Chapter 35
MAfter last night, I thought that I would be fucking exhausted. On the contrary, I am exhilarated, and my energy is renewed. And I have Lana to thank for that.
I want to say that it’s been a while since I have been this obsessed with a woman, but I would be lying my fucking ass off. In my thirty-six years of walking on this earth, I thought I would get my thrills only by killing bad people—that fixation has shifted to the gorgeous woman lying beside me.
I stroke her face while she is still sleeping, and a tremor runs through my chest as I inhale. A sick bastard like me shouldn’t get anything good in life, but here I am. If there is any divine power watching over me, thank you.
I don’t even want to get up because I feel like if I look away for even one second, she would disappear. I want to keep her in my home forever so the horrors of the world don’t cloud her mind, and I might do that.
“Hmmmm.” Lana’s soft murmurs make me smile as I grab her right leg and place it over my hip. The moment I’m drawn closer to her, he wakes up.
“Is your dick seriously pressing up against me?” Lana asks me, eyes closed and in a sleepy tone.
“It is.” I don’t even want to lie about it. “How have you slept?” I ask her as my fingers are still caressing her cheeks. Lana stretches her arms and legs and finally opens her beautiful eyes. Once she sees me, she smiles as well.
I seldom use the word 'cute,' but she is fucking cute right now.
“What are you thinking about?” Her question makes me wiggle my eyebrows. Lana swats my arm, and I feign pain.
“About last night.” She covers her face with her hands, swatting mine away. She is getting red in the face, and I fucking hope it’s not because of embarrassment. A different type of anger is awakening inside of me because I believe she is still hiding behind a facade of innocence and goodness.
I remove her hands from her face and hold them in front of her.
“If you think that you should feel uncomfortable about last night, don’t,” I demand of her.
“M, what we did was monstrous. I had sex with you a couple of meters away from my dead boss.”
“Ex-boss now. And I thought you would have appreciated my present a bit more.”
“What present?” Her question confuses me as I’m definitely talking about her dead boss. Lana catches on and bites her lip.
“That was not a present! You violated every law of humanity. What were you thinking?” I have had enough of this shit. This fucking good girl act needs to drop.
“You.” I move fast, and now she is pinned beneath me.
“Let me fucking go.” Her words might hold some truth, but her body language betrays her. She isn’t struggling to get out of my grip, because she isn’t trying at all.
“Let me ask you this.” She nods. “Why do you deprive yourself of joy?”
“Because it’s depraved.”
“It’s mutual lust, little hummingbird. Isn’t it?”
“Yes, but—” I bend down just a bit and press my dick against her core. Lana pushes herself against me, trying find some friction. This type of intimate contact makes me want to push inside of her this instant, but I wait. She needs to fucking hear me out.
“No buts, Lana. Your body and soul belong to me now, and my soul is hurting.”
“Why?” she asks, all breathless as she keeps rubbing her pussy against my dick.
“Fucking unbridled and unapologetic relief should be flooding through you right now, but it’s not. You are denying that part of you that deserves a place in my heart.” Her facial expression changes for just a second—it goes from lust to panic. What is she panicking about?
“You are still not sure, are you?” My question hangs in the air, and I know I’m not getting a response from her.
“All my life I have been taught to behave and to keep out of trouble.” Lana’s words pierce through me because of how honest she is and how she said it. It feels like she has been holding on to those words for the longest time and carrying a burden that wasn’t hers to take.
I release her from my grip, and I sit up straight and pull her toward me, so she is straddling my lap. And I let her continue with her explanation.
“My parents were amazing people and attentive, but sometimes it was too much.” She looks at me and shakes her head. “Sorry. This may not have been what you were looking for or what you wanted to hear. I am a mess.” This fucking woman.
I place my hands on either side of her face and pull her close to me so I can kiss her. A kiss that is short, but filled with promises.
“Don’t you fucking dare talk about my future wife like that,” I tell her sternly as I pull away from her face.
“Wife, you say?” She raises one eyebrow and gives me a lopsided grin.
“Yes. Continue.” So she does.
“My parents were well aware of how evil the world was, and they wanted to keep me safe. My mama did that until she passed away, and my dad did the same thing.”
“How did you feel during all of that?”
“Sometimes a bit suffocated, yet their love kept me going. At the end of my dad’s life, he was finally letting me into his professional life, and teaching me the ropes, even.”
“What did your dad do?” I already know, but she needs me to listen to her.
“He was in the restaurant business, so he traveled quite a lot. After my mama’s death, he started to trust me more about the business side of things, and I reveled in it.
” And she means it since a huge grin is plastered onto her face.
“And I was good. I helped him write out proposals and stuff, and even though he worked quite a lot, he still showed me love and attention. My dad was my hero, and I miss him dearly.”
“What happened to him?” I ask her.
“He left when I was twenty years old.” She inhales deeply and breathes out slowly. “That love never wavered, yet the constraints of being good started in my childhood and developed into adulthood.”
“I understand, Lana.”
“Thank you. One day, when I was eighteen years old, I b—” Lana’s eyes widen, and she starts muttering some words. “Got beaten up by a man and I scratched his face, and some of his blood was underneath my fingernails.” This story is getting more interesting by the second as I listen intently.
“Once I looked at him while he was clutching his left cheek, I felt euphoric. It then clicked that sometimes pain was equal to pleasure for me.” I don’t think Lana has ever been this honest in her life because she can’t look at me. She is still ashamed about her deepest and darkest desires.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. Conflicted feelings make the void within us bigger.”
“You are pretty wise for an old man.” I know that she is trying to lighten the mood, and I oblige by smiling.
“Old? I’m only eleven years older than you.”
“You dog.”
“Woof woof.”
“Get on the floor, doggy, and listen to your master.” She fucking needs to be in control and not deny herself this part. Her values obviously erode over time, and her necessity to express herself in a deviant manner has been suppressed.
I want to be the fuck toy she can manipulate, do grotesque things to, and I need her to humiliate me. If that’s what she wants.
Even though her tone is full of amusement, her words hold truth.
So I do what I have never done before. I get off the bed and kneel beside it, my head bowed.