Chapter Twenty-Three
When Jessie woke up, she guessed that maybe an hour had gone by. Gray was still awake, his hair wet from taking a bath. It looked like after being on the trail for so long, he had also wanted a bath as much as she had. She wished that they had taken the bath together, but quickly pushed the idea into the back of her mind. He was sitting by the window, gazing outside.
She was doing a horrible job of staying away from him. She frowned, thinking back to how she’d just been telling herself that she wasn’t going to sleep with him anymore and then not ten minutes later, he’d walked in the door and kissed her and that was all it took.
“Well, that’s not a face I’m used to seeing after sex.”
Her frown deepened, and her gaze snapped to Gray’s face. His mischievous grin was back, and his eyes sparkled in amusement. Jessie’s shoulders stiffened, all the anger from their fight coming back to her in full force.
“I’m surprised,” she quipped. “I don’t think women like to be mauled to death.”
Although she had liked the way he kissed. She felt that space between her thighs tingle in anticipation at the memory of him inside her. But she’d never let him know that. Especially if he was going to have such an inflated ego about it.
Unfazed by her barbs, his wicked grin widened. “You seemed to like it, Red.”
She felt the heat rising back to her face and cursed at herself. Why did she have to wear every emotion on her face and blush at everything this man said to her? It gave him way too much power to know what she was feeling.
Sticking her nose in the air, she climbed out of bed without another word on the subject, wrapping the sheet around her body in protection.
“Hey now, Red,” he barbed again, “it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.”
He pointed at the sheet. He might have seen her before, but she wasn’t going to let him have another view.
“Well, that’s over,” she informed him as she walked behind the privacy screen to get dressed.
“We’ll see.”
The amusement in his voice caused her to grind her teeth. She really was going to lose all her teeth before she was done with him. She fumed as she put her clothes on. He thought just because she had slept with him twice now, it meant he could sleep with her whenever he wanted. As if!
“We need to leave,” Gray said. “We can’t stay in town after that gunfight. Every bounty hunter nearby is probably already on the way, and the townspeople are not happy with us.”
Finally dressed, Jessie stepped out from behind the privacy screen and faced Gray. Fully clothed now, she felt like she was on equal footing with him. It was unfair to have a verbal sparring match while she had been naked, and the man was fully dressed.
She nodded and shoved the clothing she had worn earlier into her saddlebag without bothering to fold it. She hadn’t unpacked much since they were only supposed to be at the inn for a short time. She’d only pulled out her old clothing that she wished she could wash fully, and her hairbrush. That was pretty much all there was to pack up.
By the time she was finished, Gray was ready as well.
“Okay, let’s go.” She turned toward the door, but Gray’s hand shot out, grasping her elbow to prevent her from leaving.
“Wait.”
He turned her to face him and put his hands on her shoulders. A myriad emotions crossed his face, as if he was trying to think of what to say. His grip was gentle yet firm. He pulled out a small box from his pocket, and Jessie looked at him in confusion. What was he doing now?
He opened it and she felt heat rush to her face. Inside the box was a modest, simple golden ring. Roses had been engraved on the wedding band.
Her mouth dropped open, and she looked up at him. He wasn’t doing what she thought he was, was he?
“I want to do the right thing,” he said. “I took your innocence, and the right thing to do would be for us to get married.”
Her mind went numb at his words, unable to comprehend what he was doing. She stared at him in silence, mouth still open in shock.
Clenching her fists at her side, she glared at him and tried to keep calm as she discussed this with him.
“The rightthing?” She could hear the anger and accusation in her own voice.
It didn’t deter Gray, though.
“Yes. I have to do the right thing, and we need to get married as soon as possible. I found a priest earlier while you were taking a bath, and he’s agreed to marry us. That was before the gunfight, but I know he will still help us out. We can get married and then leave town.”
It sounded like he had it all figured out. Except he hadn’t even bothered to consult her about it.
“The right thing would have been not to sleep with me in the first place,” she said, anger boiling beneath the surface. “The right thing would have been to let me go when I asked you to the first time, and then we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Her voice got louder with each sentence. “The right thing isn’t to marry someone because you slept with them.”
His jaw tightened, and his eyes hardened.
“You’re probably right,” he said, “but the fact is, this is where we are. And I was raised to believe that if you dishonor a woman, you have to pay the price.”
She gaped at him in surprise. “Pay the price.” She shook her head and took a step back to put distance between them. “No. I’m not going to get married to someone just because it’s the right thing to do, or because you feel you need to be punished for something. I’m not going to be someone’s wife out of pity.”
She spat the last word out and tried to move around him to go to the door, but he stopped her.
“Think about it. It will solve your problem with your father. If we are married, he won’t be able to marry you off. This is the easiest solution.”
“How long do you think that plan would work?” She stood in front of him, hands on hips. “Until you get caught and go to jail for helping Luke? Until my father kills you and then sells me off to Zachary anyway?”
He flinched at her words but held steady. “I may be wanted for helping out my brother, but we are going to clear his name and then mine. As for your father, he won’t be able to get anywhere near me. I’ve survived this long, and someone like your father can’t do anything to me. I’m not worried.”
There was his arrogance again. He didn’t know her father, but he already assumed that he would be able to deal with him. He didn’t know the cruelty the man could unleash on someone. Her father was crazy. If anybody stood in his way, he never hesitated to cut them down. When he dealt with someone, it wasn’t quick, either. The thought caused tears to burn her eyes, and a knot formed in her chest that made it difficult to breathe.
“So we stay married until you get shot and killed? I’m not getting married to a gunslinger.”
His gaze softened as he stared down into her eyes. “I can protect you. Just trust me.”
She hesitated, a million thoughts swarming through her head. She did trust him. She trusted him with her life. But she couldn’t risk his death.
“No,” she said harshly.
He snapped the ring box shut and stood silent. The tension between them rose as she waited for him to respond.
He spoke sharply, abandoning any pretense. “You’re a ruined woman now.” The heat rushed back to her face, as she remembered what they had done together. “A ruined woman can’t ever hope to find a husband. It’s this, or you’re destined to be alone forever. No man will want to be with a woman that another man has lain with.”
Pain shot through her at his words even though he hadn’t said anything she hadn’t already thought herself. It was true, and she knew it. Giving herself to him meant that she really would be alone forever.
Maybe his words hurt deeper because he was throwing it back in her face that she’d slept with him. The hardest part was that she did like him, but she wasn’t going to be someone’s duty, or ask them to remain in hiding with her until she got news her father died.
“I’d rather be alone.”
Hurt and anger flashed in his eyes before he masked them behind his usual detached exterior. He put the ring box back in his jacket pocket.
“Fine. But I did ask, so don’t get mad at me and act like I didn’t try to do the right thing.”
With that, he left the room, and her heart shattered into a million pieces.
They rode off in search of Casey. They’d gone back to their typical way of traveling, where they rode hard and didn’t talk much. But this time instead of a comfortable silence, it was now an awkward one, filled with tension.
This time they’d decided to ride to Billings, hopeful that Casey had gone there. If he hadn’t, they’d have to regroup. He knew they were on his trail now. They were hoping for dumb luck and that they’d happen upon him soon.
Jessie couldn’t get their conversation out of her head and kept replaying it in her mind. Each time she did, she got angrier. He hadn’t meant it at all when he’d proposed to her; he was doing it out of a sense of duty. But she had a sinking feeling that those weren’t the only reasons he’d proposed to her. He was also doing it because he knew she’d say no.
It was safe for him, and he could rid himself of any guilt. He knew she wasn’t going to marry someone she didn’t love, and he knew she felt passionately about that, so asking her to marry him was a way to absolve himself of guilt without having to get married.
She’d let down her guard and allowed him to get close to her. Emotionally and physically. She hadn’t meant to develop feelings for him, and now that she had officially told him they weren’t going to be together, her heart hurt knowing that everything was over.
Allowing him to make love to her again had been foolish. She’d let him take the one thing from her that she knew men cared about most. He was right that nobody would be with her after she’d been with another man. Even though things in the West were more progressive than they were in cities like Chicago, she knew men still held the same basic beliefs that they wanted their women to be untouched and unsoiled.
Double standards infuriated her, but they didn’t change the fact that they were true. So she was going to have to live her life out, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to find the love and family she’d always wanted without deception. She didn’t want to lie and pretend she was a virgin when she wasn’t. Not growing up with a loving family had made her crave it more, but after making a few stupid decisions, that wasn’t an option anymore.
The tension between them was so thick it was suffocating, yet neither of them was willing to break the silence. A part of her wanted to reach out and start a conversation, but the other part of her was still angry and hurt.
They stopped to water the horses and take a short break from riding, and dismounted in silence. But they needed to plan their next move. It seemed to be the only thing they could talk about without arguing.
“There’s a few different places he could be,” Gray said. “There are a couple of different ways we can go from here, so we have a choice to make. I think he has enough bounty hunters after us that he’s going into hiding.”
She nodded. “I agree. If we miss him now, he’s gone for who knows how long.”
The two of them exchanged a knowing look that spoke volumes without saying anything at all. He wanted nothing more to do with her. The thought of having to spend any more time together was honestly too much for her, and if they didn’t catch Casey now, who knew how long it would take before they found him.
She’d promised that she would stick it out until the end, but she didn’t know if she could.
“We should split up.” The words came out before she had a chance to think it through.
Gray stared at her for a beat, surprise covering his face, but he didn’t say anything. She squirmed in anticipation of what he might say next.
Maybe being brutally honest was the best thing she could do, and would make him be honest with her as well. Unable to take the silence any longer, she blurted, “Too much has happened while we’ve been together. I’m not going back on my promise. I’ll turn Casey in and clear Luke’s name. But we don’t have to be together to do that.”
His eyes flashed with dark anger that made her squirm again, but his emotion was replaced by his cold exterior so fast she almost thought she’d imagined it. He wasn’t letting her know how he felt, and he was keeping her at arm’s length.
Good.
She didn’t want to be any closer to him. If she was, it would be that much harder when they needed to go their separate ways. Things had gone too far between them.
“We don’t need to split up to find Casey.”
Even though his face was aloof and detached, he was unable to keep the anger out of his voice. She was surprised that he hadn’t agreed with her.
“I think we do. I think it’s best if we aren’t around each other anymore.” She talked slowly, trying to think of the right things to say and the right way to say them. “We are at a crossroads with Casey. There’s too much ground to cover and if we stay together, the chances of finding him are lower. If we split up, we can cover more ground and double our chances of finding him.”
He shook his head, apparently not budging on his opinion they should stay together.
“You know I’m right,” she pushed. “If there are two paths for us to take, then we should split up and each take one. If we go together and are wrong about where he goes, it’s over.”
The question wasn’t if he saw the logic in her plan; it was solid. The question was if he trusted her enough to let her go on her own to find Casey and keep her word.
Her heart ached at the thought of having to leave him, but that meant she had even more reason to leave now, or it would be impossible in the future.
“Fine.”
She almost thought she heard him wrong at first.
Did she mean so little to him that he wasn’t going to try to keep them together? She tried not to let the hurt show on her face, but his agreement reaffirmed her belief that he had just been using her from the beginning.
He’d probably wanted to take her innocence and make it so she couldn”t find the happiness she wanted in life. She didn’t want to think he was that cruel, but the truth was she didn’t know him like she thought she did. They’d only been around each other for a short time, and although they’d been through a lot, it didn’t mean she knew him.
“Fine,” she repeated back to him.
“If you go to Helena, I’ll go to Billings. Are you going to be okay on your own?”
She snorted. “I’ve been just fine without you for years.”
He put his hands up in defense but didn’t say anything else. He clearly didn’t trust her at all.
They turned away from each other and mounted their horses. Her heart hurt, knowing that this was likely the last time they’d see each other. She didn’t want their goodbye to be a fight, but it was for the best.
Once one of them turned in Casey, there would be no more meeting with one another. They’d both go their separate ways and lead their separate lives.
This was it.
He nodded at her, tipped his hat, and galloped away toward Billings. She watched him go for a few seconds, hoping he’d turn around and look at her, but he didn’t. Not wanting him to catch her looking at him, she turned her horse around and started riding off to Helena, trying her best to hold back tears.
She wanted to try to get there as soon as possible and find Casey.
One more night, and hopefully this would all be done. She could move on and forget all about Gray Hammond.