Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
THEO
She deserves more than I can give her. Evie deserves chocolate, a night on the town, a soft bed, and a head between her legs.
After a cold and rainy work vacation, she deserves something tropical.
I already gave her more than I was supposed to, but I still can’t give her everything she deserves—not without ruining her workplace and my relationship with my best friend.
Instead, I bring her a coffee. She’s usually the one to get me coffee, no matter how often I remind her it isn’t part of her job description, but today she deserves it. I sneak out to a local cafe before she can wake up, and by the time I’m back, she already has her laptop open.
Evie is a hard worker, and I’m sure she wants to focus on her tasks, but God—she is beautiful in the morning. Her hair is in a bun on her head, and she hasn’t put on makeup yet. The soft blue circles under her eyes may indicate a lack of sleep, but they make her look sweeter.
I could fall in love with her sleepy smile if I let myself, but I won’t, no matter how much the sight makes my heart clench.
“I brought you a latte,” I say, forcing my voice to sound even—normal. She needs to think I’m normal, but fuck, I’m not. Touching her one time wrecked me, and I know I can’t ever have a second time. “Coffee here is a little different and a lot less sweet, but I hope you like it.”
“Thank you.” Her voice is raspier in the morning, too. How have I never realized that?
It’s attractive. Hearing her speak tightens my pants, a sign I need to get out of here. Fast.
I set the coffee down and clear my throat. “I’ll be out in the woods for most of the day, but text me if you need anything. Service out there is garbage, but—”
“Really? You’ll be gone all day?”
“I don’t have any meetings, do I?”
“No.” Her smile flickers. “No meetings.”
Evie wants me around. She may not think I’m a terrible guy for what we did, but I do. What she doesn’t know is that I jacked off with her underwear. I pleased myself with thoughts of her, and I want so much more than I can give.
She doesn’t even know her brother made me promise not to let things get this far. I broke a promise to my best friend, and I didn’t even last a day. Pathetic.
It doesn’t matter what she thinks. I know I’m a piece of shit.
“I’ll be back tonight.” I smile softly, trying to reassure her.
A coffee and a smile aren’t enough.
“Do you want me to come with you?” She beams—one of her forced smiles—and I know I messed up.
Evie is back to treating me like we’re in a business meeting. It’s probably for the best, considering we agreed to be professional, but it’s too late. I want a genuine smile. I want her to look at me like I’m special again.
But it’s not fair to want it.
“No. That’s all right.” I go to the door before she can object. “I don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“I doubt that would happen.”
“Better safe than sorry. I’ll be back tonight. I’ll bring dinner—something nice. Text me.”
“Theo—”
I’m out the door, and I don’t let myself wonder what she wants to say.
After a day with the trees, I’ll be grounded enough to set up those boundaries I discussed with Everett… and everything will be fine. I’ll stop thinking about her every time I go to sleep. She’ll move on by the end of the summer, and I won’t miss her—not even a little.
This is fine.
EVIE
Most days, I enjoy having my mornings to myself. The cottage is peaceful. Being here has given me an honest appreciation for nature, from the birds flitting around outside to the smell of the wet air, to relying on a fire for heat.
I may still be the city type, but there’s beauty here, too. That must be why Theo loves living in San Diego. It’s the perfect place where nature and city intermingle.
And there I go again, thinking about him. That’s the problem with being alone today. I can’t stop thinking about him!
I never saw myself becoming the type to wait around for someone to come home, but everything is different now.
It’s different when you want someone the way I want him, and being stuck in this cabin doesn’t help.
What takes up my thoughts isn’t the desire.
No, it’s the fear that I’m ruining everything—my job, our newly blossoming friendship, everything.
Before, Theo was so excited to bring me into the woods, but this morning, he dismissed the idea outright. It’s my fault for being so clumsy—he doesn’t want me to get hurt again. It’s sweet.
Oh, this is all my fault. Everything is. I shouldn’t have sat on his lap, and I definitely shouldn’t be so excited to see him again. Why am I fighting the urge to run outside and meet him?
It’s because he’s walking too slowly. All I can do is ignore what my body wants. He stomps inside, carrying a paper bag.
“Please tell me that’s not hamburgers.” I force my tone to stay light. The last thing I need is to push him away. Theo probably regrets touching me. It’s a strange pill to swallow. Even though he held me, laughed with me, and kept me close after…
It was a mistake in his eyes, wasn’t it?
“It’s not.” He grins and places the food down on the table. “Authentic Finnish food, finally.”
I sit across from him. “And what, exactly, does that consist of?”
We should already know by now, already a week into our trip, but we haven’t had time to eat anything authentic between cooking at home and trying lackluster restaurants. I want to be excited about the experience, but I’m too caught up in my thoughts.
“Pastries, some savory pie, a little salmon. They like salmon here.”
“Sounds yummy.”
He sets out the food, and I wiggle anxiously in my seat, waiting for him to say anything. Anything to break the tension, or even better, to let me know what is happening with us.
I can’t believe I want to ask my boss what we are.
It doesn’t come. We get through the entire dinner with nothing but small talk. He talks about his busy day, chopping down lumber, and tells me everyone was worried about me.
Nothing real. Nothing about us—because we’re not real, not to him. I spent the day forcing myself to be optimistic, but now that he’s here, my stomach sinks lower and lower.
By the time we finish eating, I feel small. There’s nothing to do but clean up—the only thing that can keep me feeling normal, a little semblance of who I usually am. Because this? This is not me. Waiting for some guy to want me back couldn’t be further from me.
“I’m turning in early tonight,” he says. “I’m sore from chopping.”
It’s not as if I can sink any lower. He doesn’t even want to spend time with me. That’s fine. I open my mouth to speak, but—
He’s sore?
“Oh.” I watch him from the corner of my eye. “You are?”
He grunts a confirmation and rubs his arm absentmindedly.
The sound goes right between my thighs. I shuffle to the fridge to put away our leftovers, trying to force myself to stay there—to stay away from him.
I’m fighting myself, and I don’t know which side will win.
Without questioning the decision further, I move closer to Theo, resting my hands on his shoulders.
“As I thought.” I sigh. “You’re so tense.”
He only grows tenser under my touch. “Evie…”
“What? Let me help you out.” I rub his shoulders, and he relaxes, groaning softly. I bite my lip.
“That’s a bad idea.” He slumps over and sighs, pressing his fingers to the wooden table. “But it feels so good.”
“Then how bad can it really be? You helped me out last night.” I chuckle softly. “Giving you a little massage is the least I can do.”
He opens his eyes and turns his head. The lump in his throat bobs. “I know you probably want to talk about that.”
“I don’t.” A lie. “We don’t have to talk about anything. I understand.”
“Do you?”
I nod. “We shouldn’t have done that, and it won’t happen again. Message received.” My hands hang limply by my sides. I step back and swallow, trying to suppress the growing guilt.
We shouldn’t have gone so far. I shouldn’t have let it go that far.
“Evie. Wait.”
He stands, but it’s too late. I’m already crossing the room. Maybe I’m the one who needs to turn in early.
“I said wait.” His voice grows firmer and louder.
“Why should I?” I open my bedroom door. “This is what you want, isn’t it? You want to pretend nothing happened and be professional. Let’s keep doing that!”
“This isn’t professional.”
Which is all my fault. No matter how professional he tries to be, I can’t. I don’t have it in me. “I know! I’m sorry.”
“No. Not you.” His voice becomes harsh, making me freeze in place. “Me. It’s not your fault. You’re not the reason. It’s me—what I feel for you isn’t professional, and it never was. Not even in the beginning.”
I let out a harsh breath.
“I know how this seems,” he says. “You probably think I don’t want you—that I don’t want to touch you—but I do. I touched myself last night.” He winces. “With your underwear. Fuck. I’m sorry. I had to get that off my chest—”
Why does the idea of him jacking off into my underwear turn me on? Theo is always so composed, but I’m the one who makes it impossible for him to hold back. Warmth flushes through me.
“Theo, i-it’s fine,” I stammer. “I like it.”
He groans. “That’s the problem. We both like it, and I can’t keep being close to you, knowing it can’t become anything.”
“Why can’t it?” I hate how pathetic I sound, broken over nothing. It’s as embarrassing as stumbling through the woods was.
“Because you deserve better, and you can have better. Why would it be me?”
I turn to face him finally. “Why not?”
“You know why not.” His nostrils flare. “I shouldn’t feel this for you. I never feel this way for anyone. It’s always been so easy to push it all away. To be on my own. You make it impossible.”
I won’t apologize again, even though the urge is there. Instead, I lift my head higher. “Then stop. You don’t have to be alone.”
I may as well be talking to myself. We may not seem like it, but Theo and I have so much in common—too much. It may doom us, or it may be the thing that makes us work.