20. Syneca #3
“The night after your twenty-second birthday, you cried in the bathroom for two hours because, aside from Solstice, no one around you knew what December twenty-first was, and you were too proud to tell them. Last spring, you had a panic attack in the crook when a man grabbed your arm. He died for that, by the way. And six months ago, you locked yourself in your room for an entire day after Eda Mire told you your magic was getting sloppy because you were tired.”
Heat flooded my face. Fury and humiliation warring in my chest because, once again, he knew so much, and I, so little. “You have no right—”
“I have every right. We’re bonded. I feel everything you try to hide.” He took another step, backing me toward the wall. “Don’t stand there and tell me you don’t break when I’ve been putting you back together every time you do.”
“Putting me back together?” I laughed but it was so bitter. “You mean controlling me. Manipulating me into bargains. Tricking my grandmother, Silas?”
“I mean keeping you alive when you were too scared to save yourself, and standing right beside you so you were never alone.”
My back hit the wall.
He was right there. Close enough I could see golden flecks in his blue eyes that I’d never noticed before.
“You want to know why I’m asking instead of just reading the bond?
” His voice dropped lower, sliding over me.
“Because I want to hear you say you’re terrified.
I want you to admit that going back to Fuerlis scares you.
That facing Wickett again makes your hands shake and your heart race.
I want you to stop pretending you’re made of stone when we both know you’re bleeding. ”
“I’m not—”
“Say it, Syneca.”
“No.”
He leaned closer, stooping over me to whisper, “Say it.”
“Why?” I shoved his chest. He didn’t budge. “So you can feel superior? So you can remind me how weak I am compared to you?”
“So you can stop carrying it alone.” His hands found the wall on either side of my head. “You’re not weak for being afraid. You’re allowed to break.”
The words fell out before I could keep them to myself, “I don’t want to break in front of you.”
“Too late. I’ve already seen every crack.” His eyes searched mine. “Admit you’re afraid of facing Wickett.”
“No.” The denial was automatic. “He’s played all his cards. There’s nothing left for him to use against me. I’m holding a whole deck he’s never seen.”
“Then why are you shaking?”
I looked down at my hands and found them trembling.
Damn it.
“Because I’m angry,” I said, forcing the words out before I shook my head. “I’m more than angry. I’m fucking livid.”
Silas was quiet for a moment. “Good.”
I blinked. “Good?”
“Anger is better than fear. Anger keeps you sharp. Keeps you fighting.” His hand lifted from the wall, fingers brushing my jaw.
“Fear makes you hesitate. Don’t hesitate with Wickett, Syn.
When you see him again, don’t give him the satisfaction of your fear.
Show him exactly what he created when he tried to kill you. ”
“A Phoenix.”
He shook his head, a ghost of a smile appearing as he leaned his head to mine. “A weapon. One he’s going to regret forging.”
Heat crawled up my spine, but it was the kind that came from being told what I already knew, from being handled like I needed guidance instead of being trusted to find my own way.
From having him stand this close, touch me like he had the right, while still holding control over me through words I’d been careless enough to give him.
I ducked beneath his arm, putting space between us. “Release me from the bargain.”
His expression shifted. The almost-smile vanishing. “No.”
“Come on, Silas.”
“No. You asked me to teach you control. You’re not done learning.”
“I lit the bathroom on fire. I burned your clothes off and shielded my magic. What more do you want?”
He didn’t hesitate for a second. “I want you to survive going back to Fuerlis. And right now, you’re not ready.”
“That’s not your decision to make.”
“It became my decision the second you fell into that bargain.” He moved toward the door, done with the conversation before I was. “Get some rest. We leave before dawn, and you’re going to need every bit of strength you have.”
“Why are you running from this conversation now?”
He paused, but didn’t turn around. “You want me to release you from one bargain while you’re still bound by another that will kill you if you fail. You’ll need people around. You can’t push us all away.”
“You’re the one running. I never asked for any of this.”
Now he did turn, and the look in his eyes made my breath catch. Not anger. Something colder. “I’ll release you from the bargain when I’m certain you won’t get yourself killed the second I do. Until then, you follow my orders. That’s what you agreed to.”
“I didn’t agree to be your puppet.”
“Then you should have been more careful with your words.” He stepped through the doorway. “Dawn, Syneca. Don’t make me come get you. I’ll give you back access to my power when we leave. Your survival may depend on it.”
I stood there, fury and frustration burrowed in my veins, hands clenched so tight my nails bit into my palms. In a few hours, we’d cross back into Fuerlis. Back to Wickett and hunters and a world that wanted me dead for something I’d never chosen to be.
And I’d be doing it while still leashed to a demon who thought he knew better than I did about everything.