Dean
The only thing we as bronc riders try not to do when we get on the back of a horse is think.
We train constantly to be able to shut our mind off from all distractions outside the chute.
Nothing exists for those eight seconds except us and that horse, connected and ready to give a flawless ride.
I knew from the moment Hannah stormed out of my trailer after my parents showed up that this whole night was completely and totally fucked.
Watching Hannah give her best ride of the summer should have been cause for celebration, instead I watched from a distance as her face lit up with pride.
Then those brown eyes found mine across the dirt and turned cold, reminding me how badly I’d messed everything up.
I felt her eyes on me when I got ready for my ride.
Usually that ignites a competitive spark in me to give her a show, win for my woman.
But tonight, it flooded me with guilt. And no matter how hard I tried to shut my mind off, I couldn’t get the image of her getting dressed in a rush when I stepped back in my trailer out of my mind.
She tried to put on a mask of indifference, but I saw through it to the betrayal that I’d caused.
I told you I loved you. Her words bounced around in my mind even before the gate opened.
And when it did, I couldn’t focus on anything; not the calm that usually settles in my bones when the timer starts counting, not the sound of the horse breathing heavily with each jerk and turn, not even the sound of my heart pounding in my ears could distract me from that one word.
Loved. The last thought that ran through my mind before my face collided with the ground was, does that mean she doesn’t anymore?
That thought still eats at me while I sit across from my family at a quiet diner down the street from the rodeo grounds.
I’ve pictured this moment numerous times over the years that I’ve been away, what it would feel like to sit down for dinner with my family again.
I always felt like it would be awkward, that they would hold some kind of hostility towards me for the way I treated Owen and then disappeared.
But I can’t stop stealing glances at them as they chat about the other rides and how good it felt to watch me ride again.
They don’t linger on the fact that tonight was my worst ride, ever.
My dad keeps blaming it on some bullshit excuse we both know is a lie.
I pictured so many outcomes from this moment, what I didn’t picture was how normal it would feel.
How my heart would ache for the time that I let get in the way of countless dinners just like this one.
“Not hungry, son?” My dad tosses his napkin on his plate, pushing it away before settling his elbows on the edge of the table.
He laces his hands together just like he did when Owen and I were teenagers and he’d have something important to say to us.
I look down at my plate that I’ve hardly touched before setting my fork down and resting against the back of my chair.
I take a minute eyeing my family that sits around me.
My mom has that permanent smile on her face.
She’s always been a ray of sunshine, like she just can’t find a reason to be unhappy.
I feel my neck break out in a sweat, disappointed in myself for ever giving her a reason to be.
Owen looks at me over the brim of his glass, washing down the last of his dinner.
“What is all this?” I say with a tip of my head.
I sound like an asshole, but it’s easier than allowing myself to think that this dinner will end up with any kind of happy ending.
They just wanted to see me. I’ll walk out of here and go back to my life on the road, I think to myself, watching as they look back at me with eyebrows pinched together in confusion.
“Dean, man. We missed you,” Owen says, dropping his shoulders like it’s no big deal.
“Yes, honey. It’s been a while and…” my mom drops her eyes to the table, “I just love you, and wanted to see you.” When she looks back at me, her smile is back in place, but it doesn’t light up her eyes like it usually does.
My dad stays silent, his eyes never leaving mine, and I want to shift in my chair under their weight.
“Cut the shit,” I say, slapping the table in frustration.
Peeking over my shoulder at the surrounding tables, I turn back to my family, running a hand through my hair and blowing out a breath.
“It’s been five years since I’ve so much as said hello to any of you.
” I try to keep the emotion out of my voice as I look between the three of them.
“I ruined Owen’s future, disappointed Mom, and Dad…
” Tears well in my eyes now. “Fuck,” I say hastily, wiping my hands over my face.
“Let me stop you right there.” Dad’s deep and tender voice vibrates through me.
“You aren’t, and could never be, a disappointment to me or your mom.
” Through blurry eyes, my mom nods back at me.
“Nothing you could ever do or say would stop us from loving you, Dean. You are my flesh and blood. Which means you won’t always be perfect.
” This earns a laugh from my mom, her hand resting on his shoulder.
“But one day when you have children, you’ll understand that a few years is nothing but a blink when we have a whole lifetime to be together.
” I’ve only seen my dad cry a handful of times, and tonight is one of those times.
Tears spill down his cheeks, but he doesn’t wipe them away, just lets them fall as if to show me that I don’t need to hide my emotions any longer.
“What happened between you and Owen is between you both. But Dean?” His long arm stretches across the table, his palm open and facing up, waiting for me to grab it back.
“You’re my son, and I love you.” Tears fall freely down my face, and the moment I lay my hand on my dad’s, he wraps his fingers around me.
They feel just as I remember, calloused and rough from days spent working the ranch.
I feel a weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying for the past five years wash off my soul.
“I’m so sorry.” I sob into my sleeve. I don’t feel Owen stand from the table, not until he’s behind me, one arm thrown around my neck, his chin resting on my shoulder.
With a forgiving squeeze, he speaks softly, “We’re good, big bro.
” Years of memories flood through my mind, making my tears fall faster.
We stay like this, one of my hands gripped tightly in my dad’s, the other taken by my mom, while Owen holds my shoulders, shielding me from view while I let the pain and guilt of all those missed moments fall away.
After a while, my tears slow, my eyes red and swollen.
My body aches and my mind is emotionally exhausted.
Owen and Dad sit back in their chairs, but my mom flips my hand over and runs her fingers along the tattoo on the back of my hand.
The last time they saw me, I’d had a bit more skin free of ink.
Most of these I’d gotten while on the road, desperate to feel something, anything.
“A rose, huh?” Her eyes, just a shade lighter than my own, look up at me from across the table.
She still wears her long, blonde hair tucked back in a ponytail at the base of her neck.
A bit more gray than I noticed earlier sprinkled throughout her golden hair.
I try to push aside the nagging feeling that maybe I’m the reason behind her going gray.
Clearing my throat from the emotion threatening to crawl back up again, I say, “Yeah, a rose.” I look back at her smiling.
“Mom’s middle name. You got any ink that represents me on ya?” Owen’s grin makes one of my own break free.
“Actually, yeah,” I say leaning to the side, pretending to roll up my sleeve.
Then I spin towards him and show him my middle finger.
His head tips back and he lets out a loud howl of a laugh, and for a split second, I just sit and watch my little brother.
I’d forgotten how deeply I missed that laugh, the comfort that only a sibling can provide.
Mom clicks her tongue at us, releasing my hand and leaning back in her seat.
“So…” she begins while Owen and I share a look that speaks of unspoken love and a bond that goes beyond past wrongdoings.
“Tell us about that girl you hid in your trailer today.” Her light blue eyes twinkle with mischief, and I have to snap my mouth shut.
Pinching my eyebrows together in confusion, I hide behind a sip of my water. “Not sure what you’re talkin’ about, Mama.” She huffs, rolling her eyes.
“Mmmhmm,” she muses, rolling her lip between her teeth, debating if she should push the subject further.
“That trailer ain’t as sound proof as I think you both believe it is.” My head snaps to my dad, I can feel my cheeks flame underneath the stubble covering my jawline. Scratching at it, I look up at the ceiling, anywhere to avoid the laser beam of shame he’s shooting my way.
Owen saves me from my misery. “That’s actually another thing I wanted to talk to you about.” The hint of hesitation in his voice draws my attention to him. I nod my chin at him to continue. “I um, I’m engaged,” he finally says in one quick breath.
“You’re engaged?” I ask, surprise written all over my face.
I shouldn’t be, I’ve been gone long enough for him to already be married off and have a house full of kids.
He’s only three years younger than me, but the girls always flocked to him.
Owen wipes his hands over the tablecloth, straightening his fork and knife before looking back up at me, nodding.
“Vivi and I met in college, we were both in the same program.” Shit, I don’t even know what he does for work.
His hazel eyes meet mine and he smiles, as if reading my thoughts.
“We were both in the EMT program together.”
“Owen is a fireman for Denver,” my mom says, her eyes full of admiration. Pride blooms in my chest. That explains why he’s so fit.
“And a paramedic.” He says, earning an eye roll from my mom.
My brother reaches over and gives my mom’s hand a squeeze.
“Vivi and I were partners during our blood draw evaluation, she passed out putting the IV in my arm.” No doubt remembering that moment, he absentmindedly rubs his arm, a soft smile making my heart swell for the man who sits next to me.
Then he laughs. “She didn’t get the clamp on all the way, so I had blood running down my arm while she crumpled to the floor.
” The whole table chuckles at the image.
“Needless to say, she dropped the program the same day.”
“But you didn’t drop her.” Waggling my eyebrows at him, he taps his nose twice then points at me.
I stand up and walk over to him, and he meets me in a tight embrace.
“Congrats, man. I’m so happy for you. So.
.” my voice cracks, “fucking proud of you.” He pulls me in tighter and I let him, breathing in the familiarity and peace he’s always given my restless spirit.
Pulling away, he holds me at arm's length. “I’d like for you to be my best man.”
Fuck. I definitely didn’t expect this. Shaking my head, I open my mouth to refuse, but he just smacks my arms and nods his head. “I knew you’d say yes. Thanks, Dean.” Then he sits back down, leaving me standing there while my world tips on its axis.
We spend another hour chatting about the wedding and ranch, thankful that they avoid any more hints at Hannah.
It’s not until my dad starts yawning and Mom shifts stiffly in her chair that I check my watch.
“Shit, it’s late. Y’all need to get home.
” Home . The word rolled so easily off my tongue that it stopped me in my tracks.
The table goes silent, and I look up in time to see the three of them exchanging nervous looks across the table littered with our empty plates and glasses.
“What?” I ask, eyes bouncing around to each of them.
“Dean, honey. I think we’re all just a bit nervous that we won't see you again.” I don’t miss the slight tremble of her hands before she tucks them underneath the table.
“Come here,” I say as I stand, motioning for them all to stand with me.
Then one by one, I tuck them under my arms and pull us together.
“I can’t make up for lost time. I’ll be kicking myself for the rest of my life, for wasting all this time that we could have been together.
But I promise you.” Kissing my mom’s head and holding on to my dad and Owen, I try to get the words out around the ball of emotion in my chest. “I’m here now.
I won’t lose you all again. After this summer, things will change.
I’ll come home.” Dad wipes at his eyes, resting his cheek against my chest. Mom wraps her arms around my waist, crying quietly from her place smashed in the middle of us.
Owen looks at me with misty eyes, then mouths, You fucking better , Before giving me a wink and peeling mom off me.
“You heard the man, let’s get you old folks back to the home.
” My dad shoves Owen’s shoulder as he passes, holding Mom’s hand tightly in his.
I watch them walk towards the door, suddenly feeling too much all at once.
My heart hammers in my chest, begging me to stay.
My mind screams at me to do what we do best, and ride off again.
Hannah comes to mind, and the pain that she walks with every day of not having her parents in this world eats at me.
How could I be so selfish to walk away from the family that has done nothing but love me and lift me up?
So I pull my hat back over my brow and nod to myself.
Never again, I make a mental promise. Never again will I let something so good get away.
Which means I have a shit ton of work to do to get my woman back.