How to Date a Mermaid (Dating 101)

Chapter 1

Marina

There’s always something to be grateful for. That’s what I tell myself as I shift uncomfortably in the front passenger seat of my friend Ashley’s convertible, my mermaid tail flopping to one side. Yes, that’s right. I’m dressed like a mermaid. In a convertible. With my three closest friends, all dressed as sailors, but I’ll get to that in a minute. Right now, I’m focusing on gratitude.

The convertible top is down on this gorgeous California day. I turn my face up toward the sun, squinting so I can see the north tower of the Golden Gate Bridge stretching into the sky above us. The vibrant orange color of the bridge contrasts beautifully with the clear blue sky. My heart jumps happily at the sight of it. I inhale the fresh San Francisco Bay air and smile. It would be a perfect day if we were on the beach or in the park…or anywhere else except stuck in a huge traffic jam with a mermaid tail trapping my legs together in a purple, glittering vice grip.

“Ugh!” Ashley moans from her perch in the driver’s seat, flipping her long, wavy blond hair over her shoulder. “What’s going on up there? We’ve been stuck in this same spot for an hour.”

“Thirty minutes tops,” our friend Scarlet deadpans from the back seat. Ever the realist, Scarlet is the balm to Ash’s dramatic musings.

Seated next to Scarlet in the back seat, our positivity princess Merry tugs at the collar of her sailor suit. “Why didn’t I change before we left? I could be getting some sun. At least Marina’s getting a tan in the mermaid costume.”

I tilt my head back at her. “Redheads don’t tan,” I remind her matter-of-factly, randomly twisting a fiery strand of my long hair around a finger. “And I’m the most ridiculous-looking one in the bunch today, so please don’t envy me.”

Scarlet rolls her eyes at all of us. “The bride’s creepy uncle was looking at Marina like she was a snack,” she offers up with a grumble. “He was completely drunk. It was either get out of there quick or fight him off. He wasn’t worth screwing up my manicure.”

I shake my head and laugh. Of all the events and parties we’ve performed at, engagement parties are my least favorite. There’s always someone crying over their champagne because they’re still single, or worse, there are unruly drunks. The bride’s creepy uncle was trying to get handsy with me. It was appalling on multiple levels, especially when I could barely move in this costume. No speedy getaway for me. Made of sparkly, tight spandex that squeezes my legs together all the way down to my ankles, the mermaid tail only has a small opening at the bottom for my feet to poke through. As a result, whoever wears this thing has to do an embarrassing kind of wiggle-walk in order to get around. Running from creepy uncles? Not happening. And that’s why my three ride-or-dies literally picked me up and ran to the car after our last song, Merry taking bows and waving goodbye the whole way like the ray of sunshine she is.

The cacophony of car horns sounding across the bridge begins to quiet, but from our vantage point, we can’t see why. The mile-long bridge has an arch to it, and we’re on the north side. The deck of the bridge slopes up and blocks our view of whatever the problem is. Not to mention the huge monstrosity of a very fancy bus that’s stopped a few cars in front of us, making our view even worse.

Ashley groans, gesturing ahead of us. We all turn our heads to see several police officers walking between the lanes, gesturing for drivers to open their windows and giving instructions.

“This can’t be good news,” Scarlet grumbles, her perfect blond bob moving with precision as she shakes her head.

“You never know,” Merry chimes in. “Could be good news.”

Ash gives her a look, which is only going to encourage Merry. I try to fight the smile creeping up on my face. If I smile now, it’ll only ensure Merry goes from zero to sixty on the road to Extra Town. Secretly, it’s one of the things I love most about her. She sees the good in every situation.

Several people step out of their cars, stretching their legs and muttering in frustration.

Ashley pulls her long blonde waves up off her neck. “Nope. Definitely not good.”

“I beg to differ. Here comes my next ex-boyfriend,” Merry says under her breath, pointing a finger in one particular officer’s direction. “Hello, Officer Honey Buns…”

I laugh softly and crane my neck to see him. Yep. Exactly her type: blond hair, tan complexion, muscles for days…and the way he fills out that uniform. Wow. He doesn’t smile as he approaches, his eyes hidden behind aviator sunglasses. It’s completely disappointing, because now I can’t tell if he’s noticed the predatory glint in Merry’s eye.

“Ladies,” he greets us as he approaches, eyeing Merry as she brushes her shoulder-length chestnut brown hair away from her face. “As you’ve likely guessed, there’s a pretty bad accident on the south end of the bridge. The tow trucks have just arrived, but we estimate it’ll be another thirty minutes before it’s cleared.”

Ashley grabs her sailor hat off the dash and beats the steering wheel with it while Officer Honey Buns gives her the side-eye. Scarlet whistles sharply, trying to rein her in. Ash shoves the car door open and gets out. The officer looks back at the rest of us.

“We’d like you to stay in your vehicle, but if you do get out to stretch your legs, please don’t leave this immediate area. We’ll come back through to give you an update again soon.”

I do a double take as Merry literally bats her eyelashes at him like Miss Piggy. I stifle a laugh. His eyes dart around to each of us.

“What’s with the costumes?” he grumbles.

Merry’s the next one out of the car, shoving her door closed with a hip and leaning against it with a coy smile aimed at the officer.

“We were singing at an engagement party.”

Officer Honey Buns raises his eyebrows at her.

“We have all kinds of different performances we do,” Scarlet offers as she props her feet up on the backseat. “Sometimes we’re princesses, sometimes we’re show girls…”

He keeps looking between the sailors and me in my mermaid tail. “And…this time?”

Merry points to me. “Marina drew the short straw, so she had to be the mermaid today,” she begins. “We all hate the thing…but it looks great, so we take turns wearing it. Mermaids…or sirens…could lure sailors with the sound of their beautiful voices.”

Officer Yummy smirks. “That sounds a little creepy for an engagement party.”

My eyes flick over to Merry, who is starting to look a little unnerved that he isn’t surrendering to the siren song her ovaries are obviously singing.

I smile up at him from my perch on the front passenger seat. “The bride and groom met on a cruise,” I explain. “Specifically, in the karaoke bar where they ended up singing sea shanties together. So, the bride hired us to perform a few at the party.”

“Yeah,” Ashley chimes in. “Until her creepy uncle got handsy, and we had to make a run for it.”

“Not run , exactly,” Merry offers after Officer Honey Bun’s chiseled jaw twitches. “He just wouldn’t stop bothering her. He was practically drooling, and then he started to touch. So we grabbed our stuff and bolted to the car instead of changing first.”

He nods. “Well, don’t go luring any sailors while you’re on the bridge, okay ladies? Stay close to your vehicle, and we’ll try to get this wrapped up as soon as possible.”

He moves on, Merry watching his departure with wicked amusement.

“Officer Honey Buns could’ve been my next bad decision,” she says with a low sigh.

“Could’ve been?” I ask.

She shrugs. “Too grumpy. He’s more honey badger than honey buns.”

Scarlet giggles in the back seat, and I turn my attention to Ashley as I wiggle around, trying to get comfortable.

“Ash, can you please put the top up so I can get out of this tail? This thing is driving me nuts.”

“Uh…” she starts, looking pensive. “Pretty sure it’s broken.”

All heads whip to face Ashley.

“What? But you put it down this morning,” I say, desperation in my voice.

“Yeah, but it got stuck when it was almost all the way down, so I just sort of shoved it the rest of the way and sat on the lid to keep it inside.” She sighed, biting her lower lip. “I’ll take it to the dealer tomorrow.”

“Daddy’s gonna be mad, Ash,” Merry purred, finally breaking her gaze away from Officer Honey Badger’s departure.

Ashley’s family is wealthy beyond anything the rest of us experienced growing up. Especially me. Although she grew up privileged, she isn’t the spoiled little rich girl people expect her to be. Sure, she still lets her dad give her expensive gifts sometimes, and she can be so incredibly dramatic about the littlest things, but she’s a fierce friend and one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Rather than accept a guaranteed position at her father’s finance company, she went out and earned her teaching degree. Now she teaches third grade and shares an apartment with me in a not-so-great neighborhood in the city.

Scarlet climbs out of the back seat and stretches. Great. Everyone else can get up and move around, but I’m stuck here in these fishy flippers. My legs are starting to sweat.

“This is beyond boring,” Scarlet groans.

“It’s great people watching, though,” Ashley grins, nodding at an elderly woman shuffling around in unicorn pajama pants, lime green Crocs, and a t-shirt that says, ‘If fat adds more flavor then I’m delicious’.

We all glance over and laugh.

“I hope I’m that bold when I’m her age.” Scarlet laughs. “She’s awesome.”

I smile and leave the girls to shuffle around the car in their sailor suits. I’ve spent my entire adult life not being bold. I excel at flying under the radar and avoiding attention. Well, most of the time. I do realize that my current mermaid situation makes that nearly impossible, but we all really need the money we get from these lucrative little side gigs.

More and more people get out of their cars as we wait for the wreck to be cleared. Merry’s doing lunges in front of the car. Ash and Scarlet move next to my door, wondering aloud at what kind of person drives a giant bus like the one blocking our view.

“Probably a Kardashian,” Scarlet mutters. Ash and I giggle.

“C’mon,” Ash objects. “They’re all about first class. They wouldn’t be caught dead on a bus.”

I raise my eyebrows and nod at it. “It’s a pretty first class bus.”

It’s a monster. Something an NFL team might take from the airport for an away game. Shiny black exterior with silver accents and trim. There’s no lettering on the sides or back like it would have if it was owned by a charter company, which tells me it must be privately owned. A few of the windows are open on the side, but the screens are the type you can’t see through. The whole thing screams luxury.

“Maybe it’s Dolly Parton!” Ash cries with a huge smile.

I giggle again. “Wouldn’t she have her face on the bus? I mean…it’s Dolly.”

“Pfft,” Scarlet sputters. “And have crazed fans chasing you down when you’re just trying to go to the store?”

“Yeah,” Merry chimes in from her spot in front of the car. “Because she’d take a whole bus to go to the store.”

I wiggle again in my seat and close my eyes. Gratitude. Gratitude. Grati-freaking-tude.

Merry starts tapping a single rhythm with her knuckle on the car hood, swaying back and forth to the beat. We all look over curiously. Merry is our instigator. Whenever we’re up to something, she’s usually the one who starts it. Scarlet almost immediately squeals and runs over to join her. Now there are two sailors knocking on the hood while Ash and I exchange bewildered looks.

“C’mon, ladies,” Merry growls in a comically low voice, wiggling her eyebrows at us both.

Ashley shakes her head. “You’ve spent too long in the sun, Merry…what are you doing?”

Scarlet starts humming a tune, and a light bulb goes on for me and Ash. They’re thumping out the beat to ‘The Wellerman’, one of the sea shanties we sang at the party.

“We’re bored,” Scarlet cries. “Let’s have some fun!”

Ashley looks at me with raised eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“No way!” I cry out. “You guys, no! I am not singing ‘The Wellerman’ in the middle of a bridge in a mermaid costume. You’re insane.”

Ash runs over to join them and now there are three. Three possibly soon-to-be ex-friends, all swaying back and forth and knocking out the rhythm of ‘The Wellerman’ on the hood of Ashley’s car, looking at me with pleading eyes.

“No!” I whisper-shout with wide eyes that are doing absolutely nothing to make them stop.

Ash thrusts out her bottom lip, which looks ridiculous at any time, but especially with her in a sailor suit. Scarlet giggles, and Merry decides to double down. Welcome to Extra Town.

“You know we’re just gonna get louder until you do the thing,” she says with an evil chuckle. “So c’mon, girl…do the thing!”

People around us have begun to notice the three sailors knocking on the car hood, rocking back and forth to the beat. Curious glances are aimed our way. I cross my arms over my chest and shake my head.

“People are watching!” I argue, knowing how ridiculous I sound. I’m running out of reasons to say no, and they know I can’t resist their ridiculous antics. They know me too well. I make a mental note to make new friends. Boring ones who never sing in the middle of bridges.

Ash rolls her eyes. “People watch us all the time when we perform and you don’t care then,” she argues back. “And you guys call me dramatic?”

A woman and her little girl step closer to see what the fuss is about. Merry, knowing my weakness for all tiny humans, lifts her chin in their direction and mouths ‘For the kids’ at me. Right in my Achilles heel. I’ll remember that. The little girl watches me with curious eyes, and I cave like a house of cards on a windy day.

I heave a sigh of resignation and fling open the car door, prompting all three sailors to squeal and cheer. I pull myself to a standing position and shut the door, my heart skipping a beat when the little girl’s mouth falls open. She takes in the beautiful, sparkly mermaid tail, and the sweetest smile spreads across her face. Her mother grins at me in delight, and I can’t help but smile back. I wave at the little girl, and I’m rewarded with a shy wave in return.

With as much dignity as I can muster, I start wiggle-walking until I’m next to the hood of the car. I jump up and land my left hip on the hood, and Scarlet reaches out and offers a hand to pull me fully onto it. I give the little girl another smile and bend my knees, tucking my feet underneath my right hip. The tale splays out behind me, glittering in the sun. People start moving closer, eager to see what we’re doing.

I give my friends a quick scathing look, and Scarlet sticks out her tongue. I break into a laugh, and they all nod at me. Ready when I am. So much for not calling attention to myself, right? Here we go. I snap myself into performance mode, looking at the people around us as if I’m telling them the most amazing story…and I begin to sing.

“There once was a ship that put to sea,” I begin, paying special attention to the little girl who is now dragging her mother as close to us as she can get. “The name of the ship was the Billy O’ Tea. The winds blew up, her bow dipped down, oh blow my Billy boys, blow…”

“HUH!” Merry, Scarlet, and Ash grunt simultaneously as they launch into a dance and join me in the chorus.

“Soon may the Wellerman come to bring us sugar and tea and rum,” we sing together. The harmony we manage when we sing this song always gets my heart beating fast. As much as I don’t like attention, I have to admit that singing in front of an audience is exhilarating.

More and more people draw near now, but we’re used to an audience. We’ve performed this countless times. Merry turns to the crowd and claps the rhythm over her head with her hands, motioning for them to join her. They do, of course, because we’re all trapped on this bridge together, and everyone is more than happy for a distraction. Heads begin to pop out of the windows of the giant bus ahead of us. I don’t recognize any of them, but they’re far enough away to make it a challenge. I turn my focus back to the crowd.

Gesturing dramatically with my hands, eyes wide, I begin singing the second verse. I sing about the huge whale coming close to the Wellerman, feeding off the energy of my friends as the crowd increases in size.

As we launch into another chorus, the girls begin dancing all the way around the car, making their “HUH!” grunts in time with the song. I look down at my new little friend, whose precious ear-to-ear smile is more than enough to keep me going.

I sing the next verse, telling the story of the whale hitting the Wellerman with its tale and the crew harpooning the whale in return. I lean forward a little, at times addressing my words only to the little girl, such delight shining from her sweet face.

The girls make another lap around the car, dancing and grunting, and I can’t help but break into a laugh. I don’t know if it’s the spontaneity of the performance or the fact that we’re in the middle of one of the most famous bridges in the world, but we’ve all amped up our performances to a Broadway-level experience. The crowd pushes in just as there’s a bit of a commotion at the back. I’m unable to see what might be happening. I just hope it’s not Officer Honey Badger and his friends coming to arrest us for being a public nuisance. That’d be my luck the one time I actually do something spontaneous.

I continue with the next verse. The crowd parts at the back, as if making a path for the whale I’m singing about. I sing about the battle between ship and whale that took forty days .

Do I hear…singing?

Trying not to break the rhythm of the song, I watch the crowd continue to part for someone I still can’t see as I finish the verse and let the girls do another lap around the car during the chorus. Instead of joining in this time, I put my hand up to shade my eyes as I strain to see what’s happening at the back of the crowd. Whatever it is, the audience begins cheering and screaming, smiling and shaking their heads as if they can’t believe what they’re seeing. Cell phones turn in that direction to record whatever’s happening.

I exchange looks with the girls, who’ve also noticed the commotion, but they motion for me to keep going. I definitely hear singing. It’s a man’s voice. Gravelly and rich. And he’s quite good, actually. We’re used to dealing with drunk party-goers creating distractions, so I keep smiling and begin the final verse about the mighty whale and valiant crew still fighting out at sea just as the crowd parts in front of me.

A lone figure steps into the clearing in front of the car where the girls are dancing, and my stomach drops like I’m on a rollercoaster. My heart beats wildly and I stop mid-verse, eyes wide in shock as I look into the smiling face of Zach Adams, one of the biggest indie rock stars of our time, and lead singer of The Royal Rebels. From the collar-length rich, dark brown hair, perfectly trimmed stubble and sexy dark eyes to the fitted black t-shirt and jeans, he looks exactly like he does in every news article and magazine cover I’ve ever seen of him. There’s a power and grace about him that I didn’t expect, especially for a man so big. He’s at least six feet tall and incredibly fit. Muscles are everywhere, and they’re gorgeous. My throat goes a little dry. His eyes are fixed on me as he sings and walks through the crowd. I find myself wanting to slide right off this hood just to be closer to him. The pull is magnetic.

I look up into a sea of cell phones as people everywhere begin recording what unfolds. Suddenly, everything feels like it’s in slow motion as he draws closer to me. He leans in slightly and lowers his voice.

“C’mon, Siren,” he growls with a grin that sends little shivers across my skin. “We have to finish strong.”

He jumps up on the car hood and sits with me just as Officer Honey Badger and several other policemen appear on the edge of the crowd. I feel Zach’s warm, strong fingers close around my hand, and I turn to look up at him. His dark brown eyes meet mine, and he smiles again, nodding with encouragement. He dips his forehead until it’s nearly touching mine.

“Ready?” he rasps with another squeeze of his hand.

I feel a strange calm that I can’t explain. I look down at the girls, who are all grinning from ear to ear in as much disbelief as I am, and I nod.

“Let’s finish strong.” I laugh softly, smiling at Zach as we face the crowd together.

We finish singing the last verse together, and I find myself projecting my voice stronger and louder than ever before to match his. Our voices blend perfectly, and the adrenaline of performing with such a perfect partner hits me full force. It’s one of the most thrilling sensations I’ve ever experienced. Like our energies are not only feeding off each other, but giving the other’s voice more power.

Together, we finish the final chorus with the girls. They don’t circle the car this time. They stay in front of it while we all sing together. Merry motions for the crowd to join in, and many of them do, and the crowd erupts in applause and cheers.

We all burst into laughter at the end, the girls rushing toward us and high-fiving us. Merry gives me a side glance and mouths “O-EM-GEE” at me, and I laugh again, shaking my head in denial. Did this just happen ?

Zach turns to me as the crowd starts calling for an encore. His eyes are like magnets for mine, pulling me in. He looks down briefly, realizing he’s still gripping my hand. He lets go, and I resist the urge to grab his hand again, loving the contact.

“That was incredible!” he says above the noise of the crowd. “Brilliant!”

His gravelly voice and British accent are going to be the last thing I hear before I faint on this hood. This is all too much for me, but I feel myself smiling back at him as if in a dream.

“Likewise,” I say breathlessly, unable to pull my gaze from his.

“Uh, guys?” Scarlet shouts above the noise. I look up and see Officer Honey Badger and the others moving through the crowd authoritatively, gesturing for people to get back to their cars.

The people closest to us begin to push forward, still cheering. Scarlet, Merry, and Ash take bows and instinctively back away from them, making their way to the car and jumping over the doors to get in.

“Oh,” Zach mutters, realizing at the same time as me that we’re about to get mobbed by dozens of adoring fans. He grabs my hand again, standing up and looking down at me. “Let’s get you in the car, Siren.”

I look up at him with pleading eyes. “My legs are pinned together by this tail. A little help?”

He nods and takes my other hand, pulling gently and hauling me to a standing position on the hood of the car. I wobble a little, and he lets go of my hands to grab my waist and steady me. My hands drift up to his broad shoulders on their own.

I look over to find Officer Honey Badger fighting through the crowd toward us as the remaining crowd still chants, “encore, encore, encore.”

Uh oh . Honey Badger is mad. I glance toward the little girl in time to see her mother haul her up on a hip, both of them waving goodbye as they return to their car. I wave back just as a dozen fans reach us. The car lurches suddenly, and I wobble again. Zach’s arms tighten around me as I look up at him with a worried expression.

“Sir, please return to your vehicle immediately,” one of the officers calls to us.

Zach looks down and nods. “Of course, officer,” he says, turning back to me.

He carefully removes his arms and makes sure I’m steady, then he jumps off the hood and offers me a hand. I look down at him, trying to figure out how to best maneuver my way off the hood. I glance behind me to see if I can just sit on the edge of the windshield and drop down into the passenger seat. Nope. No way.

More officers appear, successfully turning most of the crowd back toward their vehicles. I look down at Zach just as the car is jostled again, and I’m knocked off balance. A scream escapes my lips as I go flying off the hood and land squarely in the arms of the world’s biggest rock star.