Chapter 20 #3
“Henderson told me he had to tie you down to keep you from running off to rescue me.” The grin felt so easy and natural he almost doubted he was smiling. “I’d’ve killed him.”
“I couldn’t leave them when they needed me so badly, but I wanted to.
I wanted to.” The black weight of guilt and grief pouring out of her eased slightly as he hugged her and dipped his chin to kiss her hair.
“Every day I wondered if they’d killed you, or if they were torturing you, what they were doing to you.
I could tell you weren’t dead, but I wondered if I was fooling myself, or if… ”
Goddamn. If I’d known… there was nothing I could have done. Nothing she could have done either. “Shhh. It’s all right. You did what you should have.” He stroked her shoulder, her hair. “Just exactly what you should have.”
“I want them to pay,” she whispered. “Sigma. I want them to pay for what they’ve done so that I can get on with my life.”
Oh, Christ. But he didn’t say anything. She needed a sounding board more than anything else, right now.
The guilt had only intensified her determination, but it was still a raw, aching wound.
She’d been putting herself through hell, and she was probably so contained and professional nobody else had noticed.
God knew the entire crew had enough to worry about with simple survival.
It wasn’t like when she’d first arrived and her numb misery had seeped all through Headquarters, making life difficult for everyone. Now she was fully trained, and adept at putting on a brave face.
And he’d been far away while she learned how to fool everyone.
Rowan shivered, a small movement he felt in his own body. He was catching far more of her mood and her private thoughts than she knew. The bond was deeper than he’d imagined—or hoped.
She was contemplating something dangerous. Something was coalescing inside her pretty head, a constellation turning into a plan.
“I want them to pay,” she repeated. “They have to be held accountable. They kill and hurt people and ruin lives, and what they’re doing is wrong. I have to do something about it.”
“We are doing something,” he reminded her. “We’re Society operatives. You’ve caused them a fair bit of damage in the last few months, angel, just by keeping the Society up and running. They’re like dogs chasing their own tails. Sooner or later they’re going to fall. They can’t help it.”
And they can force their operatives all they want, brainwipe ’em, hook ’em on Zed—but it doesn’t stop some from wanting to escape. It didn’t stop me from escaping. Twice, now. His arms tightened.
“But why don’t we ever go after them? At the top? Who’s in charge of the whole thing?”
He sighed. Distract her with something, Del.
“Probably the President. But if you want to know who’s in control of the program, it’s Anton.
” The name sent a slight frisson up his back; he heard the Colonel’s rattling voice again.
You’ve been a very naughty boy, Agent Breaker.
“They call him the Colonel, but I don’t think he ever was one.
He’s got this thing for white linen suits. ” And caning. Plus electroshock.
She snuggled against his side. Del knew he should be getting her something to eat and then getting down to business, finding out what Henderson needed him to do.
But for right now, it was sweet just to lay next to her, soaking in the quiet hum of her thoughts.
He couldn’t decipher exactly what she was thinking, like soft voices in a neighboring room, a seashell murmur.
“Anton.” A sharp flare of complex feeling burst between them. Del smothered a flash of mixed fear and adrenaline; her reaction was tinted orange with… what? Determination? It felt a little off, but she’d just been through the wringer. “Where is he?”
Del shut his eyes. I would really rather not remember. “Zero-Fifteen.” He shuddered. “The worst Sig installation in the country.” The deep nerve center of the rabid octopus that was Standard Integrative Intelligence Growth and Management Agency. Otherwise known as the Black Hole.
Otherwise known as hell. The place where people died, transformed into brain-shattered hulks of Zed addiction and psychic talent.
“Where’s that?”
“New Mexico.” Don’t ask me any more. Please, angel, I don’t want to think about that place.
She didn’t. Instead, she sighed. “We should get cleaned up and get some breakfast. Henderson will want to see us.”
Are you kidding? This is the first time we’ve been alone, really alone, in months. And you’re not in any condition to start wearing yourself out again. You’re still backlashed from facing down Carson. “If there was an emergency, they’d tell us.”
“I’m hungry.” But she didn’t move. Her fingertips traced his jaw, rasping against stubble. “I’m glad you’re here. I thought you were angry, that you didn’t want anything more to do with me.”
“Good God, no. How the hell did you get that idea?” Is that what she was thinking? Jesus.
“I just… You seemed so distant.”
“Me?” He could literally feel his jaw dropping. All he wanted was to get as close to her as possible, for as long as possible.
“Yes, you.” Her soft laugh made him extremely aware that they were indeed alone, lying on a bed, with no pressing emergency happening, no scramble to survive or get to the next hiding place. It was as near to heaven as he had ever wanted to get.
Well, maybe he could get a little nearer. But she was right. They both needed food, and he could feel her headache in his own skull. Now wasn’t the time to show her just how happy he was to be next to her.
Though he was very, very tempted to see if she still made the same sound when he buried himself in her.
He wanted to find out if she still tasted like sunshine, if she would still arch her back and cry out softly when he let his fingers do the walking, and most of all he wanted to find out if it was, like kissing her, better than he remembered.
Still, they were both exhausted, and she felt like her head was going to fall off from the aftereffects of Carson’s psychic attack. He himself was nowhere near fit enough to indulge in any heart-pounding bed games.
But God damn it. If his heart gave out he’d die happy, but he hadn’t done even a quarter of what he wanted to do with her yet. “Distance is the last thing on my mind, angel.”
She sighed, her fingers sliding down to the place in his throat where his pulse beat, leaping out to meet her touch. “We should get breakfast.”
“In a few minutes.” If I can’t have you right now, just give me a few more seconds of having you next to me like this.
“All right.” She made no attempt to move, and for that brief precious span of time, Del was content.