Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
AIDAN
I’ve tried reaching out and giving Joanna an opening to share whatever was on her mind, but she just keeps shutting me down.
When she first proposed our no- strings agreement, it never occurred to me how seriously she would abide by it.
I thought there would be at least a little leeway for sharing, but she truly wants no emotional connection to me whatsoever, and I can’t figure out why.
In a time when I’ve tried my best to be open with other people and new experiences, it’s struck me just how frustrating it is to connect with someone who’s not willing to do the same.
It hurts knowing someone doesn’t trust you enough to show their true self, and Joanna’s tendency to shut me out has placed a mirror up to my own personality, and how I was living.
No wonder there were so many rumors about me being an elusive and moody vampire.
I haven’t given Jamie enough credit for putting up with me all this time.
Though I’ve taken the necessary steps to make that change, I can’t say the same for Joanna.
What’s even worse is I know those feelings she’s bottling up are at least partially about me, which only adds on to the guilt I’m already feeling.
I want nothing more than to alleviate her suffering, if only she’d let me.
I’ve continued throwing myself into research as a distraction.
Though the records in Theo’s library provided no information about whether vampires age when they have a mortal mate, I was able to confirm that bonded donors are capable of withstanding substantial blood loss.
I haven’t fed from an animal in almost a week.
So far, the only side effect is a bit of sluggishness first thing in the morning, and I do get tired throughout the day, but if that’s the extent of it, I’m happy to continue.
I already warned Brenda of my need to double the dose, and our next appointment is in four days.
If I can make it until then, it should be smooth sailing from here on out.
Ever since Joanna asked me to bite her in the movie theater, I’ve been having awful nightmares of watching her bleed out on my sitting room rug, me standing over her doing nothing to stop it.
I wake up startled, heart racing and hands clawing at my chest as I wait for the fear to dissipate.
But then there are the nights I have beautiful dreams, like the two of us lying naked in a bed surrounded by strawberries.
It’s those nights that I sleep like a baby.
The dull ache in my chest at being away from her has become chronic with no remedy in sight save for the obvious answer—being with her.
And staying away from animals has only made my desire for her that much stronger.
It’s more than lust and to call it a crush would be akin to comparing a heart attack to heart burn.
My body craves her in a way I can only describe as otherworldly—just like the journals describing Clara’s connection with her husband.
Joanna’s lingering scent makes my home off limits to me, so I spend all my time at the bar.
Things are coming along nicely now that the renovations are scheduled.
The first major thing being done is gutting the bathrooms. I might have used it as an excuse to close the bar before, but the plumbing truly is outdated and in serious need of a remodel.
I’ve ordered all new sinks and toilets, and simple black speckled tile that will replace the disintegrating red vinyl from the seventies.
My emotions are jumping from anxiousness to excitement, and I can’t figure out which is stronger.
I’m ready for the grand reveal, but I’m also really enjoying the work of putting it all together.
I just wish I could share it with Joanna.
Her opinion of what I’ve chosen to do with my family’s money shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
I want her respect, because I respect her so much.
I’ve seen how hard she works keeping up the farm and taking care of all the animals, and with her mother not there…
The stress of all those responsibilities falling on her shoulders is obviously weighing on her. Perhaps that was why she needed a night of drinking.
I'm assuming they don't have the income to hire help.
Or maybe Joanna doesn't trust anyone with the animals.
With construction in full swing, I'm not needed at the bar, and I would be willing to help, I just don’t know if Joanna would trust me to.
I wonder how she would react if I showed up at the farm out of the blue?
Right now, I don’t really care. I need her to see me, to face me, and ever since reading more about bonded mates, I’ve been itching to confront her with the facts. Though part of me understands her well enough now to know she won’t believe me, the other part of me is too damn determined not to try.
So, later that afternoon, I drive out to Joanna’s farm.
Unlike the first time I came here, she doesn’t look happy to see me.
I know I’m violating her personal space by showing up like this, unannounced, after she practically ran from my house this morning, but my options are limited at this point, and if I don’t get this heavy weight off my chest, I might implode.
She doesn’t open the door when she sees me, just stands there staring, her scowl practically melting the screen door between us.
I match her lack of enthusiasm with a determined look of my own. Either it’s working, or she just feels sorry for me, because in the next second I hear the subtle click of her unlocking the door.
The house is spacious with high ceilings and an open kitchen. She stands next to the island with her arms crossed in a defensive position, ready to deflect whatever I’ve come here to say.
“Look, I’m still hungover, and I’m not in the mood, so whatever this is, can we get it over with?”
I recoil from the sting of her harsh words, but I’m starting to understand that there are two very different sides of the woman I’ve fallen for.
The fun, playful and snarky side I’ve come to know, that’s the real Jo.
But the Jo in front of me now, the one who retreats when things get too complicated and lashes out at those she cares about, is just a facade—a mask she pulls over her face to hide just how scared she really is.
I know this to be true like I know the sound of her beating heart.
“Jo.”
I say her name like it’s a buoy in the middle of a vast ocean. I’m offering her a hand, praying she’ll take it.
“I know this is not what you wanted,” I say calmly.
“Things have changed between us, and I know you feel it too. You’re probably scared and confused, but I would rather you know the truth about what’s happening than continue to watch you punish yourself for feeling something you think you shouldn’t. ”
She tucks her chin into her shoulder and trains her eyes on the floor, away from me. “What do you know about how I’m feeling?”
I take a seat in a small chair by the window and wait for her to dismiss me, but she doesn’t. “I can explain all of that, if you’ll let me.”
Her eyes narrow as she pulls out a chair from the island and sits. She doesn’t make another comment, so I take that as permission to keep going.
“I mentioned something to you on our first night together,” I start. “Do you remember talking about vampire bonds?”
She nods, unfazed.
“I explained the way donors are bonded to my kind, but I also told you about another type of bond. A mate bond.”
Joanna sits up straighter and crosses her legs as she listens intently.
I clear my throat. “I had to do some research, just to be sure, but I can’t deny the signs any longer.”
Her brown eyes peer into mine, hanging on every word, only I can’t tell if she’s anticipating or dreading whatever I have to say.
“I’m aging, Jo,” I tell her plainly. “Those gray hairs you pointed out, they’ve never been there before. I can feel my body changing, like I’ve suddenly rebooted after a long hibernation.”
She crosses her arms again, retreating into herself. “But what does that have to do with me?”
I gaze at her openly, begging for her to see me. “Everything.”
Joanna freezes, momentarily stuck on my choice of word, and I can see the debate going on in her mind as she tries to figure out if I mean it.
Getting to my feet, I take two long strides and I’m standing in front of her. She lets out a gasp, but she’s not afraid. I watch the pulse point on her neck flutter with anticipation. She has no idea what I’m about to do, but she’d let me do it. She trusts me that much, and she can’t even see it.
“You feel it,” I tell her sternly. “I know you do.” I cup her cheek, and she subconsciously turns into my touch. “We fit when we’re together. And we ache when we’re apart.”
She shakes her head and pushes me away. “No. It’s not that simple.
” Her voice is strained, and I’m afraid she’s on the verge of giving herself a panic attack.
“You can’t just know things like that. How can I believe any of this?
I’m a human, Aidan. Shouldn’t I be your next victim?
That makes more sense than being your fucking mate! ”
I’m stunned into silence. I trusted Joanna with my darkest secret, but I never expected her to throw it back in my face like this. Does she think I’m a monster?
My feet backtrack from the kitchen without me realizing it. By the time I reach the door, Joanna’s face has morphed from rage to guilt. She smacks her hands over her mouth as if she could keep the words inside, but they’ve already escaped.
“I shouldn’t have come,” I say quietly.
Her mouth moves, desperately trying to find the right words, but there’s no need. I don’t blame her, I blame myself. I pushed her when I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and now this is what I’ve gotten in return.
I don’t say anything else as I close the door behind me. I just walk down the steps, get into my car, and leave.