CHAPTER XVIII #2
I remain completely still, waiting until Keane finally lowers his hand with a small nod and gives me the okay.
I want to run into him and feel his embrace, but my heavy heart only pounds harder in my chest as I stand in place, unable to do anything but just stare.
We watch eachother silently for a long while, both of our features unreadable as we try to gauge the emotions of the other.
Fuck.
I move to take a step forward but falter, my foot halting mid step as it routes itself firmly back under me. I open my mouth to say something but the words escape me, my lips pulling into a tight frown as I look at him in a complete loss.
How do I even begin a conversation?
Do we ignore this? Does he leave and go back to his room and we don’t bring it up?
Or has the reality finally settled in for him?
I know he told me in his room that he didn’t like to think of his brother and I, but has seeing us interact just now changed things?
Will it be too much for him?
“Alexis,” Keane exhales softly.
His brown eyes wash over mine in kindness, the full of him watching me and noticing my battle of insecurities. I sigh and shake my head, willing that kindness to go away and hating that he’s looking at me with such compassion.
“Don’t,” I plead.
I don’t deserve that kindness right now, don’t deserve his understanding.
Keane ignores my request and takes a step forward.
“Don’t, Keane.”
That shame creeps up again. It’s harrowing in its desperation, making me feel so unworthy that I can’t even look at him.
How can he be walking towards me right now? It’s not right. I can’t even stand to be near him, not with all this guilt that’s pushing out of me. Troy is nothing compared to Keane, nothing, but I can’t stand the reminder that I was ever with him, that I ever let him touch me.
His touch!
“Keane!”
I lift a hand up to stop him, surprised when the Prince halts his steps to stand directly in front of me.
“What do you know of your brother’s summoning?”
Keane frowns at whatever he sees on my face, “I know that it deals in emotions, similar to my father’s.”
“Yes,” I nod, “he reads emotions from people and can feel them as if they are his. I forgot during our conversation and had to quickly adjust.”
“I gathered,” he says softly, brown eyes narrowing on mine, “what’s going on, Alexis?”
I shake my head, not understanding it myself, “he touched me…”
Keane inhales sharply as I continue, “his fingers grabbed my chin. I felt a pull from that touch.”
I look down at the ground in more shame, “it was something similar to yours. It was as if he was pulling desire out of me and towards him, willing me to engage with him. I’ve never felt that before.”
Keane swiftly grabs me into a tight embrace as I break down in anguish.
“The desire wasn’t real. I swear to you, Keane, it wasn’t real! It wasn’t my own.”
“I know it, Alexis,” he grips the back of my head and runs his fingers through my hair.
“You don’t,” I whisper guiltily, “I don’t…”
I don’t deserve your kindness right now.
I don’t deserve you.
“Stop, Alexis,” he commands.
Keane presses my body so tightly into his that I have to still my breaths, my lungs unable to heave the sobs that want to push out. He holds me in his powerful embrace until I let all of the guilt and shame pass through, until the two of us are breathing in sync and my mind is calmer.
“I need you to know,” I whisper into his bare chest, “I need you to know that he has never been in this room. Has never stepped over the threshold.”
Keane exhales and pulls my head back so that I have to look at him.
“You watch me every night at court engaging with the women there, flirting when needed. You watched me your first night in Gaumond when I had my hands and lips on another woman. So do not, Alexis, for one moment, think that I do not feel nor understand the same guilt that you feel right now. And do not think that I will just casually dismiss what we have and what we’ve experienced together over something like this. I know you have no feelings for Troy.”
“Actually,” he smirks, “I know you have a lot of feelings for Troy, and I fear for his well-being when you finally let them all out.”
“You’re unbelievable,” I groan.
“Mhmm,” he leans down so that his lips nuzzle my neck, “and you’re trouble.”
I roll my eyes and feel Keane’s hands drift down my back. His fingers caress below my ass in a now familiar embrace as he picks me up. I curl myself around his waist and let him lead us back to bed, truly wondering what I did in this life to deserve such a man.
A deep tension rises with the morning sun as I stir against Keane.
I wake up to my body once again splayed against his, my leg tossed across his thighs and my arm draped over his chest as if never wanting to let go.
Keane is still deep in his own sleep but his hand is holding onto my arm, keeping it pressed tight to his chest as if not wanting to let go.
I sigh in deep contentment and think of everything that will take place today…
There would be no training. No meet up with Holis and Cal.
Keane mentioned last night that we would see his father just after breakfast, that Desmond would greet Cal, Holis and Mana at the bottom of the Southern Staircase before the five of us ate together in the castle’s kitchens.
He also noted, with a small smile after I inquired, that Alanna would busy herself with Lord Daniel and Barnes at the training fields while we were away.
If all went smoothly with his father, then we would attend and leave court early tonight so that we could travel up to the Palisades to watch Cal’s fight.
It was a perfect plan to set forth, but I couldn’t help but wonder if all of our minds would be too scattered after our conversation with the King to do anything after.
I knew mine would, and I didn’t like the idea of Cal going into a fight with the wrong mindset.
He needed to focus on one thing and one thing only tonight, not dwell on what the ramifications of today’s conversation may bring.
I frown at the thought and will myself to keep a hard, clear mind for the conversation ahead.
We had so much to discuss with Zander, and the anxiety that was routing itself deep inside me was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
It was a nervous and tense feeling, one that burdened the full of my body, but I calmed myself with the notion that what would come would come, and there was nothing left for me to do but to go with it.
I gently pull my arm off Keane’s chest and smile at Stormfall sleeping on the headboard above us. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, much like Keane.
“Golem?” I whisper, looking around the room to find our other companion.
The magical being is nowhere to be seen, but the soft morning breeze billowing in from the balcony lends a perfect indicator as to where he might be hiding.
I quietly move off the bed and pick my robe up off the floor, wrapping it around my body as I head out to the balcony and morning sun. Golem turns when hears me and gives a simple nod, his Discerni features remaining relaxed and unbothered as I move to stand next to him.
“Today’s the day, Golem,” I sigh and lean my head on his shoulder, “I’ll have to give you back to the King.”
Golem remains quiet and unanswering, his gaze turning towards the Bell Grove as I do the same. I let out a deep breath and watch the morning light dance across the small forest, relishing in its calmness and willing its beauty to ease the anxiety that still wants to consume me.
“No more adventures,” I continue sadly.
Golem releases a breath, almost like a sigh, then reaches for my hand and entwines his cool fingers through mine before giving them a small squeeze.
“But we have shared some epic tales together, haven’t we?”
He nods in agreement and squeezes my hand again.
The two of us remain outside for a long while, with Golem holding my hand as I use his shoulder for support. And when the sun finally crests above the Grove I pull away with a sigh, reaching for my magical friend in a tight embrace as I enjoy what may very well be his last day of company.
“Thank you for everything, Golem. Truly…”
Golem pushes me back gently and squeezes my shoulders as we part. His drooping brown eyes give me a look filled with deep affection, one that I feel to the core of my bones as we both share a kindred smile. His gaze flicks over my shoulder with another smile before he turns me around.
“Good morning.”
No matter how many times I’ve seen it, the sight of Keane watching me will always take my breath away. He’s leaning against the balcony opening with his arms folded over his bare chest, his brown eyes darting between Golem and I as a small smile tugs at his lips.
“Good morning,” I let out a breath.
“Do you spend time out here often?” he asks, gaze darting around the small veranda.
“Yes,” I nod. What an odd question...
“To read.”
I walk towards him and jut my chin to the small table and chair in the corner. Keane follows my gaze and nods quietly, his fingers reaching out to my hip and skimming my torso as I walk past him and into the room.
“I’ll need to visit my room in the castle before I meet you in the kitchens,” he says quietly from behind.
I nod and head towards my armoire, remembering the black bed I saw when I visited the royal family’s wing with Desmond.
“We’re not meeting on the fourth floor, are we?”
“You’re familiar with it?” he asks curiously.
“Barely,” I shake my head and look at my clothes, “I’ve only been there once. With Desmond. He brought us to your father’s study for a meeting when he told us of our travel to Pyre.”
“I see,” he replies, “no, we will not be meeting there.”
My hand tenses on a satin gold top. The way he said that last word… as if there is place he didn’t want to be.