Chapter 20
Men = Idiots.
Tonya knew this, of course. She worked with cops, for God’s sake.
Some of the most boneheaded people wore a badge.
And any female in their ranks had to be smarter than the average man just to survive.
But, really, Alan was the bright brain in Gladwin.
Valedictorian, lawyer, and Carl’s right-hand man for years.
What the hell was wrong with him that he couldn’t figure out she was in love with him?
She’d even told him that her grizzly had picked him as her mate.
She’d told him!
But—if she were honest—she’d never actually said she loved him.
Never told him that in addition to their shared childhood, she’d grown to appreciate the man.
Hell, he’d played a starring role in her favorite fantasies.
But when had lust shifted to love? When had desire kicked into please be the father of my baby?
Tonya sighed as she crossed into the parking lot.
She popped the trunk of the car and started dressing with efficient movements.
Alan was a step behind. Silent and sure as he did the same.
And neither of them said a word. After the most magical night of her life, she couldn’t freaking manage to speak to the man she loved.
So who was the real idiot?
Rather than face that question, she checked her phone.
Plenty of messages, none of them helpful.
Not for the first time, she wished crime fighting was like it appeared on TV.
Fingerprints processed in seconds. Email and phones hacked between pauses in dialogue.
If only. Which meant that in the absence of any other leads, it was time to go wake Johnny.
She turned to head to the driver’s seat, but Alan was there before her.
His expression was troubled, his body language tense.
She thought for a moment he was going to demand that he drive for some macho reason.
Instead he just stood there, his face in shadow and his hands awkward as he stroked her arm.
“I’m sorry, Tonya,” he said.
“For what?”
“For not being the man you need.”
She tilted her head in confusion. “What do you think I need?”
“You need...” He cut off his words. “You deserve a man who is in control of his mind and body. You deserve someone who will protect and provide for you and your children. Someone who can be there whenever and however you need him.”
God, he was trying so hard. She could feel it in his entire body, and she sympathized.
She was pretty damn sure that whatever she wanted, he would struggle to provide.
To his very last breath. “That’s not a man, that’s an ideal.
And in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty good at providing for and protecting myself. ”
He nodded and then he stroked her cheek with his knuckle. “Why me?” he finally asked. “You could have any man you want.”
She snorted. “I wish.” Then she tried to express what she was only now just figuring out. “And maybe I want a man who makes me laugh even when we’re both fucked up. Who fights with words instead of fists. Who sticks around because he cares. Not just about me, but about the Gladwins and the world.”
His hand dropped away from her. “Now who’s talking about ideals?”
She pressed a hand to his chest, wishing she could push her words into his heart. “You want specifics? Answer me this. Will you hold me at night when I’m scared?”
His eyes widened at that. “Of course.”
“Will you help me figure out shit when I’ve got no clue?”
“Tonya—”
“Will you fuck me into screaming orgasms and then love the babies we create?”
His eyes blazed at that and she could feel his abs ripple in response. If nothing else, they had chemistry. But she wanted more than that. She wanted him invested in their life together.
“I want you, Alan.” She took a deep breath.
Could she actually say the words out loud?
Could she take the leap even knowing that he wasn’t ready to say it back?
She’d never thought herself a coward, but this was big.
Still, she forced herself to do it. “I love you. I want to build a life with you. I want your children.” There.
All said. And when his mouth opened and no words came out, she sighed.
“I know you’re not ready to hear that. It’s okay.
” She pushed past him. “Let’s go get Johnny. ”
He stopped her just before she opened the car door.
His hand was gentle on her arm as he turned her toward him.
But then he surprised her. She’d barely looked up at him when he swooped down.
He kissed her hard. Not sweet. Not kind.
Not even romantic. He just took her mouth like a man would take a weapon.
With need and possession. As if he wanted to draw its power into himself.
She opened for him immediately. She let him thrust inside and take what he needed. And while he pressed her against the car, she wrapped her arms around him. She lifted a leg and ground against his dick. And every part of her grew wet and needy for him.
He broke away before she was ready. He ripped his mouth from hers and leaned against the car while both their breaths came out in quick pants.
God, no one else could take her from zero to a hundred so fast. And no one else left her aching the way he did.
Because he wanted her just as much as she wanted him.
But he was still lost and there was nothing more she could do to help him come back.
Nothing but wait and pray that he found himself. And her.
“Jesus,” he moaned. “I’m screwed up, Tonya.” She was about to ask why, but then she saw he was looking at his hands where they pressed against the car. Sharp points of claws were there on hands and forearms dark with fur.
“You’ll learn to control it. Even if you can’t love the animal inside, you’ll learn to control it.”
He looked at her, his eyes stormy. “I love your animal. She’s beautiful and fun.”
Her grizzly purred in delight, but her thinking mind knew that loving her wasn’t going to be enough. Because if he continued to despise himself then he’d tear himself apart and her along with him.
She searched for something to say, but words had never been her strong suit.
In the end, she just gestured to the car.
He nodded, not even needing her to explain.
Twenty silent minutes later, they pulled into the gravely disaster that was Johnny’s driveway.
The man had inherited a small farm that grew corn, and that was his only contribution to supporting his family.
His wife, Holly, ran it and raised their children while he drank himself into a stupor most nights.
As they crossed the weedy front yard to the run-down porch, Tonya wondered if the woman thought it was worth it.
She had children and a farm, but had to spend most nights sleeping next to a drunken ass.
Tonya knocked firmly on the rickety door. School hadn’t started yet, so it was no surprise when a girl about ten pulled open the door. She had pigtails and freckles, and she looked at them with narrowed, suspicious eyes.
“Hi, there,” Tonya said with a gentle smile. “I’m Deputy Kappes and I need to speak with your father.”
The girl rolled her eyes. “Good luck with that. He won’t get up for hours.”
“That’s okay. He doesn’t need to be out of bed to talk.”
The kid wasn’t going for it. Her chin jerked up and she kept a hand on the door, probably planning to slam it in their faces. “Mom’s working, and I’m not allowed to let anyone I don’t know inside.”
“You have to. She’s a police officer and I’m a lawyer.
We’re here on official business to talk to your father.
” Alan voice had a gravelly edge. Almost animalistic, and Tonya shot him a quick alarmed look.
Was he on the verge of going monster? She didn’t see it, but her nose twitched searching for his scent.
Clear so far, but damn it, suddenly she was on edge, unsure of her partner in this escapade.
“Want to see my badge?” she offered, going with Alan’s lie. The child didn’t have to let them inside unless they had a warrant. The girl nodded, and Tonya held it out. The girl had to let go of the door to inspect it, which she did with a thoroughness that suggested interest.
“It’s pretty cool to have one of these,” Tonya said casually. “Gives me the right to force people to talk to me. To make them treat others right.”
“And to shoot people,” the girl said, a bit of envy in her tone.
“Only if they’re going to someone.” She waited until the child looked into her face. “I’m not going to hurt your father unless he tries to hurt me first. Or you.”
“Or Mom?”
Well, wasn’t that a telling question? “Or your mom.”
She nodded slowly, stepping back to let them inside. “He’s upstairs.” Then she grabbed a cell phone off the table. “I’m calling Mom.”
Tonya nodded. “Good idea.” Then she and Alan mounted the steps and headed for the sound of heavy snoring.
The man was disgusting, and that had nothing to do with the smell of cat piss that wafted out from the master bathroom.
That was one of the negatives of being a cougar-shifter.
Didn’t matter how fastidious the homemaker, cat pee stank.
But Johnny was just gross. Naked, reeking of cheap beer, and sprawled across his bed in a sad room decorated with yellow wallpaper that had once been pretty.
Tonya was still studying the scene, trying to pick up clues as to how violent the man might get when Alan stepped past her.
His hands were claws, his jaw already jutting forward, but still free of fur.
That meant he was worked up, but not out of control…
she hoped. It certainly looked like he was gaining mastery of his shifter abilities, so she stepped to the side to give him room to work.
He started with a hard slap to Johnny’s face. “Wake up.”