I will always love you, no matter what you choose in life
28
I had many answers to the question: “What kind of stupid shit can we get into?”
To start things out simply, I acquired us a little extra glitz here and there. That meant getting the both of us an exorbitant collection of some of the things we’d always wanted but could never get ourselves, be it price or accessibility that had stopped us. Jayleen and I could dress however we wanted, decorate the apartment in any array of excellence we desired, and get into any social splendor we wished to.
Be it the hottest clubs or VIP events, none of it was new to me anymore. But to Jayleen, it was foreign and remarkable. Getting to share those experiences with her was like getting to experience them myself for the first time all over again. It was almost like reliving everything Riftan had introduced me to, but through Jayleen.
I bought her the car she’d always wanted, the shoes she couldn’t afford, and every little sparkly thing that caught her eye. Together, we found every trivial object to keep us on cloud nine, and when we started to come down, we’d find something new. It was a more exciting way of life than how I’d been living before, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
I had my best friend with me, and I wanted to spoil her while I could—all the while having more fun of my own thanks to her company. But Jayleen was mortal, and while she still had many years left to live, she did have her own mortal life to experience. She’d age out of this behavior sooner than later, which meant this wasn’t sustainable debauchery, only temporary amusement.
Given the nature of our activities, I was very careful to keep our ventures on the down low. Riftan had drilled the importance of keeping a low profile into my head, and I knew how to do things without raising the notice of the Council or vampire hunters.
The group I was not versed in avoiding was a much more mortal annoyance—the Roufes. That was evident when I noticed Johnny’s goons lingering in the shadows, thinking they were unseen. Such a sighting could mean only one thing, and it was that Jayleen and I had been ostentatious enough to get Johnny’s attention. He knew I was back, and he surely wanted to “talk.” The outcome of such a conversation would either be to make me disappear or force me to take him back—or so he thought—because Johnny Roufe couldn’t let his favorite piece of ass make a mockery of him by returning after all these years without a single word.
Misfortunate for Johnny, there’s no conversation between us that wouldn’t go my way—not anymore. He couldn’t push me around, and no amount of mortal money or power could scare me.
So, I’d made quick work of disappearing from the sight of his goons whenever they thought they’d pinned me down. If I wanted to, I could have run and hid every time I saw a Roufe member. The game would never get old, and it was easy as a vampire to disappear from plain sight. That was my plan going forward—or it had been before Jayleen planted a seed of doubt in my head.
On a Saturday morning,Jayleen skimmed through the news on her tablet, a common morning routine before she went off to class. Out of the blue, she slammed it onto the kitchen table, looking straight at me like I was the cause of her outburst.“Why do you think the immortals in this city let the Roufes get away with whatever they want? If this ‘underground’ is the way you say it is, then shouldn’t they do something about them? The mafia influence has practically burned this city to the ground.”
I nodded to her sentiment, taking a small sip from the coffee I’d recently poured and leaning against the table opposite of Jayleen. “I believe the underground wants the Roufes and their competitors to have a large influence here. It keeps the heat off them and lets them work and live under the very large shadow the criminal activity casts here.”
“Still, wouldn’t it be nice if they used some of their power to at least take control of something? Can’t they pull the Roufes strings from those shadows you speak of?”
“And do what with them?” I was genuinely curious to hear what she had in mind.
“I don’t know.” She threw her hands up in exasperation before slumping into her seat and continuing, “Couldn’t they use some of that influence and money to fix this city up? If everyone wants to rule this city for themselves, then why not make it something worth ruling? Any successful business would know they need to keep their product shiny and new to make any real money or power. Then, maybe they could win the hearts of the people here, too; helping their influence and all the while making life for those who live here a little more bearable at the same time.”
Eying the somber look on her face, I asked, “So who are you saying that’s the responsibility of? The Roufes or the immortals?”
“Well, I haven’t known about immortals for that long, and I always thought that about the Roufes. Now, I don’t know.”
“So, you’ve been thinking about this for a while, huh?”
“There’s never a moment I’m not thinking about this. You remember what it was like to live here as a human, right? We’ve all suffered somehow at the hands of organized crime in this town. Children grow up homeless and on the streets because of the Roufes. Children like you, Leanne.”
I shrugged.
The truth was, I didn’t really remember what it was like living as a mortal. I’d completely forgotten the way it felt to fear for my life if I walked down the wrong street at the wrong time. I’d lost the feeling of mourning every time I heard about another child caught in the crosshair. I wasn’t human anymore, and the same things didn’t concern me like they used to. I wasn’t privy to the influence of any mafia because it didn’t affect me in the underground. I’d lost sight of what ailed my human companions, merely because I was too selfish to see past my own nose.
While I’d changed in many ways, I didn’t want to believe that I’d lost the entirety of my capability for altruism. Being one of those immortals Jayleen suggested should do something about the city’s Roufe problem, I did feel, in some way, accountable for only ever watching from the sidelines. I had so much limitless potential, much like the other immortals who stood by and did nothing, so why not use it in a setting I was familiar with? I knew the Roufes and their inner workings, and with Johnny, I may even have access.
I thought I wanted nothing to do with Johnny, but he’d only live what, forty more years tops? With an infinite number of years left in my own life, it wouldn’t hurt to spend a few pulling some strings. And if that was all it took, then wouldn’t the sacrifice be worth it?
Days after Jayleen’s comment, I’d dropped the idea. It was silly to think for a moment that I wanted to get involved with the Roufes again. Instead, I’d keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities to help make Creswell a better place.
After a coffee date with Jayleen at midday on a Friday, opportunity hit me like a truck. Unfortunately, it was the former opportunity—the Roufe variety.
At the corner of Fifth Street and April Avenue, I was cornered by Roufe goons one and two—of whom I recognized as Carl and Freddy, Johnny’s right-hand guys. Opposed to shadow fading right off the sidewalk in the brightness of day, I decided to see this opportunity through. It’d probably be more interesting than running, and I was curious what could come from the interaction. I lacked the fear this scenario should cause, and without the deterrent of natural selection, it felt more like a game. There was no harm in seeing the next play. Putting my hands up, I feigned an exorbitant naivety. “Hey there, guys, long time no see.”
With a professional level of gruffness, Carl said, “Our boss would like a word with you. Do you mind coming with us, Ms. Cowitz?”
Though saying no was exactly what I should have done, I said, “Don’t be so formal; it’s only me,” with a casualness in my voice that I hadn’t expected. “How could I say no to such a warm welcome party? Lead the way.”
I followed the two large men into their tinted black SUV, and the following familiar ride to the Roufe mansion was quiet. Both Carl and Freddy refused to engage in my small talk. With nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs in the back seat, it was harder to ignore the emotions surfacing as we passed through the tall green forest shrouding the compound.
Crossing the wrought-iron gate made my stomach drop, only because it’d done so, so many times before.
When the car jerked to a stop in front of the white marble water fountain out front, Carl was at my door, ushering me out, and I had to remind myself who I was, and what I could do.
They have no power over you.
Glaring at the two chauffeurs who refused to humor me in conversation, I tipped my head up so high it might have poked the sky. Not waiting for them to lead the way, I strutted toward the mansion’s double doors. Two armed men in expensive grey suits held open the doors for me. Another inside waited to lead me in the right direction.
Tapping through the marble corridor, footsteps sounded in the void, outlining the many suited men I’d adopted as an entourage. Carl and Freddy were close on my heels, and one of the men from the door had joined them. I wasn’t sure if this was the VIP welcome, or the convict’s farewell. Given the stares of everyone we passed, ranging from frightened to curious, nobody else knew what kind of parade this was, either.
As I’d remembered, the walk to Johnny’s office was long and arduous down the main corridor, but it was a straight shot from the front door. Every footfall of my entourage and me rebounded off the rounded roof and marbled floors. Each echo carried an intensity that was both hollow in sound, but dense in significance. I used to think that resonance was the sharp, derisive taunt of my own footsteps laughing at me. Maybe it still was, but I planned to laugh with them this time.
Real laughter came to life in the distance like a manifestation of my heeled boot clicks. Another bubbly laugh—the sound of children’s play—echoed through the halls, losing its volume by the time it’d reached my ears.
I stopped in my tracks, almost obeying the pull on my heart from those little giggles. They were so much more inviting than the situation I was walking into, and there were likely familiar faces behind the laughter. Seeing Johnny’s boys was another pro on the board for agreeing to this interaction.
The thought of going to them was short-lived, destroyed by a grating voice that spoke the words, “My girl.”
My stomach turned, my heart dropping into the acids. Stiffening, I tore my gaze from the hallway where I’d heard laughter and found the one and only rushing toward me from his open office.
One of the men at my back poked me to continue, but I didn’t need to go anywhere. Johnny was already crossing the threshold of his grand double doors, meeting me head on. Ambling forward, he wore the wear of three years on the surface, looking older than the last time I’d seen him. Skinnier, greyer, scruffier. If anything, he may have looked better now that he’d lost some weight, but it’d certainly aged him. He scrunched a tentative brow over the pair of brown, worried eyes that sat recessed in his wrinkled olive skin. “It’s been so long. Where have you been? We were all worried sick when you left without warning.” He was being nauseatingly sweet, reaching up to hold my cheek as though he had an inherent right to touch me as he pleased.
In my heeled boots, I looked down on him, several inches shorter than me. That was why I hadn’t been allowed to wear heels when I was with him. Even in flats, we were about the same height. Even now, in my obvious physical eminence over him, confidence was eluding me, my lungs no longer intaking the necessary air.
He continued in my silence, “Well, it doesn’t matter now. You are back, and that’s what matters. Do you need my help with anything? Do you need money? A place to stay?” He cocked a genuine smile in my direction, his eyes weighed with a concern beyond the kind I knew he had the capacity to fake. It was like he’d forgotten I’d ever left him high and dry in the first place.
I shook my head. “I don’t need anything.” My voice was meager once it finally did leave my trembling lips. “Are you really not mad at me for leaving?”
“Mad? At you? Of course not. I could never be mad at you, my love.”
Time stopped. It was like the birds outside stopped chirping, the clock in his office stopped ticking. My chest ached; those two simple words, my love, pulled the thread from my heart and let it fall back into two pieces. No matter how painful, I loved the beating, and my masochistic heart longed for another. Even if it was from someone as deplorable as Johnny, I wanted to hear him say those two words one more time. Pitiful as ever was the tear that rolled down my cheek.
“Don’t cry, dear.” Johnny’s calloused hand wiped at the moisture that’d fought its way out of my eyes. “I will always love you, no matter what you choose to do in life. If it’s what you wish, I will take care of you now that you are back. I promise you won’t have to worry about anything ever again, my love.”
His words iced my wounds. Their promises kneaded my nervous muscles and restarted my halted lungs. Breathing once again, I nodded, a slave to the comfort provided through his tender delusions. It was a strong enough feeling to think I could put up with anything he put me through, as long as it meant having the opportunity to feel love again. Unlike how it was with Riftan, Johnny would love me back. And I craved to be loved, even if it meant feigning my own love in the process.
Johnny closed his arms around my back, embracing me in a gentle hug before pulling away to pat my cheek. “You can stay here in the house with me whenever you’d like to. I’ll make sure the help has your every need met and the guards know you will be coming and going as you please. Tonight, we will have dinner to celebrate your return.”
I would regret this interaction. Not for its outcome, but for how it happened. Like a pitiful, useless creature, I’d lost my footing, unable to stand up against a pathetic, mortal Johnny Roufe. My heart and my emotions had done all the talking—or lack thereof—and I’d been pushed around, like I’d sworn not to be. He’d hooked me like the guppy I was the moment he said the word love. And whether or not it was weak of me to give in to such a prospect as true—albeit one sided—love, I couldn’t find it in myself to hate the outcome. I was exactly where I needed to be in a game that had only just begun. All I needed was to remember my strength and not let it get buried in emotions.
It wouldn’t hurt to have Johnny giving me the affection I deserved in the meantime. Especially when his form of nostalgic love was what my heart wanted. While he was distracted serving me, I could check his balances and keep an eye on his little business. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly was no crime boss, but a mafia wife could have some pull of her own. And being that I could have Johnny’s mortal mind doing whatever I wanted of him: who better to pull some strings than I, in the shadow of his right hand.