Bonus Chapter
Let’s talk about killing people you know.
I know I said I wouldn’t, but I will.
I guess you just can’t trust a serial killer, eh?
My advice comes with a warning and disclaimer: proceed with caution—you can never truly unknow a thing once it is learned.
When a world has been opened to you, that door can never again be fully closed.
Once you taste the sweetness of killing without consequence, you may not be able to stop. You may not want to.
Now the housekeeping is out of the way, let’s get down to it.
There are many reasons that you might have picked up this book, but I’m going to assume that not every one of you is an aspiring serial killer.
I’m guessing that many of you had a specific person in mind when you reached for this opus of mine.
Disappointment is a terrible feeling, so I’ll try to go a little way toward delivering what I promised you.
People want to kill for all kinds of reasons. Those reasons can’t always be pure, like mine. Killing simply for the joy of it is liberating, but I suppose that you might want to kill your dickhead boss, an abusive parent or people who leave bags of dog shit hanging from bushes.
So, if you want to murder someone you know and get away with it, you need to be especially careful and especially patient.
By far the best way to go about such a murder is to avoid it being labeled a murder at all.
To do this, find your prospective victim’s weakness and exploit it.
You can do this in a variety of ways. It could be very literal, in that you know that they have weak lungs and are prone to asthma attacks while hiking in the heat.
Simple—off to a remote desert location you go, faulty inhaler at the ready.
Allergies are perfect, too—bees, wasps, nuts.
You have it very easy if your chosen victim has such a weakness.
Addictions work well—drug addicts OD all the time.
Alcoholics frequently fall; you can push one down the stairs and it’s likely the police won’t look at you twice.
Even things like diabetes can work beautifully.
Maybe your victim can’t swim—rent a boat and, oops, they fell in the water.
Do your research, then execute your plan.
It’s best if you can make it happen while you’re not even there. Be creative. Have fun.
If your intended victim has no such weakness of the body, perhaps you can exploit a weakness of the mind.
This could be someone’s depression (easy pickings), someone’s ego, their temper, greed, lust, pride, obsession.
If you’re smart about it, you can use any one of these things to create the perfect conditions for murder.
A really great example is Hetty Blister, an American woman who married a famous film producer.
Naturally, he was a philanderer and by some accounts a rapist. Hetty had been made to sign a prenup that would leave her with nothing, so divorce was out of the question.
If he died, however, she got everything, plus a hefty insurance check.
Hetty began extramarital relationships with several men.
She selected them well. They were ugly, stupid and quite poor.
Most importantly, they all had a violent temper.
Hetty had them fall in love with her, then began to “confide” in these men about her husband’s behaviors—his affairs, his beatings, his money that could be hers.
Money that could be theirs. It wasn’t long before one of Hetty’s beaus ran over the film producer with a stolen car.
Twice. Hetty was never implicated in the crime as there was no evidence she ever actively encouraged her boyfriends to hurt her husband.
She lived happily ever after. Persuading one person to kill another, as she did, is a brilliant way to get away with murder.
Obviously, you must take care not to communicate anything in writing.
And don’t ask your dupe outright to kill your nemesis.
Otherwise, you risk being charged as an accomplice.
If your intended victim already has an enemy, or if you can create an enemy for them, that could work.
If you can convince someone with a proclivity to violence that another person has wronged them, one or both could go on to end up dead.
You won’t even be there. You’ll get a phone call one day and find out like that.
Brilliant. Not wholly satisfying, as you’ll have to hear about it secondhand, but it gets the job done.
Paying someone to kill for you is an option, but not one I’d really recommend. If you want to pursue this route to murder, re-read my chapter on the dark web.
Next up we have the self-defense ploy. Basically, you entice the person you want dead to try to kill you.
Unbeknown to your victim, you’ve secretly learned Krav Maga or you have a pet tiger.
I jest. You could very simply have stashed weapons in your home so that when they attack you, they are dispatched swiftly.
To get away with such a murder, you not only need to survive, you also need to demonstrate that your reaction, i.e.
killing them, was proportional, otherwise it’s not self-defense.
To do this, you’ll need to take a few blows yourself and look badly beaten.
Or, the person needs to come to your home armed, and you “end up” killing them in a fight.
Double points if you can set a booby trap or two in advance.
Think Home Alone. The self-defense ploy works really well for women if they can prove a history of abuse or if the victim is already a known criminal, because the police will care less that you killed them.
Then there’s the accident method. Be careful with this one because this is riskier than you might first think.
The best accident to use to kill someone is a fall.
Preferably from a substantial height, such as a cliff or a balcony.
Staircases aren’t fatal enough. Car accidents are very hard to cause nowadays, as modern vehicles are difficult to sabotage.
However, accidentally setting someone’s home on fire or leaving the stove on, causing monoxide poisoning, can work.
But, as I say, in my opinion a fall is best.
In the run-up to the accident, keep a low profile in the person’s life, but keep things on good terms with them.
If you need to spend time with them (your spouse, for example), ensure that it’s a happy experience.
Buy them gifts with your debit card. Book cinema tickets together.
Never, ever arrange an accident for someone who you’ve been seen arguing with recently.
Ensure that there are plenty of recent witnesses of good standing in the community (think doctors/dinner ladies) who can testify that you and the deceased were on good terms last time they saw you together.
Whatever you do, don’t rush things. Wait for the moment when they’re naturally on the edge of something very high and then, poof—gone.
You want their death to be utterly mundane.
Like one of those chapters in a book that people skip or the author doesn’t even bother to include.
Boring and pointless. Hardly worth the effort to write or read about.
Finally, I’m sure you’ve all considered the staged suicide option.
This is a lot harder than it looks and needs careful planning.
It’s much easier if you live with the person (a parent, spouse or child).
If you can persuade them to kill themselves by subjecting them to prolonged abuse, that’d be best. Hanging someone is nearly impossible without a lot of help.
Lacing their liquor with fatal tablets may work but most toxins will show up in a forensics test, so do your research carefully.
The easiest way to stage a suicide is to wait for the victim to fall asleep on the sofa or at their desk, sneak up quietly and shoot them in the head.
I know, who has access to guns these days?
If you are one of the lucky ones, be sure to place the gun in their dead hand afterward and fire it again, as if they had themselves misfired the first time.
This will ensure that the gunshot residue is on their hands.
Take care to wear gloves yourself or take a long, hot bath afterward.
And just like that, we’ve arrived at the end.
I’m sure that, providing you’re not a real dummy, you now understand how to get away with murder.
I really hope you’ve enjoyed reading me.
If so, I’d appreciate top marks—all the stars, please, on , Goodreads or wherever you can.
This is my debut, remember. I’ll only get better, you know.
I hope you’ll hear my voice in your head for many months to come. I hope you’ll miss me. I hope you’ll lie awake at night, wondering who I am, where I am. Maybe I’m your golf buddy. Your uncle. Your friendly neighborhood bobby. I hope you’ll keep me in your heart, and on your shelf.
As you close my book, I wonder what you’ll do next? Turn on the kettle and watch another episode of the latest addictive true-crime series? Personally, I think I’ll take the dog for a nice long walk. To the park, or to the beach.
Maybe.