Chapter 5
Beautiful Wreckage
I arrive first at Old Tree, a bright red-and-pink sculpture on the High Line, the repurposed railroad tracks-turned-pedestrian parkway that weaves through the Meatpacking District and Chelsea. It will be one of the things I miss if I ever leave New York City. Neighbors came up with the idea. Instead of demolishing the abandoned structure, they rallied to transform it into something beautiful. I want to believe I can do the same with my life.
I have not felt strong enough to see Jared in person since our run-in at the restaurant, but we have texted about today. We both agreed: no big announcements. It’s his parents’ day—Patricia and Liam’s anniversary—not ours. Our goal: hold hands. Smile easy. Keep our history intact. My goal: do not emotionally disintegrate in front of his family.
A ripple of attention moves through the crowd, the kind of collective pause that happens when someone magnetic approaches. I glance around, expecting Jared, but it’s Gavin, cutting a striking figure in a tailored suit, catching the eye of every woman within range. As one of them stops him to chat, he catches my eye and counters my smile with a scowl. Classic Gavin.
Cari, Jared’s younger sister, envelops me in a hug. She’s radiant, as always, but there’s an extra sparkle in her today, possibly powered by the cute guy on her arm. He’s her age, maybe twenty-two, and grinning so wide you’d think he just won the lottery.
Cari is a self-professed romantic, the kind of person who believes in grand gestures and happily-ever-afters, and she wears that optimism like a badge of honor. It’s one of the many things I’ve always loved about her.
“Hello, Ava,” she says, admiring my outfit, a midnight blue jumpsuit that makes me look like I have my life together. “That jumpsuit should be illegal.”
“Oh, this old thing? Arrived on my doorstep yesterday. Pretty sure Gavin got word to your mom that I threatened to bail on their anniversary if I couldn’t find something to wear.”
She glances down at my feet. “And, those are definitely not sneakers. What’s gotten into you?”
“I thought your parents deserved a little glamour.”
Gavin approaches like a cloud blotting out the sun. Cari envelops him in a hug, then steps back and loosens his tie.
“You’re not at work, Gavin.”
“What do you know about work, Little Sis?”
“I work. I happen to only work at things that don’t feel like work.” She turns to her beau. “Gavin, this is Max. Max, this is my bossy big brother, and this is the fabulous Ava.”
Gavin shakes his head at his sister, his lips dangerously close to a smile.
“It’s nice to meet you both,” Max says as he extends his hand for Gavin to shake, then turns to me. “I’ve heard a lot about you, Ava. Read the original Substack, of course, and your work on Pulse.”
“The interview with Ina Garten and Hapa Nom Nom was entertaining,” adds Gavin. Or, at least that’s what it sounds like. Hard to believe Gavin has read anything I’ve written.
Before I can ask him about that, Patricia and Liam approach, holding hands.
“Patricia,” I say, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “Thank you for the jumpsuit. It’s perfect.”
She pulls back slightly. “The jumpsuit?” Her brows lift. “Oh! I may have mentioned to someone that midnight blue would look stunning on you.”
I feel it before I see it—Gavin going very still beside me, like a man who has just been accidentally identified.
“I didn’t send anything,” she continues lightly. “Though I wish I could take credit.”
I glance at Gavin just as his jaw tightens.
A second later, I feel a hand embrace mine. It’s Jared. Standing so close I can feel his warmth. He smiles down at me, squeezing my hand a little harder. “You look amazing tonight.”
His words feel better than they should.
“You, too.”
It’s true. He looks healthy, happy, and slightly mischievous. I almost forget that we pressed pause on us so he could figure out who he is when he isn’t choosing me. It was my idea. Or at least I said it first. I’m not sure which is worse.
“Olivia!” Cari shouts excitedly. We turn to see Olivia striding toward us in a dress that looks like it was commissioned by angels. Her beauty is effortless, luminous, her blonde hair cascading down one shoulder.
One of the most beautiful women in the city shows up for him, yet Gavin doesn’t look the least bit excited.
Jared and I say our hellos to Olivia, then drift behind as Patricia and Liam envelop their future daughter-in-law.
Jared has a half smile dancing on his lips.
“What are you thinking about?”
“It’s nothing,” he says.
“After eight years together, I can tell. It’s something.”
“I’m not sure I should tell you.”
“Puhleeeease. You tell me everything.”
He hesitates.
“I kissed John.”
All sound falls away. I know people are talking around me (I see their mouths moving), and cabs must be honking, and I see a plane fly overhead, but I don’t hear any of it. He kissed someone who isn’t me. His name is John. I feel a lump in my throat. My eyes grow hot and sting. And, as the sound comes rushing back, damn it, I can’t stop the tears that come with it.
I know exactly why I’m crying. I just don’t know how to stop. I was the one who wanted him to explore. But two weeks later, and he’s already kissed someone?
I force fingernails into my palm to distract myself from crying.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have told you. You’ve been so encouraging, and we said we’d still be there for each other. I thought that meant… You’re the first person I want to tell about everything ...”
I wipe my eyes on the back of my sleeve, leaving a lovely streak of mascara. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Jared guides me to a bench.
Across the path, Gavin locks eyes with me just as his parents and Olivia catch up to him. He smoothly points to a sculpture, steering them away from us. He doesn’t come over, and he makes sure no one else does either. He stands there, a steady point on the horizon I can aim my breathing at.
I dig into my pocket and pull out Gavin’s handkerchief. Apparently, he has a habit of quietly giving me things before I know I need them. I had washed it and planned to return it tonight, but now he’ll have to wait. As I wipe my tears, Jared puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me close. His touch is comforting, but it doesn’t hide the fact that I am losing my boyfriend and my best friend. I am not ready to lose him, so I take a deep breath and do what I always do: Be there for him.
“Tell me; I want to hear,” I say.
“Are you sure?” he asks.
That version of me that wants to comfort him and put him first? I don’t know whether to worship her or tell her to sit this one out.
“This is important to you, and we’re there for each other when it comes to the important things.”
I reach for his hand as he starts to talk.
“I wasn’t even sure John was gay, but we sat next to each other at a dinner party and I could feel electricity the whole night … but I didn’t think he was feeling the same thing ... he walked me home, and when we got to my door, he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and he just pulled me into him and kissed me.” His words almost come out gushing.
The look on Jared’s face is blissful. He looks alive. Like something inside him has finally exhaled, like he’s found a piece of himself that was missing.
Could he already be in love?
Somewhere under the ache, there’s a flicker of warmth. This is what I want for him—to feel joy, to feel true. Even if I’m not the person standing beside him when he does.
Before I know it, I am crying again, and I can’t stop.
“Oh, God, Ava, I’m sorry …”
“I … I don’t know what’s wrong with me …”
“Nothing is wrong with you, Ava. You’re perfect. This situation is far from perfect.”
The words are coming out of my mouth before I can stop them.
“Jared, I wanted to be there for you. I thought I could, but I don’t know how to be there while I’m losing you.”