16. Devlin
16
DEVLIN
W hat am I doing? What’s wrong with me?
I only need Blair for the vision. I can’t let her get under my skin.
Oh, I’d like for her skin to be under me, all right.
Stop. It.
I’m replaying what happened back there, trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I lost control. The womb was about to explode. I was afraid that she would die. Maybe not die but be injured.
So I picked her up and shielded her. When I wrapped my arms around Blair, I felt her heart fluttering, felt her body tense against me.
Feelings I suppose a psychiatrist would say that I’d locked inside of me were let go, and I felt.
A lot.
I experienced regret for betraying her, regret that I can’t be with her, sadness that this isn’t the way that I want things to go.
And then something snapped.
I didn’t want to listen to that voice inside of me anymore, the one who keeps telling me what I’m supposed to do. Instead I wanted to listen to a new voice, one that releases me.
So I did.
And when I pulled away, all these damned emotions that I’ve been bottling up, hiding inside of myself, just released like Old Faithful. When I looked at her, all I wanted to do was own her, take her, but I wanted to do it gently.
And I wanted to see if she wanted it, too. If she could begin to forgive me for lying to her, for making her believe in something that never even happened.
Well, guess I got that answer, didn’t I?
Now I’m being tortured for acting on my desires. I can’t stop thinking about how silky her skin was, or about how good her lips felt on mine.
I wonder how they’d feel wrapped around my?—
A knock comes from my bedroom door. Please don’t let it be Blair. My cock’s hard as a rock, and I don’t have a pillow to hide it behind because I’m not in my bed. I’m getting dressed for the ball.
“Come in.”
The door opens and Hands enters. He shuts the door and then stops, facing me.
“Don’t even start,” I say.
You were kissing her.
“I told you not to start.” I slip a link through the hole in my cuff and turn it. “It was an accident. It won’t happen again.”
Maybe it should happen again. I give Hands a hard stare. He pretends not to notice as he makes his way over to my bed and jumps on top of the mattress. This hasn’t seen any action in a while. The springs might be broken.
“The springs aren’t broken, and stop it.”
But you were getting awfully cozy.
I sigh and turn to Hands. “Yes, we were getting cozy. If you’re not nice, I’ll influence you to put on a hat and pretend to be the Hamburger Helper mascot.”
Hands gives me the evil eye, though he doesn’t have eyes, nor is he evil. I’m only telling you what’s obvious.
I sigh in frustration. “What exactly is obvious?”
That you’re in love with her.
“It doesn’t matter what I feel. What matters is her safety.”
Why don’t you let her make that choice?
“No. End of discussion. I’ve made the decision.”
Don’t you think that’s a bit toxic of you?
“Watch it,” I snap.
You have a vision that she dies because of you, and you’ve never even told her. You’ve never given her the chance to decide what she wants.
I tug on my collar and smooth it flat. “And my parents weren’t given a choice, either. But if they had been given one, if I’d known what I was doing and could have stopped them from getting on that plane, I would have. My life would have been different. I wouldn’t have wound up with an uncle who did what he did. Everything would have been different, Hands. All of it. I don’t need you telling me how to live my life and who needs to know what. This is for her own protection, and you’ll do well to remember that. So please, I’m asking for you to drop it. Leave it alone. We can’t be together, and that’s the end of it. What I’m doing for Blair, I’m doing for her own safety.”
My heart feels too big for my chest. Or my chest is squeezing my heart until it’s about to explode. I don’t know which, and I don’t care.
This feeling is too much. I yank open my shirt collar, grab the end of the bed and breathe slowly, letting the air in and out, in and out.
Hands comes over. I’m sorry if I upset you.
“You didn’t.” I’d done it to myself. My own actions anger me. Hurting people, it’s not what I like to do, no matter what Blair would say. I drop my voice. “Hands, I know you mean well. I do. But let me take care of this.
“I’m not going through what I experienced with my parents ever again. If Blair and I get together, the future is clear—she doesn’t have one. I will not stand by and watch her die, not for my own selfish needs. I would rather watch her marry another man than let that happen.”
Hands sags, but he knows that I’m right. What I’m doing, what I’ve done since high school has been the only path. It’s been the correct choice ever since the day I received the vision of Blair dying.
And she died because of me.
So no, thank you, I won’t be the cause of it. Like I said, I care about her too much to let that happen.
I exhale a deep breath and push up off the footboard. “If there isn’t anything else, there’s a ball that I need to get to.”
Hands signs, By all means. Don’t let me stop you.
“I didn’t think you would.”