Chapter 10
Leo
Iam sitting at my therapist’s office. I am considering the reasons I had to book a nine a.m. appointment before work, only to work on the issues I have had all my life.
But I don’t need to analyze this to know the reason.
Nadia is in town, and instead of doing the steps and working through healing like I am supposed to, I chose to spend my night with Noah, the stranger who’s clearly into me.
Why do I do this to myself? I am not open to any romantic relationship, and it’s plain rude to play a guy just because I was feeling sad, lonely, and a little horny.
But... am I playing him really? Or am I playing myself?
“You have been quiet since you came here, Leo, and I doubt you booked this appointment just to sit there and stare at me.” My therapist’s jokes.
This attitude right here is why I have settled on her over the years.
She is calm but polite, and always has a great sense of humor.
It makes therapy almost fun. If you don’t count the fact she is actively poking at everything that is wrong with me.
And that’s okay. Because that’s exactly why I pay her.
“Nadia is in town.” I finally say.
“Now I see why you booked the appointment. Are you struggling with the feeling of guilt again?” She pokes, as she should, and I sigh. Because that’s exactly what’s happening. I am struggling. A lot.
“Yes, I have been.” I admit.
“Are you practicing the techniques we talked about? Writing in your journal, breathing exercises?” She asks in a polite, comforting way.
Nope, I haven’t done any of this, but I did give a blowjob to a guy I know is bound to catch feelings for me in a fucking cinema. I don’t say this. I simply shake my head in a negative way and she smiles. She writes in her notebook, the one with all her notes about my issues.
“I understand it can be hard for you to deal with these feelings, especially with Nadia in town. What I want for you is to call me any time those feelings go toward the path of self-harm.” That only happened once, and I doubt it will ever be an issue.
I am not self-harming, and I have never been.
I have had one incident where I was thinking about it, but after talking to her on the phone, I quickly came to my senses.
Yet she has never let it go since. She will always bring up the fact that she is here, a phone call away if I need her again.
“I will. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, doctor.” I notice the clock; showing our time is up, wasted just sitting here in silence because I can’t figure out how to talk to people, not even my therapist. She says something about our next appointment, but her voice sounds far away, and instead I focus on my breathing as I thank her and exit the office.
I take the small elevator, and a small journey later I find myself in the lobby of the building.
I step outside; the weather is slightly colder today, and my mind drifts to Noah and his leather jacket that he likes to wear.
The fact that he is probably wearing it today, and I wonder how he feels after our night yesterday.
I realize, as I walk to the bar, that I might be as much at risk of catching feelings as he is.