Dean #2
We laid there until the clouds dissipated and the blisters on our palms stopped stinging.
We let the heat wash over us while he told me more about Vivi and the wedding.
They plan to get married at the country club a few miles down the road.
Then he asked me about Hannah, and I told him all about how she’d chipped away at my walls until she had enough room to crawl inside and tame my wild heart.
A silence falls over us after a while, the world starting to wake up around us.
I look over at my brother, arms crossed behind his head.
The morning light frames his profile and I take in the man that he’s become, the guilt that I’ve tried so hard to lock away begins to resurface.
I missed so much of his life, memories and moments that I’ll never get back.
All because I was too selfish to admit I was wrong, too thick headed to recognize my mistakes and take accountability.
I think that’s part of the reason I didn’t tell Hannah about them.
I was embarrassed, afraid that she’d see me as just another person who would run out of her life.
“Did you forget I’m a promised man? You’ve been staring at me quite a lot lately.” Owen’s voice breaks me from my spiraling thoughts. It’s deeper than I remember when I left, but beneath that baritone I still pick up his humor laced in each word.
Sitting up, I place my elbows on my knees, letting my hands hang between them. “Why aren’t you angry with me?” I can’t even make myself look at him, the weight of his eyes on me making me feel smaller than I ever have.
“Do you want me to be angry with you?” I hear him shift in the dirt across from me, flinching at the sound of his hands slapping together to clear the dirt from his palms. “What good has that ever done?” he mutters more to himself than to me.
“I left you.” Finally, I lift my chin and look over at my brother, his eyes looking at the ground beneath him. “Left Mom and Dad.” I choke on the words. “I guess I expected I’d need to fight to have y’all back at some point.”
“You want us to make it hard for you, is that it?” Owen’s voice rises just a bit.
“Give you a reason to leave again?” He jumps to his feet, pacing back and forth while his hands leave dirt scattered through his hair.
“You don’t think we’ve all been angry, that we all have wanted to lay into you and make you feel a small piece of the pain you caused us over the years? ”
I don’t move, don’t stand to argue with him. My ass stays planted in the dirt while I let him have it out. “Yeah, Owen.” He stops suddenly, turning to face me. “That’s what I want.”
“Fuck you, Dean!” he shouts, closing the distance between us with wide strides.
“I’m not gonna let Mom and Dad do that. It has killed me every single day to see them hurting over the years you’ve been gone.
But if you want someone to have it out with you…
” I look up at the sound of his hand slapping against his bare chest. “Then here I am. I’m not a kid anymore, and I’ll give you what you dish out big brother. ”
Standing, I walk up to him, but instead of giving him a fight, I pull him into me, “Tell me how you feel, please. I can’t forgive myself until I know exactly how I made you feel.” Owen’s body stills in my arms, his chest heaving heavily.
“I have forgiven you, Dean. Honestly, I have. I miss the time we didn’t get together, but I’m just content with having you here now.”
“I know you’ve forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself.” Letting those words out feels like an admission I didn’t know was holding me down.
“Dean…” Owen pulls from my grasp and takes a step back, then sits back down pulling a blade of grass from beside him and twisting it around his finger.
“I hated being the only one here, the only one at Sunday dinners and Christmas. I hated holding that burden that I’d be the son to show up and care for our parents.
” I take a seat next to him, our knees resting against each other.
“I was angry at you every time something would happen that I wished I could text or call you about. But I knew I’d never get a response.
” I let my heart bleed while he talks, knowing that once we get it out in the open, the breeze will take it away and I’ll never have to wonder again if he’s really gotten it all off his chest. “I think there will always be a small part of me that will be waiting for you to do it again.” We turn to look at each other, letting the honesty hang between us.
Nodding my head, I reach around him and pull him into my side, just like I did when we were kids. “I promise you, Owen, I’m here now. I won’t make the same mistakes again.”
When the heat became uncomfortable, we loaded up in his truck and made the short drive down the mountain to one of the multiple cabins spread out across the ten acres that has been in my family for generations.
I stare out the window as pines and junipers tower over us.
Rolling my window down, I lean out, breathing in the smell of the trees and fresh air.
The green pastures roll by us in a sea of waving grass that stretches on for miles.
I’ve ridden every hill and trail dotted across this ranch, and for the first time in five years, my mind seems to quiet and my heart feels peace unlike any it’s known, except when I’m at Hannah’s side.
Owen parks the truck in front of the cabin and sits back in his seat.
I turn to him and then face forward, afraid that if I look at him I’ll cry all over again.
Fucking emotions. I need to bottle them back up.
So I take a minute and take in the cabin that was always in a way, mine.
My parents designated a cabin for each of us when we turned eighteen.
Said that if we ever needed somewhere to run to, it better be to home.
The honey colored wood looks like it’s been freshly stained.
A couple Adirondack chairs sit on the small front porch with a pot of overflowing flowers between them.
“They’ve kept it like this since you left,” Owen mumbles, twisting his hands in his lap.
He opens his mouth to say more, but I blurt out an overly loud, “Thank you.” I wince at that ball of gratitude once again clogging my throat.
“I hope I didn’t make you late for work or take you away from Vivi, she’s probably pissed at me. ”
He lets out a bark of a laugh before resting his forearm over the steering wheel and shifting in his seat, his eyes on my profile.
“I don’t go back on shift for two more days.
Vivi is on a girls’ trip to Nashville with her book club or some shit.
” Running a hand over his dirt smudged face, he asks me, “Hannah, she’s important to you? ”
I roll my head to the side giving him a no shit look.
“She’s it for me,” I whisper, staring ahead at the window that looks into the master bedroom.
Knowing she’s laying just beyond that wall has me itching to get inside and see her.
Owen chuckles before pulling out his phone and scrolling through his texts.
I watch a smile tug at his lips as he types out a reply.
When I don’t turn to leave he snaps his head in my direction and motions to the cabin.
“Get the fuck out, I need to call my woman.” Tossing my hands up in defeat, I step out of the truck, turning to close the door.
“I’ll be in when I’m done here, I’d like to make sure she’s alright,” he says with a wave of his hand.
I want to argue, but I concede with a nod of thanks before making my legs take long strides towards the happy yellow door.