Hannah
I watched Dean's trailer in front of me for seven hours, reliving the morning we spent in the bed of his truck. He could have easily left me in the dust, drove straight to Utah without me. But that man kept my pace, stopped once or twice when he didn’t need to, but because he knew that I needed the breaks.
But as the distance between home got smaller and smaller, my heart beat quicker and quicker.
It’s been a while since I’ve been back in Oakley despite my best efforts to push away the memories rooted there.
I found myself pulling my foot off the gas, letting his truck get further in front of me.
Evanston was only about an hour from Oakley, and he had a photoshoot in Park City that he was already cutting close.
I pulled into a gas station and decided to spend the night there before making the short drive to the arena in the morning.
“Hey, girl,” I talk softly to Queen, brushing her down in the trailer before I tuck in for the night.
“I know you can feel something’s off with me.
” Her nose nuzzles against my palm, and my fingers tremble, eyes filling with tears I’ve fought so hard to keep locked away.
“I miss them,” is all I can get out before my body turns on me and releases sobs so hard I have to lean on Queen to stay standing.
Before I know what I’m doing, I grab a fist full of her white mane and haul myself up on her back, laying flat against her and letting my tears make rivers down her side.
She’s all I’ve had for so long, a friend that time will never be able to erase from my heart.
Time slips away, my body stiff and drained.
I make sure Queen has feed and water before locking up the trailer and stepping into my room.
My phone lights up when I plug it into the charger on my bedside table, and a picture of Dean fills the screen.
I smile, remembering how he looked while he slept this morning.
I couldn’t resist snapping a picture of him with the early morning sun streaking his face.
His cheeks and chin dusted with neatly trimmed stubble, the lines on his forehead hardly visible in his relaxed state.
I never sleep well when the date of my parents’ death gets closer.
I wish it had happened in winter. The days then would fit better than sunny, summer days that are always too happy to share with the memory of them being taken too soon.
Each time I woke, I’d tap my screen, see Dean’s sleeping face, and it would help my body relax just enough to fall back asleep for a few hours.
I repeated the process until the passing cars on the highway grew too loud to ignore.
After about half an hour on the road, my heart beat so hard against my chest I had to get out.
Panic seized me and I took the first turn off that I could find, barely making it out of the truck in time to lose my breakfast on the side of the road.
I dropped to the ground, narrowly missing my puddle of sick.
Fresh tears and sobs racked my body, and I let them.
I was sick of holding back my pain, but more than that, I was tired of holding back who I wanted to be.
I wanted to be happy. I wanted to smile and mean it.
I wanted to feel free, to feel fucking home again.
God, I wish I had Dean’s number. I’d give anything to hear his voice on the other end, reassuring me that it would be ok.
Get in the truck, darlin’. Just get here to me.
I could almost hear his voice in my ear, and it was enough to pull me to my feet.
I leaned against the guard rail, taking deep breaths.
I forgot how gorgeous Utah is. The mountains loom around you like a wall trapping you within their giant peaks.
When I was younger, they felt like a cage, but the older I got, the more they felt like a beacon of freedom.
If these mountains could be so ominous yet so breathtakingly beautiful, why couldn’t I?
I walk around the hood of the truck and read the sign off to the side, Union Pacific Rail Trail — Echo Reservoir .
I can’t stop the emotional laugh that bursts from me.
I used to ride this trail with my mom and dad every Sunday when the weather was nice.
“Looks like we’re going for a ride, girl!” I call as I run back to the driver's side. Coincidence or destiny, I’m not sure. But something inside me feels different. I feel a little lighter, like maybe, just maybe, I can get back to the girl I was before I lost them.
I set a new record for getting Queen saddled up and ready to head off on the trail.
The parking lot has a few other trailers parked along the edges and a few cars parked in the lot, so I plan to pass a few other hikers and riders while out.
Queen shifts impatiently as I stand at the tailgate loading up my backpack.
Looking up at the clear blue sky, I pull out my rain jacket and toss it aside.
The trail is a total of twenty-eight miles, which we won’t be completing today.
I plan to ride until a couple hours before check in, and take it slow so I don’t push Queen too hard before our ride tonight.
Tossing in some snacks and my phone, I zip it closed and toss it over my back before swinging onto the saddle and nudging Queen onto the trail.
When the sun gets too hot, I duck us underneath the trees, the sound of water drawing us off the trail.
I watch as a few hikers pass by while Queen drinks from the cold stream and I pull a protein bar from my pack.
Dropping the reins, I pull my phone out.
We’ve been on the trail for about an hour passing through fields of wildflowers, their colors most vibrant before the peak of summer heat wilts them, and the hills turn from bright green to a dry brown.
Counting it out in my head, I figure we can ride for an hour more before turning back and then making the thirty minute drive to Oakley.
My phone still has service, so I snap a few pictures and post one to my social media page before tugging Queen into a slow walk.
Birds sing above us as we meander through the trees, staying off to the side of the trail.
I keep my face tilted to the sun, letting its rays beat down on me, feeling like I’m feeling its warmth for the first time in a while.
A drop lands on my forehead, snapping my eyes open as I look up at the sky. A few clouds have drifted in, starting to crowd out the sun that just moments ago bathed us in a golden midday glow.
“Shit!” Pulling Queen to a stop, I swing my pack around and fumble inside for my phone. When my fingers finally land on the hard edge I yank it out, pulling up the weather app. The screen sits loading for a moment before I realize I’ve ridden outside of reception.
“No, no, no.” Panic starts to sizzle through my veins, just as a rumble sounds in the distance.
Queen is usually calm and steady, but out in the open with a storm rolling in makes me uneasy.
I try to calm my nerves, hoping that Queen doesn’t pick up on the alarm bells ringing in my head.
Storms in the mountains are drastically different.
They can come out of nowhere and turn into a tempest quickly.
Pressing my hands to my head in an effort to stay calm, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to remember what my dad taught me if I was caught in a storm with a horse.
Dismount, stay calm, use your body to shield your horse from the elements if necessary. Avoid open fields, tall objects, and ridges to minimize lightning strike risk.
His voice echoes in my head and I quickly drop down from Queen, taking in our surroundings as another large drop of rain plunks the top of my head.
“We’re good, girl. It’ll pass.” I’m not sure if I’m reassuring her or myself at this point.
We’ve been standing in the trees, not a place we want to be.
A few yards ahead, I can see a break in the tree line leading to an opening into a green, grassed valley.
The closer we get to the clearing, the heavier the rain becomes, dark clouds covering the sun.
In the couple minutes it takes us to reach the valley, the rain is falling in sheets.
I know the trees aren’t safe, but it offers us a bit of shelter from the heavy downpour.
I peek up at the towering pines and make sure we’re standing under one of the shorter ones.
Pulling Queen’s nose into my chest, I do my best to pull my backpack over the two of us, shielding our faces from the cold drops.
“We’re ok, we’re good,” I whisper against her soft nose, my skin pebbling with goosebumps as the temperature drops steadily.
I think of my jacket, laying in a puddle in the bed of my truck.
Shivers take over and my fingers ache with how tightly I grip my pack.
A bright flash strikes the treetops above us, and a rumble that shakes the ground drops me to my knees.
I scream out as the top of one of the taller pines snaps above me.
Queen rears back, her front hoof connecting with my head in the process.
Pain slices across my head, and the world goes black just as I see Queen take off into the clearing, leaving me laying in mud as pine needles and splintered bark rain down around me.