Chapter 36 Holly #2
Yes, I do know, because I miss them both like hell, but I’m pretty sure Luisa and Eli don’t see it this way.
We took advantage of Eli, never truly valuing his talent and commitment.
I never gave him the respect he deserved.
I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wants nothing more to do with me.
And Luisa? It’s pretty clear that she’s falling back into Lone Ranger mode, pushing away anyone who cares about her.
I’m guessing she’ll strike out on her own, find some intense job that sucks up all her time and energy in another city, throw herself into it, and never look back.
I really hope she hasn’t irreparably damaged things with Eli.
Those two are so good for each other. As for me, I’ll respect her wishes if she thinks we can’t be friends.
I just want a chance to tell them both I’m sorry.
“Sucks that it didn’t work,” Aidan continues. “It was a fucking awesome plan.”
“Watch your language, young man,” I snap.
This is a thing I still do with Aidan, and I’m not sure why.
I, of course, curse occasionally, but it feels somehow wrong to let my own kid drop F-bombs in my presence.
I mean, doesn’t that make me a bad parent, or worse, a “cool” parent?
I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to avoid the trap of becoming a “cool” parent.
Wouldn’t want to ruin it all now when I’m out here on the home stretch.
“Anyway,” I say, “it’s quite possible that after Saturday your scholarship will disappear. But I don’t want you to worry.”
“I’m not worried,” he says, but his scared eyes tell a different story.
“I’m making an excellent salary now,” I say. “I can save for your tuition.”
“But I thought you said that dickwad Griggs was harassing you—”
“Language!” I call out again.
He rolls his eyes, then puts the last of the champagne flutes into Joel and Peter’s glass-front cabinet.
“You can’t stay in that job if you’re being disrespected, Ma,” he says.
I lead him to sit beside me at the kitchen table, place a hand, palm-down, on the smooth oak, trying to steady myself for what’s coming next.
Once we’ve settled, I continue, “I’ve taken some time to think about this, and I have a plan,” I tell him, my voice as even as I can manage.
“If I have to leave my job after this all goes down, we’ll ask your dad for money to pay your tuition. I’m sure he’ll be willing to help.”
I’m not sure of anything when it comes to Aidan’s father, but he doesn’t need to know.
Well, I am sure he became a doctor, just as I anticipated he would.
He married shortly after college, a lovely woman from Fort Worth.
As far as I know, he still lives with her and their three beautiful daughters in a stately brick Colonial in Jackson’s old-money neighborhood, and he still attends the church where he once led the praise and worship band.
I’ve cyberstalked him a handful of times, just out of curiosity. I feel certain that Aidan has, too.
“I don’t have a dad.” He looks directly at me, his gaze unwavering. “I have a biological father.”
“Okay,” I say, since I can’t deny this fact. “We’ll ask your biological father for help.”
Aidan leans toward me, wraps my hand in his. I watch as his long, slim fingers weave through mine. “We don’t need his help, Mom. We never have needed it, and we never will.”
My mind races back through all the times we were on the edge of poverty, all the times I desperately needed money, support, someone else to rely on.
But I never resorted to asking Aidan’s father for it, on principle.
He didn’t want a son, and so he doesn’t get the privilege of supporting one.
He knows that Aidan exists. I’ve made sure of that.
But he chooses to ignore this fact, which is fine by me. The man has no idea what he’s missing.
“Here’s the thing, Ma,” Aidan says, squeezing my hand. “You are all the parent I’ve ever needed. You’ve been everything for me.”
I look away, through the kitchen window, as my eyes well with tears.
“Ma,” he says gently. “Look at me, please.”
I turn to look at him, my heart full to bursting. “I’ve never lacked for anything, especially your love. You are a good mom. No, you are a fucking great mom, and a fucking great dad, too.”
I ought to say Watch your language again, but I know that if I open my mouth, all that will come out is a sob. So I nod and smile, holding back the tears.
“You are the most responsible and hardest-working person I know, and the best role model I could ever have,” he continues, his voice rising with intensity.
“You always have been there when I needed you, and you’ve also managed to always do your job well.
You’re fucking amazing and competent and a total boss, and everyone knows it but you, Ma.
” He places another hand over mine, and I feel them both, warm and strong.
“And I’m not gonna ‘watch my language,’ because I want you to understand how much I fucking mean all of this. ”
I laugh then, and somehow manage to squeak out a “Thank you.”
He stands up and pulls me into a hug—not just any hug, but that perfect Aidan hug, the one that swallows me whole and fills me all the way up.
We stay like that for a while. I decided years ago that when my kid hugs me, I’ll never be the one to pull away first. I want him to know I’m here, for as long as he wants or needs me.
And on this particular night, in this particular hug, I feel like I could stay forever.
When Aidan does finally release me, he leans back and a sly grin creeps across his face. “Oh, and also, you’ve raised a fantastic son—kind, loving, responsible, handsome. Potty mouth notwithstanding. Pretty much everyone agrees on this point.” He shrugs, nonchalant.
Cocky bastard. But how can I protest? He’s absolutely right. This boy is my pride and my joy.
“I made a mistake last spring, a big stupid one,” he continues, his voice resolute.
“It doesn’t matter why I did it, I’m not going to make excuses.
I should be ready to accept whatever consequences come my way.
” Aidan places both hands squarely on my shoulders.
“You don’t have to protect me, Ma. I can go to community college, get a part-time job.
We can figure this out.” He squeezes my shoulders gently.
“Whatever happens, the two of us will find a way through it together.” Aidan smiles a crooked smile, then says, “Without the help of my sperm donor.”
And just like that, my sweet boy has become a good man.