Chapter 26
Rob
Nerves set in as I eyed the massive walk-in shower in the bathroom off my bedroom.
Even when I lived on the streets, I’d managed to not have sex with anyone. That meant often starving, but I hadn’t cared. I’d sort of assumed I was going to die anyway, so that hadn’t mattered. But not giving up my virginity to some rando felt…important. And so when Gerard pulled me out of the hellhole of homelessness and offered me…everything…I was able to offer him something that I considered sacred in return.
I’d never truly gotten a sense of how Gerard felt about that. Sometimes he’d been hard to read. Other times—mainly when he was angry—he’d been an open book.
“Hey.” Danny made plenty of noise as he approached me.
I turned to face him.
“James doesn’t know everything. He was, in his own awkward way, trying to say he approves of us. Not that we need his approval,” he was quick to add.
“But it’s nice to have it.” I slotted in the words and he smiled the luminescent grin I had fallen in love with. I bit my lower lip. “I’ve never been with anyone except my ex?—”
Danny winced.
“Yeah, I know. Pretty pathetic?—”
“Hey.” He said the word quite forcefully. “That’s not at all what I meant. Just…I don’t want to think about your ex. But if he’s on your mind, then that’s okay. But if you’re comparing your experience to mine, then just don’t. I was out early and, with Mama and Daddy’s permission, dating. I had to bring the person home—which could be awkward when I was dating someone in the closet. But I had fun. And was young when I lost my virginity. Maybe too young. I have no regrets. I’ve been careful. Never had sex without a condom. Tested regularly. Last month, in fact. I’m negative, and I haven’t been with anyone since the day we met in December.”
I blinked. “That was four months ago.”
He grinned. “Yeah, but I was…what did Mama call it…? Oh, smitten. She knew I’d found my person, and she teased me. So did Gracie.”
“And James?”
He shivered. “Not so much. We really need to get out of these wet clothes. I know colds are caused by viruses and not from being cold, but I still think getting out of these would be better.”
“Agreed.” I tried to unbutton my jeans. “I was tested at the hospital.”
“Hmm?” Danny looked up from where he was unbuttoning as well.
“They tested me for, like, all the stuff. I think the doctor was being careful. I guess abusive spouses are often cheating spouses. Anyway, I went to a local clinic near here as well. They were…very kind. Otherwise, I would’ve had to go down to San Diego.”
“Okay.” Danny yanked his T-shirt over his head.
The expanse of glorious mahogany muscle lay before me—with just the right amount of chest hair. Gerard had manscaped to within an inch of his life. I really preferred the natural look.
Danny met my gaze. “You said you went for testing?”
“Yeah. All clear again. Which was not surprising because Gerard was meticulous. If he fucked around behind my back…” I swallowed. “When he fucked around behind my back…”
Sharp dark-brown eyes lasered in on me.
I persisted. “I would be almost positive he used a condom. He was very health conscious. A negative status wouldn’t be enough for him, I’m sure. I was the exception, as his husband, but I was also pretty much forbidden to interact with any other men. Or women, for that matter.”
“Jesus.” Danny muttered the word under his breath.
Whether I was meant to hear it or not, was another question. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I made the choice to stay over and over, even after I saw how things were going to be.”
“Right.” His jaw tightened. “You had the choice between going back to the streets or staying in a luxurious mansion.”
“We all have choices.” I blinked. “He actually wanted children, and that was my dream too. We’d planned to have our own by surrogacy, but then Hallie arrived, and he said yes. I thought we were working toward the family I always wanted, until I finally realized how little these kids meant to him. I will never regret my children.”
Danny moved swiftly to my side. “Of course not. I get it.” He grasped my upper arms. “I just have trouble dealing with what you went through. But that’s on me. You need to be able to discuss whatever you need to. The abuse, the trauma, the manipulations—all of it.”
“I’m afraid you’ll judge me?—”
“Damn right I will.”
I took a step back.
He gripped me tighter. “I’ll judge that you’re the strongest person I know. That you survived all that and you’ve made a life for yourself. I’ll judge that you had terrible decisions to make, and the ones you made brought you here. To Gaynor Beach.” He offered a shy smile. “And to me.” He shivered. “And if we’re not out of here sooner rather than later, James will call the Coast Guard to come find us.”
I laughed. “Yeah, okay.” Then, to my surprise, Danny yanked my T-shirt over my head. I’d removed my coat in the front hall and it hung to dry. “We’ll need to put everything in the dryer.”
“Sure.” Gently, he snagged my cell phone from my back pocket and put it by the sink. “For safekeeping.”
“And you’ll never leave home without yours again, right?”
He chuckled. “Yes, I promise.”
“Good.” I didn’t stop him when he unzipped my jeans and slowly tugged them down. They clung to me, of course, and by the time they were off, we were both laughing.
He straightened. “Are you okay with this? We’ve only ever kissed.”
“I wanted more.” Heat rose up my chest to my cheeks, and I imagined I was blushing. “I didn’t know how to ask.”
“Which is why we never went further. You have to tell me what you want, Rob. What you need. I’ll give it to you—all of it. But only if I know it’s really what you want.”
Craving clawed at my belly. “I need you, Danny. Want you. Desire you. I just…I wasn’t good at that stuff.”
“Says who?”
I was quite certain my cheeks turned scarlet.
Danny stepped up to me. “Here’s the thing…I want to say I don’t ever want to talk about your ex again. But he looms like a specter because you’re still working through everything he did to you. I can rail against him—and I will—but he also facilitated your adoption of your beautiful children. You had six years together. Six pivotal years in your life.”
I frowned.
He managed a laugh. “Okay, every year is pivotal when you’re our age. But I want to believe, when we’re in our thirties, that we’ll have a few boring years. Or, hell, in our eighties would be okay too.”
My breath caught. “That long?”
“Uh…” He blew out a breath. “I didn’t want to say this?—”
“Then don’t.” I couldn’t imagine he was about to say something bad, especially after the eighties comment…but I couldn’t be certain.
His eyes widened.
I gulped. “Sorry. I’m so sorry. I just…I panicked. Am still panicking. Because if it’s bad news?—”
“Rob.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re standing here half naked, and I just said I want to be with you into our eighties.”
“Yeah.”
He grasped my hand. “What I was going to say…again…is that I love you. And yeah, I get that it’s too soon. We haven’t even…” He gestured between our crotches. “But I don’t care about that. If we only ever kissed for the rest of our lives, I wouldn’t be disappointed. I’d be grateful. And happy. You knowing that is important to me.”
“You love me?” The rest of what he said, although clearly important, blurred. He loved me. Loved me. He’d said it outside. In the storm. But that had felt like an in the moment kind of thing. Something I’d never hold him to. Because, aside from my children, I couldn’t remember anyone ever having loved me. Certainly not for who I was rather than who they thought I should be. The obedient son. The docile husband.
The doormat.
I had been none of those things the past few months. I’d tried to step out of other people’s expectations and just be a good person. A good father. A good friend. I didn’t always feel like I succeeded, but I certainly tried.
Danny repeated, “Yes, I love you. Like more than just friends…although I’d pretty much call you my best friend. When something good or bad happens, I pick up my phone to text you. Or make sure it’s the first thing I tell you when we’re together again. I hated leaving every night, but I also knew you needed space. Hell, you still might?—”
Moving swiftly, I used where we held hands to propel myself into his space. “I don’t. Need space. Or time. I got my resolution, Danny, when I went to court. As far as I’m concerned, my marriage is over. Now it’s just a matter of waiting the appropriate time, and then—” Crap. He hadn’t talked marriage or?—
He grinned. “We can, you know, make it official?”
“We don’t have to rush.”
“If we’re married, though, then it’s easier for me to adopt the kids, right?”
My heart seized. One night, during an epic kissing session, I’d shared my greatest fear—that if something happened to me, there’d be no one to take care of the kids, or worse, that they’d go to Gerard or his family. Danny had said he would and wanted to run to the lawyer the next day. We hadn’t done it together, but I’d gone to Wynn the lawyer and had him draw the papers up. I had them in my sock drawer—waiting for me to find the courage to ask Danny if he’d been serious. That he was willing to take care of my kids if something happened. I could tell myself a million times that nothing would, but my mind wouldn’t settle. Gerard being in jail helped…but only so much. “Uh, yeah.” I blinked. “I have papers for you to sign that would make you guardian if—" My voice caught.
He pulled me into a hug. “I’ll sign them as soon as we’re out of the shower. If we need a witness, James will do it. If that’s not good enough, and we need a notary, we’ll work it out. Okay?”
I nodded as I clung to him. We’d come in here for some fun and instead we were making lifelong commitments to each other that, thank God, included my children. I was totally overwhelmed.
“Rob?”
“Mmm?”
“We need to strip and get into the shower. I’m happy to use the guest bathroom?—”
“No, here’s fine.” I pulled back. “Together.”