Chapter 4. Dragons, Unicorns, and Pokémon Are Not Real
Dragons, Unicorns, and Pokémon Are Not Real
Another day, another failed date to add to my increasingly laughable repertoire of Online Dates from Hell.
“Thanks for coming to get me, Jen.” I pulled out a chair and slumped down in it.
We were at the newly opened branch of Ellie’s bakery, located along the strip of restaurants at the Waterfront, a popular tourist area facing the picturesque Port Benedict Bay.
The place was full, but we managed to snag a table by the window.
The sweet smell of baked goods and the stunning ocean backdrop gave me a chance to finally take a breath after the chaotic lunch I’d just had.
“If you hadn’t arrived when you did, I was ready to march into the restaurant’s kitchen and grab a lighter to set myself on fire.
” I groaned. “Lesson learned, though. Never arrange a date on the same day my car is being serviced.”
My ODOTD had met me at a popular, reasonably priced Thai restaurant for lunch, because I wasn’t risking a repeat of the outrageously expensive date last weekend.
He was polite, a theater buff, listed his karaoke skills as “the best way to a woman’s heart” on his profile, and worked as a sports podiatrist (the thirty minutes I spent researching him on Google confirmed it).
Everything seemed to be going well, until it didn’t.
My date had been distracted throughout the meal, and his eyes kept darting to the tables next to us. I thought it was only nerves, but as we were eating, he suddenly stood up, jumped onto his chair, and started belting out Grease’s “You’re the One That I Want.”
Off-key.
Obviously, the hours he’d put in at karaoke didn’t do him any favors.
Then, to my absolute horror, half the restaurant got up, too, and began dancing in a flash-mob formation.
Sure, flash mobs are fun to watch, and I’d been known to belt out ’80s and ’90s pop tunes at karaoke every now and then.
And while I appreciated the effort he’d gone through, it wasn’t my most favorite way to spend the afternoon, because the other half of the restaurant had their phones up, filming the scene, and I was absolutely mortified.
So I called Jenna while keeping the awkward smile on my face.
She was loitering in a bookshop two blocks away, exactly for emergencies like this, and within a few minutes, had pulled up to the front of the restaurant.
I fled the scene of the crime as the dancing crowd screamed the final note to thunderous applause from the other customers.
“No worries. You’re not lighting yourself on fire on my watch.” Jenna waved at Ellie, who was serving customers behind the counter. “What do you want? I’ll order.”
My phone vibrated in my back pocket. “Just an oat milk latte, please.”
She went to place our orders while I pulled out my phone.
It was a WhatsApp message from my grandfather, sharing a meme about commas saving lives instead of eating grandfathers.
Then he proudly announced that his Instagram followers had been steadily climbing (currently sitting at 137) thanks to constant posts of his woodworking pieces, his gorgeous garden, and his strategic use of hashtags, before sending me a link to his latest reel.
It even had lo-fi beats playing in the background, and the fact that he knew how to make one was mind-blowing, because I wouldn’t even know where to start.
I reposted it to share with all of my twenty loyal followers (who were probably following him at this point anyway), then sent him a reply, reminding him I’d be shopping for groceries tomorrow, and for him to send a list of items he needed.
The two blue checks appeared immediately, followed by an animated GIF of a dancing dog shouting, “Okay!”
“One oat milk latte.” Jenna placed my coffee on the table.
“Thanks.” I took a small sip of the hot liquid, relishing the warmth and comforting taste of coffee in my mouth.
“So. Back to square one, huh?”
“Yeah.” I grimaced. “I need to change my strategy. No more online dates.”
“At least he chose a great song.” Jenna grinned. “Is your grandpa aware of these exceptionally charming men you’ve been seeing?”
“He doesn’t need to know. He’s only going to worry.”
The front door swung open, and Rob and Alec strolled in. Alec went to find Ellie while Rob walked over to our table and pulled out the chair next to mine. He was wearing a charcoal-gray suit and a crisp black shirt, with what looked like a few days’ worth of stubble on his jaw.
“Ladies.” He gave us a nod, then grinned at me. “We must stop meeting like this, Kim. This is, what, twice in eight days? Not that I’m counting.”
“Sounds like you are.” I returned his grin. “Looking sharp, by the way. Got a hot date, or somewhere you need to be after this?”
“No. Went to a church wedding this morning.”
Just then, Ellie and Alec came over. She gave me and Jenna a hug, then peered at me. “How was the lunch date?”
I made a face.
“Another one, huh?” Ellie shook her head in sympathy. “Is he alive? Do you need help hiding his body?”
“He’s fine,” Jenna replied. “He’s probably auditioning for a lead role on Broadway as we speak.” She was chuckling as she recounted the flash-mob story to the others.
“I thought you don’t believe in happy endings,” Rob said to me. “Why do you keep putting yourself through the trouble of going on dates with these awful men? Like that guy who made you pay for the entire dinner?”
Three pairs of curious eyes swiveled his way.
“How do you know she doesn’t believe in happy endings, Rob?” Ellie propped her chin on her hands, as if she was settling in to hear an interesting story. “That sounds like particularly intimate knowledge to have of Kim. I didn’t know you two were that friendly.”
“More importantly, how did you know about her date making her pay for dinner?” Jenna hummed. “Is there something you both forgot to tell us?”
Oops. I told them about the date with Shane but didn’t mention that Rob was there, too, because this was exactly what I was trying to avoid. Ever since Rob became single, Ellie and Alec had been blatantly trying to get the two of us together.
“Kim didn’t tell you?” Rob was oblivious to my subtle headshakes. “I ran into her at the restaurant, and after her date, we had a nice heart-to-heart about happy endings and the joys of being in love. Or in her case, not being in love.”
“But I’m not wrong, am I? You saw what my date did.”
“Yeah, but now that I think about it, the guy did exude BDE, so I was surprised you didn’t see it coming.
” Rob gave me a knowing nod when I raised my eyebrows.
“Big Douchebag Energy. And you know who else oozes that same energy? Your ex. He looks like a self-important piece of work, and I’m not just saying that because he cheated on you. ”
“How do you know what her ex looks like?” Ellie’s eyes widened. “Was Leo there, too?”
Okay, so I might have also skipped that part of the story. “There was nothing to tell. I ran into him and his fiancée, and Rob helped me escape. End of story.”
“Fascinating,” Alec said. “Never thought I’d hear the day that Kim Halim would need someone to save her.”
“She didn’t, really. She was getting up to leave anyway when I came over.” Rob turned his attention back to me. “You haven’t answered my question. If you don’t believe in love, why do you make your life miserable by going on these dates?”
“Because I promised someone important to me that I’d try.
” I glanced at Ellie and Jenna, who knew about Oma’s wishes.
What they didn’t know about was the inheritance clause, because I’d been too embarrassed to tell people about it, even my closest friends.
I had considered telling them, more than once, but I never did, because of how humiliating it was to start with; and I knew they wouldn’t have agreed with my approach.
“My late grandmother wanted me to settle down, to find”—I made air quotes with my fingers—“‘my one true love,’ and I’m doing this to fulfill her request.”
Ellie and Jenna began peppering me with questions about Leo, but Rob was quiet, his hazel eyes thoughtful as he watched me.
“I’m not sure I like that look on your face,” I finally told him.
“This is my thinking face. It means I’m contemplating a brilliant, groundbreaking, Earth-shattering thought—”
I shook my head and kept a straight face. “It’s not a good look on you.”
“—and because I’m a generous human being, I’m willing to share my brilliant idea with you.” He leaned forward, his entire body facing mine. “I can help you find your one true love.”
“It was my grandmother who wanted me to find true love, not me, but go on.”
“I don’t know how my mom put up with my dad,” Rob continued, “but despite their differences, they’re still madly in love even after so many years. It’s sickening sometimes. All my siblings have great partners, and, not to brag, but my longest relationship lasted a few years.”
I drained my latte. “And are those things supposed to make you a relationship expert?”
“Maybe not, but they give me in-depth knowledge of what to look for in a potential partner, because I’m surrounded by happy, loving couples.
So, here’s what I’m thinking: I need to go to all these weddings in the next few months.
I’m allowed to bring a plus-one, so why don’t you come with me?
I can introduce you to some single men there. ”
“What do you mean, ‘all these weddings’?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Let’s be more specific. How many are we talking about?”
He silently counted off his fingers. “The one I went to this afternoon was wedding number five for the year, and it’s only July. I was a groomsman for two of those, and best man for another one.”
“Always the groomsman, never the groom,” Ellie said.