Chapter Nineteen
Jessie awoke the next morning, blissfully warm, next to Gray. He had radiated all the warmth she needed overnight to sleep comfortably, and she didn’t feel the chill of the morning air. His arm was around her waist, pulling her against his body, and she felt the even rise and fall of his chest against hers.
He was so unguarded in sleep, not at all like when he was awake. He was always alert and ready to spring into action when needed. Right now, he looked peaceful. His rugged features were highlighted by the morning light, and her heart skipped a beat. His lips looked soft and altogether too kissable, tempting her to lean in and kiss him again.
She hadn’t intended for last night to take place, and she reminded herself that it didn’t mean anything. Gray clearly had a lot of experience with women based on the way he had expertly brought her to the height of passion again and again. So for him, their time together would mean nothing. For her part, she couldn’t ask someone to live the life she did—always on the run and being afraid of her father. Gray thought the answer to her problem was marriage, but she knew that even if she got married, her father would kill her husband and marry her off to someone else. Or kill her himself for the embarrassment she had caused him.
Her heart sank at the thought of the impossible situation she had gotten herself into, and tears threatened to spill over. She’d never have the life she wanted, with a husband and children, where she could be herself. If she ever tried to come out of hiding, she’d be putting herself and anyone with her at risk.
But she was grateful for her night with Gray. After hiding her identity for eight years, she never thought she’d be able to have a night like that. It just wasn’t in the cards for her. She’d never gotten close enough to anybody before Gray because she couldn’t risk being recognized. When she got her land and started her new life, it would be in solitude.
Even though it was just one night, she’d treasure her time with Gray for as long as she lived. It couldn’t happen again though, because until she was truly free of her father, she couldn’t be with anyone.
He stirred beside her, bringing her out of her thoughts as he pulled her closer to him. She stilled, trying not to wake him up. She wanted to savor the moment for as long as she could and pretend that they would be together when this was all over.
She gently removed his arm from around her waist and crept out of bed, searching for her clothing that had been discarded in the haste that was their lovemaking. She was able to find her shirt with ease but was having problems finding her pants when Gray woke up.
“Good morning,” she heard him say behind her. She thought she could detect a hint of happiness in his voice, and she wondered if it had to do with last night or if she was making it up. Could their lovemaking last night affect him, even after he must have experienced countless nights like the one they had just shared? She thought it would always affect her, no matter how many times she slept with someone.
Would he expect them to talk about it? She shuffled from foot to foot, not sure what there was to say. She found her pants under the bed and quickly put them on, happy to see that they had dried and she could wear more than just a chemise.
“Sun’s up. I’m going to make some coffee before we head out,” she said.
Maybe avoiding the subject altogether would be the way to go. A tingling sensation swept across the back of her neck, and she reached up to cover it.
She wished she could go back to last night and feel the same amount of courage she’d had when they kissed, but she couldn’t.
Refusing to look at him, she started the process of making their coffee like she did every morning on the trail. She took the coffee beans and canteen of water out of her saddle bag. She put the beans in the water and placed them over the fire Gray had started the night before, allowing them to steep.
Maybe he’d think of last night the same way she did. She didn’t want him to think that she expected him to marry her or take care of her, as some women did in the West.
She heard a shuffling sound as he got out from under the covers and made his way over to his own clothing that had been discarded in their lovemaking. He joined her by the fire as they waited for the coffee to boil so they could have their first cup. The silence was so loud it made Jessie squirm.
“Are you sure you can ride, Red?”
He sounded surprised, and she snuck a look at him out of the corner of her eye, still unable to meet his gaze. He looked her over to inspect her body, making her blush again. The pain from the fall hadn’t fully gone away, and her muscles were still sore. Her head wound had gotten better though, and if her head would allow her to ride, she was going to do it. Her side wasn’t bleeding, either. She’d been very lucky it hadn’t been worse.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’m feeling much better than I was yesterday. I don’t hurt nearly as bad as I did, and I can walk now.”
She turned and looked at him and was taken aback by how handsome he was. His hair was tussled from last night’s lovemaking, and she felt her face heat up again, knowing it was from running her hands through his hair so many times. His eyes were soft as he gazed at her, and she looked away, her nerves tensing.
“Okay then.” He took a cup from his saddlebag and poured his first cup of coffee, his expression turning more serious. “Are we going to talk about last night?”
Damn. Why couldn’t he just move on with things, and not make her talk about them?
She reached into her saddlebag and grabbed a cup, then poured herself a cup of coffee to give herself time to think. She chose her words carefully, not sure how to approach the subject. “I’m not sure what to say.”
It was evasive, but it was all she could come up with. Should she let him off the hook and tell him one night was all it was going to be? Or tell him they could talk about it later? She wasn’t ready to have this conversation right now, and she wanted to stay in this place of happiness for a little while longer before it all came crashing down.
He reached out and grasped her chin in his hand, gently forcing her to look into his eyes. Her stomach clenched in anticipation. More than anything, she wanted to avoid the conversation, but Gray wasn’t going to let her.
“You know this changes things,” he said as he stared into her eyes. His gaze was soft again, and she wanted to melt into his arms, but she held strong.
“It doesn’t have to,” she whispered.
His eyes searched hers for answers, and she looked away from him, not wanting him to see her real thoughts. She wanted more than anything to be with him, but she couldn’t.
“If we were to get married, it would solve your problem. After last night, I see no reason not to,” he said.
Tears filled her eyes before she could stop them, and she tried to shove his hand away to escape. He held firm, not letting her get away.
“Hey.” His voice was soothing as he enveloped her in his arms. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll do the right thing.”
He thought she was upset because she had lost her virginity, but the truth was much worse. She needed to tell him the truth about her father. It wasn’t right to hide it from him, especially if he was offering marriage because he falsely thought it would protect her.
She pushed away from his chest, wishing she could stay in his arms forever. She wiped tears away from her cheeks, trying her hardest to keep them at bay. Taking deep breaths to calm her nerves, she looked in the eye.
“That’s not it,” she said. “It’s not that easy. He will kill me when he sees me. And he’ll kill anyone who is helping me. He’s done it before, when I was younger.” Her heart beat faster at the memory of one of the ranch hands who had helped her to escape. “I had tried to run away from home a few times, and each time I failed, the punishment got worse and worse,” she admitted. Her mouth turned dry as she thought back to the horrible things her father had done.
Gray placed his coffee cup near the fireplace, then his fingers massaged her shoulders gently, working the tension out of her. His grip was reassuring and gave her the courage to continue.
“I had tried to run away once before, and he killed the man who helped me, right in front of me. It wasn’t an easy death,” she said. Tears sprang back into her eyes at the memory of her father torturing the man for helping her. “I’m wanted for questioning about the murder,” she admitted. “That’s why there’s wanted posters for me. But I can’t turn my father in, he’ll kill me. Or worse, he’ll pin it on me.”
The floodgates opened, and the tears were unstoppable now. Heavy sobs wracked her body as she admitted to the truth that she hadn’t wanted to come to terms with. Gray might not help her now, and that terrified her more than anything.
He pulled her into his arms and tightly hugged her, his strength and warmth seeping into her as she sobbed. She was startled by his quick acceptance of her vulnerability, but grateful that he was there to comfort her.
His gentleness made her fall for him even harder, and she tried to shut her heart off to him. Even if she allowed herself to fall, she could still end up alone, if her father or someone else killed him.
He held her as she cried, offering quiet soothing sounds as he rubbed her back. Finally, she was able to gain control. She withdrew from his arms, wiping the tears from her face.
Reaching out tenderly, he gripped her face in his hands and stared down into her eyes. “I’m not afraid of him,” he said.
Tears stung her eyes again, and she took deep breaths to stop them from forming again, her heart doing somersaults in her ribcage. “You’re not going to back out of helping me now that you know this?” she asked. It was one thing to agree to help someone whose father was an asshole; it was another thing to help someone when their father had killed someone for attempting to help them.
He shook his head. “I face danger every day, Red. Why would you think something like that would scare me?” He chuckled, but the laughter didn’t reach his eyes.
Warmth spread through her chest, and she smiled back at him. “Because he’s crazy. It’s been eight years, and he’s still looking for me,” she said.
“Well, we are going to put a stop to that soon. What matters now is what we do going forward.”
The silence that fell between them continued to grow, and she rushed to fill it before he could say anything further. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. We both got carried away, but that’s all it was. I don’t expect anything to come of it. We were both just caught up in the moment.”
A flicker of hurt spread over his face before he controlled his expression and showed nothing. She almost thought she might have imagined it if she hadn’t been looking right at him when she spoke.
“Right,” he said. His voice was filled with questions, like he didn’t know what to make of the conversation. “So you don’t want anything after last night?”
She gave him a soft smile, trying to defuse the situation by pretending not to care about the previous night. Even though he was still willing to help her with her problem, she couldn’t risk putting him through a life in hiding if it failed.
“We can talk about it later, or we can just move on if you want.” She shrugged to emphasize her indifference. “But I do think we need to go after Casey as soon as possible, and the longer we take here, the smaller our chances are of finding him. He knows we are after him now; he saw me before he took off. That means he’s going to change what he was planning on doing.”
Gray paused and rubbed his chin absentmindedly.
“Why would he run away from you?” he asked.
Tension left her body and she relaxed, realizing that he was going to let her avoid having any more conversation about their relationship for now.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve thought about the same thing. Maybe someone told him he was being chased. I’d be terrified and run for it if someone approached me in the middle of the woods during a thunderstorm.”
He chuckled at her admission, but she felt like it was a real possibility. If someone bolted after her like she’d done, she wouldn’t have a conversation with them either. It might mean he was onto them, but it also might just mean he wasn’t stupid enough to let a stranger close to him.
“He also probably saw us on the ridge and figured we were looking for him,” Gray said. “Maybe he recognized us.”
She nodded. “I know he saw me before he bolted off into the woods. Hopefully, it confused him and he didn’t recognize me.”
Gray grabbed his saddlebag and walked toward the door. “Let’s go then.”
Jessie sighed in relief. At least she’d bought more time to think her new situation with Gray.