know if there’s a simple answer.
I’ll always have feelings for her—she’s Emma’s mother.
That’s a permanent thing whether I want it to be or not.
But is it love?” I pause, trying to find something true.
“No. I don’t think so. Not anymore. And it’s not just about what she did, though that certainly finished whatever was left.
We stopped loving each other a long time before she walked out.
We just didn’t want to face it. We didn’t want to admit we’d become two people living separate lives under the same roof, sleeping in the same bed, raising the same child, and somehow were still utterly, completely alone. ”