Sesenta
I hadn’t thought about that gun in two years. I knew exactly where it was and how to use it if I had to, gracias, Senora úrsula, but it wasn’t something that I was out here actively thinking about.
It wasn’t always like that, though. I couldn’t fucking take it in the beginning and thought about ending it all, all the time. I locked that shit up, both my emotions and the fucking stolen gun. I felt so much better when I no longer had that shit on me.
I picked it up from a dead gangbanger, and Senora úrsula showed me how to handle it in her living room with the curtains shut and the broken ass blinds pulled down. She agreed to keep it there for me if I did some bullshit errands for her. I had to do them for the abuelas anyway, so I didn’t mind.
I went to the store for her, got her mail, took her trash out, and shit like that. I ended up keeping that piece there until I left. She was leaving too, and got out a few days before the gang unit raid on the block happened.
I did my fucking best to help time that shit right.
I wanted to make sure that she was gone before I flipped on the OGs.
I couldn’t let her get caught up; she was going to take care of her sick older sister down in NOLA, and I know she meant it when she told me to look her up if I got out of the Bronx. Maybe one day I will.
When I lifted that lock box and swiped Amy’s key, I was once again trying to crawl the fuck out of a really bad place.
I wanted to just end it all. Every day felt too hard to live through, and I literalmente kept thinking that I wasn’t supposed to survive this.
It was like I had pushed fate and created my own timeline.
I relied on Hecate y Lilith, y myself. I knew that if I was gonna try to get through this, then I had to stash the piece; I couldn’t have it on me anymore.
It made me fucking anxious having it with me all the time, like it would be so easy to just pull the trigger and get it over with.
At least if I decided to take the percs, I could get my stomach pumped.
A bullet to the brain seemed harder to Uno reverse.
To be honest, I knew I’d be safer without it, kinda like it being outta sight and outta mind. I promised myself I’d only come back for it if shit went sideways. I knew one day I’d need it for protection… y parece que hoy es ese día, and today is that day.
Lo hice, I made it. I put my hands on my knees and try to catch my breath when I finally make it to the back lot of the shelter.
It’s dark, and I’m fucking thankful that I knew how to avoid the motion-sensored lights and that Amy forgot to turn the lights on again.
I lean up against her parked car, and from what I can tell, I made it here undetected. Gracias, diosas.
Hunter keeps calling me, and I cancel call after call. I need to get in contact with Amy first. I take in big gulps of air while trying to fucking breathe. I type out a text to see if she’ll open the back door since I can’t catch my breath.
I ran the majority of the way here, and I need to calm the fuck down so that I can do what I need to do when I get inside. It’s quiet hours, and if I make noise in there, then I’ll be fucked.
I reach behind my body for the side zipper pocket so that I can dig out the key I need, and my hands start to fiercely flap around. I hit myself instead as I try to feel for the bag on my back… but it’s not there. ?No mames, wey!
?Carajo! The one day I didn’t bring my fucking shit with me! I didn’t bring anything. ?NA-DA! Just my phone. I left everything behind! I had literalmente locked my backpack with the key that I need right now in Hunter’s fucking room. The fucking irony. I can’t.
My horoscope was right today; it was as if Hecate herself was warning me.
It said ‘ Something vital slips from your grasp today, Aquarius, though you may not notice until it’s too late.
A task, a promise, or a truth buried in your memory will resurface at the worst possible moment, leaving you exposed.
The more you strain to remember, the more it will twist away from you, hiding in the corners of your mind like a shadow that refuses the light.
Be cautious–what you forget will not be forgiving, and the consequences will not wait patiently. ’
I panicked when I read that ominous message on my app, but Hunter assured me that everything was going to be okay, and I wanted so fucking badly to believe that I could have something good.
I’m fucked in more ways than one right now, because the stars are aligning before my very eyes as headlights illuminate the dark parking lot and my spot at the back stairs.
I’m waiting for Amy to open the fucking door, and I swear the longer that I stand out here, the more I feel eyes on me.
It’s like they’re coming from all directions, but I can’t really tell.
I wish Amy would turn the fucking lights on back here. She never fucking does, so I know it’s mis diosas when they finally turn on in the parking lot.