Chapter 27
Rowan fell into a thin, restless vacancy, barely paying attention when the van stopped and everyone leapt out.
Justin took care of everything, ushering her out into the clean chill of a desert dawn.
Wind touched her hair, mouthed her cheek.
Her head was stuffed with cotton; she knew someone was hurt—probably more than one someone—but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything but stare.
The empty Sig van, wiped free of fingerprints and cleared of all Society gear, went over the shoulder, through a gap in guardrails, and took a long sheer fall into a ravine.
The crunches, crashes and tinkling broken glass were very loud in predawn hush.
On the other side of the road, parked far over on the shoulder against the mountainside, were three cars, waiting patiently to spirit Society teams into the distance.
“I’ll take care of it,” Justin said. “Won’t let her out of my sight.”
“Good.” Henderson sounded tired. “I’d hate to have to do this again.”
She winced. It was all her fault, the suffering, the death. She was a plague, tainted everything she touched. All because of her freakish talents.
If I could burn out Anton’s talent, maybe I could burn out my own.
If she did, though, she would be helpless. Once Sigma regrouped, they would be after her. Who knew who would be in control now that she’d destroyed Anton? Or if she hadn’t killed him, would he still be in charge?
Maybe it would be best for everyone if I just… disappeared.
She leaned against Justin, his exhaustion warring with grim determination. His arm was around her, solid and warm, accepting her weight.
Someone grasped her shoulder firmly. “Rowan?”
She raised her eyelids with an effort; stared at Henderson. “General.” Her voice wouldn’t work quite properly. “I’m sorry.” Two words, pale and utterly unable to carry the full burden of her guilt. “If I hadn’t—”
“Stop.” His steely eyes were softer than she had ever seen, and his mouth pulled tight as if he tasted something bitter.
He squeezed her shoulder, almost cruelly.
“We didn’t spot the compulsion, Rowan. It’s my error, not yours—I should’ve known Carson would pull something like that.
Listen, Del’s going to take you north until everything calms down.
Stay with him, all right?” Gentler than his usual briskness, by far.
“Don’t torture yourself. Do you know why we came to get you? ”
She shook her head numbly. Two fat tears brimmed, spilled hotly down her cheeks.
“We never leave one of our own behind, Ro. That’s a promise.” He leaned in, glasses glinting in the pale gray of false dawn. A stain of orange light lingered on the horizon, some desert city. Which one? Justin would know. “You’ve proved yourself time and time again. You’re one of us. Understood?”
She gathered herself. “I don’t know,” she said dully.
Henderson squeezed her shoulder again, his fingers iron. “Sigma isn’t your goddamn fault. They started before you were born, little girl. The only thing you’re guilty of is being a good person, and that’s no crime.” He let go of her. “Stay with Del. Listen to him.”
She nodded. Henderson limped away, leaning on a silent Boomer.
Cath stepped in, kissed her cheek. The smell of Juicy Fruit, gunfire, and strawberry incense clung to the younger girl. “Be safe,” she whispered, with no trace of impatience. “I’m glad we got you out. Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
Yoshi merely bowed, almond-shaped eyes glittering. Brew and Zeke had already taken off, Cath following them to the second car; Yoshi drifted after Boomer and Henderson.
Before he was out of sight, though, his mind brushed Rowan’s briefly, a warm friendly touch, as if they were in the middle of an operation again.
You are a very dear friend, Yoshi said. Be gentle with yourself for a while, Rowan.
Gentle? Her breath hitched in an unsteady laugh. All she wanted to do was find somewhere dark to curl up and pass out.
She was left with Justin, standing on the side of the wide paved road. He guided her from the edge of the ravine as two engines roused, headlights cutting a wide swath through the gray. No traffic, but he looked both ways before leading her across the street to a cream-colored Volvo.
He unlocked the passenger door with a sigh.
“We’ll stop to as soon as we cross the state line, get some sleep.
Afraid you’ll have to wait a little while for a change of clothes.
Cath packed some for you and you can change later, okay?
I’ve got a kitbag for you, so at least you won’t be helpless. We can get coffee in Taos and—”
Her shoulders shook. She couldn’t seem to stop crying.
“Hey.” Now he sounded alarmed. “Christ, Ro. Please. You’re safe now.
I promise you’re safe.” He stuffed the keys back in his pocket and stroked her hair, hugged her, kissed her forehead, might have tried to kiss her mouth if she hadn’t buried her face against his chest, immersing herself in the clean healthy scent of a male just after a hard workout.
She wasn’t sure if he was wounded, couldn’t bear to look up.
He also smelled like night wind, of gunsmoke like Catherine—of course, there had been a lot of fire—and like the only safety she had now.
“Shhh, angel. It’s all right. I’m here.”
How can you forgive me? I left you there in that horrible place. With Jilssen, and with that… that filth. Anton.
She didn’t resist when he opened the car door and pushed her inside to sit, buckling her seatbelt. The smell of a new car filled her acid-tasting mouth. Of course, they drained the old resource net, plenty of funding. Newer cars, nice and clean. We can use them for a while before they get hot.
He dropped in the driver’s seat with a sigh, settling his kitbag on the console. He was pale, his mouth a hard line, eyes glittering darkly. The car started. His hands curled around the wheel, and she saw through the tears blurring her vision that his knuckles were white.
“I am never going to forgive myself,” he said, harshly.
“I’m taking you north. Eleanor’s cleared out the house in Calgary, but we’ll stay somewhere different.
Sigma will never find you, Ro, I’ll make sure they don’t.
If you still want to come back and run operations for the Society we can do that too.
But I am never, ever, letting you out of my sight again.
You decide to go on an op, I’m going with you.
You decide to go civilian and disappear, I’m in.
And if you decide to get out of this car and throw yourself over that cliff, guess who’s going to be right behind you. ”
Her entire body ached. She closed her eyes, her skull rippling with pain. “I killed him.” Her voice was dry as a bleached skeleton. “My mother always said I should use my talent for good.”
“It was good.” Though there was no traffic, he checked the blind spot before pulling out.
His leather jacket made a slight creaking sound, and he passed his hand over his hair again as if forgetting it was cut short.
He looked, as usual, impossibly calm and precise.
“You got rid of a fucking plague upon the earth, angel. Believe me, I know how you feel. I can’t touch anyone’s mind without killing them or driving them fucking mad.
Anton trained me by hooking me on Zed. I couldn’t get my hit until I broke some poor bastard to the appropriate degree.
More often than not, they were used for target practice afterward.
” The car moved smoothly, tires whispering.
“I just wish I would’ve been there to kill him so you didn’t have to. I am never going to forgive myself.”
“Forgive yourself?” She couldn’t stop the bitter little laugh that boiled out past her lips. “I left you there, Justin! And I… I…”
I betrayed the Society. I could have been tortured into betraying Headquarters. Especially if I was strapped into that chair and Anton touched me. I don’t think I could have stood it if he’d gone to work on me.
Her right hand smacked against the window.
Justin reached, caught her left, gently.
The touch sent another wash of soothing energy over her skin, sinking in.
“Calm down. It isn’t as if you had any goddamn choice.
Now just get some rest. We got you out of the heaviest Sig installation in the country, and you may have killed their head of Operations right after I took out that blind bastard.
They’re in for a major bureaucratic shakeup.
Only good thing about the goddamn government is that they need paperwork to go to the bathroom. ”
You don’t understand. It soothed her to speak without words.
Regular speech didn’t have the tones, the shades of meaning, nuance blending into nuance.
She wanted to slide into his mind and stay there, secure in his certainty.
His mental house was clean, not like the diseased pit of Jilssen’s brain or the squirming, twisted parasite that was Anton.
And also, the fishhook maggot-squirm that was the blind man twisting in her head.
She was never going to feel clean again.
“Revenge. I wanted revenge.” Her voice broke again. “I still do. I thought I was better than that.”
“You are. Just rest, angel.” He sounded so goddamn sure. He slid his fingers through hers, holding her hand as he drove. “Take it easy for a little while. Breathe.”
She stared out the windshield while dawn came up. Despite the fear, her terrified grasp on consciousness began to fade. The wheels of the car made a low soothing sound against the pavement, and she began to believe that she might almost be alive. And safe. Not that it mattered.
Her breathing hitched on a last broken little sob, and she passed out gratefully, sliding into darkness.