Chapter 9 #3
He once told me it was why he liked doing porn and working as a camboy. It gave him the ability to love himself and show himself off with the protection of a screen between him and other people. His viewers only knew the pieces of him he was willing to share, and that made him feel safe.
“Tell me all about him,” he says, clamping his fists under his chin. “I can see it on your face, babe. You like him. You like like him.”
I don’t know what that means, but I never understand half the shit Nico says. It doesn’t matter though. I shrug and nod. “Someone was hurting him. I helped,” I whisper. My throat still feels a little tight, my tongue heavy and hard to move.
“You’re good at that, sweetness.”
Something in me feels warm. I like when he calls me that, and I like when he thinks my very small set of skills is worth something. My family has never let me feel inadequate, even when they didn’t understand me, but everything I’ve ever done has been expected. Under orders.
Saving Nico had been the first time I broke protocol. I wasn’t supposed to be seen, and then I brought home a shaking man who had no idea why he was being hunted down and showed him our life.
The punishment had been swift and severe, but he’s family to all of us now, and my father eventually asked for my forgiveness. I didn’t understand why I needed to give it. Or why he needed it at all.
That was just how we were.
“So,” Nico says, interrupting my thoughts, “I have something to tell you too.”
I look up at him and jerk my chin up.
He takes a breath, then says, “I quit my agency and the production company, and I shut down my personal channel.”
Something races up my spine, like preemptive anger. I want to reach for a knife because Nico loved his job, so him quitting like this must mean someone must have hurt him. And now I will hurt them.
“Relax,” he says when he reads the expression on my face.
“It’s nothing bad. I’ve just been feeling like I need a change, you know?
Like I need to get away from the city for a bit.
I’ve been obsessively watching these travel vlogs about these tiny-as-fuck towns in northern Michigan, and I just… I don’t know.”
I wait a beat when he doesn’t speak again. I can tell he’s working through his thoughts.
“I feel like something like that might be for me. It’ll be weird and lonely, but I don’t know. I think it could also be good for me.”
I wait another beat. So many times, people have ulterior motives when they tell me things. Or they’re saying one thing and mean another. Is this his way of hinting that he wants me to go with him?
I can’t.
There’s not a chance in hell, and that scares me because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and risk losing him.
“Do you think I’m nuts for wanting to do this?”
I open my mouth, but sound is too much struggle, so I lift my hands instead. ‘I think you should do what you need.’
“What if I don’t know what’s good for me?” he asks softly. His eyes are kind of shiny and red, and I’m afraid he’s going to start crying.
I tilt my head to the side. ‘Come stay with us.’
He laughs.
‘I’m serious,’ I sign. ‘Come visit. Think about it here. Talk to M and P.’ The letters are easier than spelling out their whole names. ‘We can help.’
‘Your brothers would hate it,’ his hands argue.
I pull a face because that’s a load of bullshit, and he knows it. He’s one of the only people Milo will accept casual touches from, and Percy adores him. When I give him a look, his shoulders sag, and I can see him give in.
He blows out a puff of air. “Okay. I mean, that does kind of sound good. I really miss you all.”
‘You need money to get here?’
He laughs. “Honey, I have so much money I don’t know what to do with half of it. I put it in investments, and now my money made money, and…yeah. I’m okay.”
I believe him, though I do hope he knows I will give him literally anything he needs. He’s one of the few people I can truly say I love. And I’ve already proven once I will kill for him, so what’s a few hundred grand out of my own savings?
He tilts his head to the side and stares at me for a second. “Hey, you seem a little anxious tonight. Are you seeing your guy?”
I suddenly remember Denver’s in the car, stalking my house, and a little thrill skitters under my skin, sparking like tiny fireworks. ‘Soon.’
“Then I should let you go. I’m wrapping up edits on my last videos before I schedule them, and then I’ll let you know when I’m heading out. You like it there, right? That town you all found?”
I nod my fist once. ‘Yes.’
It’s not a lie, but I can’t bring myself to elaborate. It was a change, which I hated, but it’s quieter, which I love. It disrupted my routine, but my routine needed disrupting.
There’s the promise of peace here. Of time to sit and focus on the things that make me happy instead of following orders, and I like that.
At least, I think I like that.
And I really want to know how Denver will fit in when he figures us all out. Because there’s no denying now, he will eventually figure us all out.
‘See you soon?’ I ask.
He grins at me. “Sweetness, I can’t fucking wait.”